I'm old

12.20.09
I've really come to see the rocks as my getaway place, as I did years ago, though I appreciate it differently - with more wisdom and reverence than I did when I was young. 

My view from the rocks

I feel rather old, though I know 27 is still considered young to most. I look back at my life and see just how much I have weathered and, using my past as a scale, just how much I will likely endure before the sands of time run out on my existence. I see why many old people are at peace with death. It's not that they want to die, nor do I by any means, but that they know that rest is warranted.


I feel old. My joints crack and pop. My experiences have been great enough to alter my perspective on life. I can truly appreciate a good friend or a kind gesture. In youth they are easy to come by, but as you grow older they grow fewer and further between as we each become involved in marriages, careers, children, and the daily life routine that many avoid deferring from because it, "throws everything off". I know for myself, that I am old, because I have learned important lessons.


I have learned to appreciate what you have now, because you can never be sure what will be tomorrow. Love deeply. Although it may bring you sorrow, you will never regret it. Take every opportunity to be young.


I recently had an opportunity where I felt young. I climbed the rocks to watch the sunset, and I had brought along my camera and tripod along. I had made it through a milestone of personal sorts, and am attempting to photograph myself on those days, so that when I have a particularly bad day I can look back and see how much I have already gotten through. 

I had set the timer and climbed on a rock, and the picture took. I am still not very good at working my new camera, and the self-timer always seems to take ten pictures. I jumped off the rock to view my picture, and the camera snapped nine more pictures, capturing my flight off the rock. I thought the picture looked cool. I decided to try it again. It felt good, free, to be climbing around like that, just playing.


It seems the older I get, the younger certain things make me feel. It's a good balance, I guess.

oh yea, it's Christmas

12.19.09
My brother and sister are coming to stay with me over Christmas. This is welcome, as this is going to be the single hardest time of the "first year" everybody talks about. My brother was supposed to be here today, but due to a major snow storm, he won't be in until Monday.


It's been really hard to get into Christmas this year. I didn't shop until the last minute, I'm not even finished. I had to force myself to decorate. I didn't want to because I knew it would hurt - it's something we used to do together every year. I finally did get decorations up, but I did it with tear filled eyes. I feel the full weight of being alone, despite great friends and family coming to stay. 

My finally decorated house

about my confidence, or lack thereof

12.14.09
I was having a phone conversation with Jacob the other day. He and I were discussing how a mutual friend might fare if her marriage were to end. I pointed out that I fared reasonably well, and I thought she would too. Then he says to me, "well, you have a lot more self-confidence than she does." Although I have no recollection of what I said after this comment, in my head I was thinking, "um...uh...well...um...who me? What? I have NO self-confidence..."

Later that evening however, I began to think. Many questions ran through my mind. DO I have any self-confidence? Do I lack any, but do a good job at acting like I do? Is that the same thing and I just don't know it? What makes him think I do in the first place, am I missing something?
I try to avoid self-pitying thoughts, but this one I can't shake. To be honest, I am pretty sure all my self-confidence was lost in the divorce. A casualty to be sure, it was shot and shattered and proceeded to be trodden on in the process. I was left with only a faint desire to find the pieces - it's a good thing I enjoy puzzles.

Analyzing myself further, I have days where I don’t really feel all that good about myself. I am 27 with no career, children, college degree, and I have no idea where my life is going. I am often shy and awkward in social situations. Having spent so many years being told what was wrong with me, I am still trying to sort out fact from fiction.

It's not a hopeless case, as I am able to be proud of myself for things - such as earning my AA this summer. I am learning to just set aside those things that I am not comfortable with and focus on one thing at a time. It would be impossible to try and fix everything at once, so one step at a time, let the rest slide. But that still doesn't amount to confidence.

I'd actually like to know what makes Jacob think I have confidence, except that he has known me for so many years, back when I actually did have some, maybe it is just not noticeable that I lost it. Yes, that's probably it. So, what was it that I used to be confident over? There is something to chew on.

I'm free!

12.06.09
This trip was so much more beneficial to me than I ever could have imagined. Although I so badly wanted to go, it was more of desperation, a need to break free from the survival routine I have learned to live. By the end of the first day I felt this aching, a longing to feel the freedom to just enjoy myself, to feel the love of life I once had. A crack opened in my barrier.


As it turns out, it was the stupidest thing that finally freed me. But it was great. We stopped at this redwood forest to take pictures of ourselves in front of these HUGE trees. We began to hike in a bit, which actually started this feeling because I love hiking, and trees. There was this small bridge, and I took my friends picture, and then handed my camera to her so she could take mine. She starts to take it, and then stops, with this disgusted look on her face. I turn to see jacob leaning over the railing, with a huge line of spit hanging from his mouth, just waiting to ruin the photo. I began to laugh, and then laughed harder as he tried again. The thing was, was that it was an actual laugh - the kind that comes from deep inside, not one of those empty laughs that you spit out because you just know something to be funny. It reminded me of the dumb things my brother would do that would make me laugh and laugh. Who knew that such a small thing would cause such a big reaction in me?


Things only went up from there as the trip got better and better. We hiked to this overlook where a waterfall meets the ocean. It was the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to stay all day. The happiness I felt the day before in the redwood forest rose in me, and I began to smile. I just rode along in the car, smiling to myself. When you finally feel this happy after such a long period of clouds, it doesn't fade easily. 

I had been told that if you watched the shoreline as we drove, you could often see elephant seals sleeping on the beach. I was pretty excited over that, and I really wanted to see one. Jacob saw a few but I missed them to my dismay. Finally, I spotted a few of them. I'm sure I woke my sleeping friend in the backseat when I exclaimed that I'd seen one. I couldn't believe how excited I felt. I think Jacob was about to make fun of me, but when I turned to him and said a bit more softly but with my excitement still bubbling out, "I did!" he just smiled back at me which made me feel good because when I'm that happy I just like to share it with somebody. 

I'm free now. Free from a husband who doesn't love or even like me. I'm free from an oppressive marriage, free from vain attempts at saving the unsavable. Free from restricting parents, and self-inflicted restraints. And now, it looks like I'm free from the perpetual sadness. Of course I will have bad days, but now I will have good ones, too.

a much needed vacation

12.03.09
I'm taking a trip. Two friends and I are going to drive up the coast of California over the next few days. It's a trip I've always wanted to do, I'm glad to be going. I feel pretty good these days, I'm surrounded by good friends, and I have a good job. I can spend time alone and be okay.

Something is off though. I should be excited. This concerns me. I'm not. I haven't even packed, and my friends are due to arrive to spend the night any minute. I worry that I have lost a lot of my passion for life in the process of this divorce. I've done a great job at being me, not trying to please anybody. There are some parts of me though, that I just can't seem to find. I am quite worried that it is irreparable, as my passion for life is one of my most treasured attributes. It seems the only strong feeling I can have is sadness, but I don't even do that very well.

Looking back, this detached melancholy was probably my defense - my only means of survival - in the beginning. I think it is unhealthy for it to stick around so long though, and I have no idea how to break free.

So I'm going to try. Make a conscious effort to be happy, really happy. More prayers tonight, that it will work.

I went to dinner and it was...

11.29.09
Okay. Great actually! I did get hurt. Not, however, in the way I expected. But first, the good part. I am over him. This seals it. I felt nothing toward him. We had dinner, we talked. I told him about my job, he told me how he is "finding himself." I'm truly happy for him for that. Not a bitter happy, truly happy for him. But I still didn't want him.

Here is the hard part. He tells me of this girl he really, really wanted to ask out. he finally musters up the courage, and she shoots him down. Ouch. I actually cringed for him at this point. However, another girl was willing to help him feel better, by dating him. Turns out, she was also seeing a couple of other men. When he put his foot down, and said he wanted to be the only, she kicked him to the curb.

He told me that he now understood a little part of how I must have felt when he left me. He was crushed, his spirit was crushed. He said he knows what I felt must have been much, much worse and he is so sorry for what he did, although he knows he can never take it or me back.

The apology part was okay, it actually made me feel a bit better, because an apology from him is rare, and difficult for him. He hard part was this: I spent 6 1/2 years trying to get him to love me, even to like me. This girl waltzes in and he is mad about her? What does she have that I don't? What did I fail to possess that drew him in so completely? I guess it's just a blow to the ego more than anything. It hurt.

He then asked if I was dating anybody. Ouch. I told the truth, that I had not. He seemed confused, and asked why. I decided to just tell him the truth. Maybe he won't call me anymore if I do. So, I related my feelings about how when our marriage ended, most of my confidence left with him. I had spent so many years trying to please him, make him happy, make him like me, that the only thing that mattered to me was him. I loved him with the barest, deepest part of my soul that I could not see what I was doing to myself. Every time I would find more inside me and once again give him my all, my confidence and happiness rose and fell with my successes and failures.

By the time our marriage came to an end, I was exhausted. Divorce was the ultimate fail in my quest to regain his love. I was left with scattered fragments of myself, broken and battered. My entire confidence was strewn among the pieces and I am still gathering them, and trying to figure out how they fit inside the real me.

Dinner ended on a good note, and we said goodbye and went home. I had extremely mixed feelings. The waterworks turned on halfway home. I was afraid they would come. They were part relief, part sorrow. I was so glad, and proud of myself to find that I truly didn't want him anymore. However, that he so easily gave his love, when I fought and never won stung. 

I was emotionally torn. I wanted to get out so badly. I wanted to drive far, and find a calming place to be. I wanted to go to the beach. The one time I did that I received a lot of grief from friends, because I went alone. I wasn't up for a lot of grief this time, so I sent out a text to everybody, saying I was going to the beach, anybody want to come? I received a lot of no's, and several ignored me. I got a few angry phone calls about not going alone. My plan backfired.

I figured everybody would ignore me, and I could go and they couldn't say anything. Fail. I knew it would be destructive to stay home but...I just couldn't handle angry friends. Not this time. 

So, I took a shower. It's the best place for crying. After a good 45 minutes and ten wrinkly fingers later, I dragged myself out of the shower. The tears wouldn't stop. I curled up on my lovesac and bawled it out. Thankfully, my phone rang. I had to pull myself together to answer it. It was Jacob, trying to figure out who had sent him a text randomly wanting to go to the beach. After a short conversation I hung up and took a few deep breaths. The crying was over. I was thankful that something forced me to calm down.

One more major hurdle cleared. I feel good.

he asked me to dinner...and I said yes

11.28.09
So...he called me tonight. He asked if I would go to dinner with him just then. I automatically said no. I did not want that. The more I thought about it however, the more I thought that it would be good for me if I did go. My friend said "no". My heart said "I can't." My mind said, "Sigh. Do what you gotta do..." So I called him back. I told him that he had weirded me out just then by calling like that, and that I was free tomorrow evening if he wanted to see me. We made plans.

I need to do this. I know it is a possible destructive action. I know I could break down crying in the middle of dinner. I know I could fall into a depression afterward. I know this could be a major setback. But what if it isn't. What if I can get through dinner, and feel no longing, no affection, and no want? I feel like I have completely moved on. But have I really? How am I supposed to know? I think dinner could tell me.

I'm driving my own car. This way, if things get bad, I can leave. I'm paying for my own dinner. I don't want to owe him anything. I'm scared. Terrified, actually. Wish me luck. I will be praying hard tonight.

Thanksgiving, a new niece, and friends

11.28.09
This has been quite a nice week. I spent thanksgiving with family, just hanging out at my friend’s dad’s house. Seeing as how it was the first holiday single, I was a bit concerned as to how I would handle it, but turns out I was fine. I am used to spending thanksgiving alone anyhow, as he worked often during that holiday. The only difference was that I did not go see his family. I was not feeling too good for part of the day, and I think everybody was worried that I was sad, but I wasn't, not in the least. I hope this lasts.

My sister had a baby, a girl named Rosemary. She was born on the 25th, hours after my sister’s husband left to go back to Afghanistan. Although we were all happy she was born, it is sad he couldn't be there to see it. I am hoping my sister will come out for Christmas, so I can meet my niece.

I have been working a lot lately; late, late hours five to six days a week. It finally slowed down, and I have been left with a lot of late nights up by myself. It's been okay because I have plenty to do, but nights seem long when you are the only one up. I have a friend , Jacob, who is in from out of town who is also a night owl, so I have had company a few nights and that has been welcome.
Emotionally, I am doing extremely well. I don't think about him all the time. I can bring him up in conversation if the topic relates to something that had to do with him, and it's nothing to me. The same way I would say, "oh yea, by brother..." it's comfortable now that he is a part of my past, and no longer a part of my future.

I'm jumping into this new life with both feet.

soooo unsure

11.08.09
It's been a rough day. I learned some things about him that...really hurt. They leave me wondering where I fit, if anybody can ever love me the way I loved him. Not in the sense that they would fight in vain, or hurt themselves because that is pathetic and wrong. But in the way that they would look forward to coming home to me at the end of the day. That they would celebrate with me and cry with me. That they would share their triumphs and pitfalls with me. That they would allow me to love them in my deep, unwavering way, and not resent me for the hugs and smiles and kisses I give.

I know these fears are directly intertwines with my shattered confidence. I worry that nobody can see me for who I am, and love me for it. Is there anybody who will be patient enough to take the time to get to know me enough to love me? Although I am doing all I can to make necessary repairs, there are some things that can only be learned from within the depths of a good relationship.

me

11.06.09
Here's another list I have come up with.

Things I like: Feeling the wind on my face even if it is freezing outside. Laughing with children. Flowers. Pink stuff. The way a brand new set of pajamas feels. Laying outside at night watching as the stars move across the sky and realizing I have been there for hours and didn't even notice the time. Talking on the phone to friends.

These are things I have discovered in the past week. Who knows what I will find if I keep looking. I feel so free, not having to walk on eggshells all the time, afraid of making him mad or getting criticized for what I am doing, saying, thinking, feeling. This weight on my chest is gone and I feel so light. I thought at first it was the fifteen pounds I lost but no, it's not having that looming dread clouding up my life.

I remember one day in particular. We were in the middle of a kitchen remodel, and the house was in quite a state of disarray. The bakes on my car needed looking at, and he had stated the night before, with no prodding from me, that he would do them first thing in the morning, since I had to go somewhere that afternoon. I sleepily came downstairs mid morning, and he was working on the kitchen floor. I asked if the brakes were done already, or if I should take the other car, since I had to leave earlier than expected. he replied that he did not know he was supposed to do the brakes that day. I replied that he had said the night before that they would be done, but that it was fine I would take the other car. I sat down on the stairs to wait and see if he would need help with the floor. It wasn't two minutes later where he stands up, lets out multiple expletives, yells, "FINE, I'LL DO THEM NOW!" and storms into the garage.

I was a bit stunned and confused so I followed him to the garage to let him know that it was fine, there was no reason I couldn't take the other car. I opened the door and received another barrage of expletives aimed at me, and was told to get out of his sight. This was so unlike him, I was lost as to how to feel, what to think, how to act. I could see where he would feel overwhelmed by so many things to do, but that reaction was over the top. I retreated to my room, where I stayed the rest of the day. I didn't even go out, I was afraid of what I might meet downstairs.

It was strange days like that that I can look back and see the mounting dislike he had for me seeping out through the cracks, or overflowing like it did that day. He never talked to me about himself, so I never knew how he was feeling, throughout the 6 years of our marriage. Because of this, I reacted wrongly to many situations just because I couldn't read him at all. I feel cheated, he got to know everything about me, and I got to know little about the real him. I will never allow myself to be in that situation ever again.

oh my goodness...

11.04.09
...I don't think about him every day anymore. I went all day yesterday without thinking about him! And I hadn't today either until he called me. Even then, I didn't care. It didn't ruin my day. I was fine afterward. I'M MOVING ON. I wasn't sure it would happen, but it is happening.

Dear new life,
Watch out because here I come.
Love, Colleen.

I am...

10.26.09
This last week has brought about a plethora of discoveries. I have discovered many things I like about myself, and some things that I don't. But it's all just me, if I were to be happy with everything about myself; I would never grow or become a better person. A person completely content with themselves is disillusioned.

Things I like about myself:

I am a very passionate person. If I love somebody, I love them with every fiber of my being. I will do anything and everything for them, endlessly and tirelessly. If I dislike something though, I dislike it with everything I have.

I can see the good in a situation, where others often see the bad. This has gotten me through many rough times in life

I love music. Many kinds. For any given moment, I have a song that acts as the soundtrack for that particular point in my life. All of my favorite songs have stories of my life behind them.

I love spontaneity. And I have an adventurous spirit. See something on the side of the road that looks interesting to explore? I'll pull over and explore it.

I love to laugh. I can make myself laugh. But I love people who can make me laugh. Friends, comedians, silly youtube videos.

I am strong. I can handle a lot thrown at me. It may be hard, but I'll come out okay.

Things about me that I am not quite happy with:

I am a very passionate person. I know this was on the other list, but it's a love/hate relationship. This means, that when something crushes me, it REALLY crushes me. I am not easily hurt, but when I am it's bad.

I am shy. It may not seem that way to those who know me, but new situations make me nervous, even if I am excited for them.

I am scared a lot, and I worry. Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying. While this worry doesn't keep me from doing things, it does cause me stress and/or loss of sleep on occasion.
This is just a very short list of qualities about me that I have discovered/realized.

who am I?

10.19.09
I have been exploring who I am. The more I live on my own, and take care of myself, the more I discover about myself. Like I can fix things. I installed the shelving in my house, and change my air filter, and fixed the leaky faucet in my house. These are all things that would have waited on him, before.

I have also re-discovered my love of the outdoors. There is this hill in my city that is covered in giant rocks. I used to go there all the time when I was a teenager, all the way until I was married, actually. I would spend entire afternoons there; listening to music, writing in my journal, and watching the clouds go by. I would just enjoy being with myself. That was important; I used to like spending time with myself. There was no need to surround myself with people all the time. I'm working on that.

The other evening I climbed it again, for the first time in years. In my backpack I packed my headphones, journal, and a blanket. After parking across the street, I made the short but steep climb up the back side of the hill. I reached the part where I used to lay, and set my things down. It felt as if nothing had changed. The graffiti was the same, as was the sky. I settled in on my back, using my backpack as a pillow. For nearly two hours I just laid there, letting my mind wander. Clouds drifted by, I could hear the faint sounds of traffic below me. At some point I realized that my whole body had relaxed. I was more content up there than I had been in months. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was relaxed and peaceful. It was enough for me. A smile crept across my face. I was enjoying myself. I never pulled out my journal, or my iPod. My leg dangled over the edge of my chosen rock, and swung contentedly. As my mind drifted, I began to remember other things I used to love.

I remembered late night basketball, by myself, hiding every few hours from the park rangers who would kick me out. I remembered long walks to nowhere. I remembered drawing cartoons that nobody would find funny but me. I remembered writing silly essays in my pink composition notebook. I remembered laughing hysterically to myself while watching stupid movies alone in the dark. I remembered trekking through unknown forests and brush, just to see what was on the other side, or if there was another side. I remembered that I never wanted to stop doing these things.

I am learning about me, and I kind of like me.

dreading what I must eventually do

10.12.09
I am coming to enjoy living on my own. I can come and go as I please. I can stay up late, and still turn the light on when I go to bed. I can sleep in or get up early (not that I ever do that unless I have to work. ) I have taken to watching movies lately. I want to watch a good action movie, maybe the Bourne movies, but I have not been sleeping well so I am sticking to tame chick flicks. I’ve been in a bad mood today, though I am not sure why. I am working late shifts all week, except for Thursday when I have to be in at 7AM, and I am glad for that because I get much more sleep when I can sleep in the morning.

I will be glad to get my degree and be able to get into a career. I wish I had started that a lot sooner. I will be awarded my AA this winter, and I am excited to have that. The first in my family to get a college degree. I may be divorced, but I am still better off than others in my family. Not financially better than my sister, but she has such a screwed up story that I feel that the rest of my life is still better, even if I am alone.

I have been thinking about dating again. My divorce is not final until February, but I’d like to dip my feet in the water a bit before then. The only problem is who would I date? I don’t go anywhere to meet people. This concerns me. I do eventually want to remarry, but how will this ever happen? Where do people meet each other? So, I wait. I do not look forward to the dating scene, but on the other hand I would like to see…I’m not sure what I want to see. If I could be wanted again. If somebody might find me attractive. If somebody might enjoy my company. And eventually, if somebody would consider spending their life with me.

I feel like I have come out of this marriage so broken that I don’t know what are my real shortcomings, and which ones were invented by him, or used as a cover-up for his own shortcomings. So these reasons make me very nervous about getting serious with somebody. However, it seems that the only way to work through these is just to date again and when I get serious, hopefully they will be understanding and patient with me. And hopefully, all those problems were not me.

a realization

10.07.09
My journal entry today simply reads, "I am much stronger than I thought I was." This is a heavy statement. I have spent many nights, tearfully praying for the strength to make it through another day. This morning, I realized I have. I have endured the biggest heartbreak of my life. I have endured losing my home, and everybody on his side that has been my family for the past six and a half years. I have endured a couple of weeks of living on my own, and am doing okay.

Losing his family is probably the hardest thing next to losing him. I love his brothers, and his father. I have watched the younger ones turn from little boys into men. I have spent many hours joyfully spending time with them. I considered them not only my family, but also my friends. I have spent many days mourning the loss of his family.

Although I still have hard days and I still feel lonely, and although I do not miss him any longer, I do mourn the loss of the life I had built for myself the last seven years. However, some days are not so hard. I wouldn't consider them good, but not bad is a dramatic improvement.

thankful to not be this angry

10.02.09
I was made to realize yesterday that my life is not all that bad. I was driving back from Smart and Final, in the left turn lane, when the car in front of me was cut off by an SUV trying to get into the left turn lane. I’m not actually sure if he was cut off that badly, as the guy had his signal on and everything. The guy was angry, and leaned on his horn – even I might have honked at the SUV – and the car was rocking as he angrily gave the SUV the finger. I could hear him screaming from inside my own car. We were stopped at the light, the SUV in the other left turn lane, next to me, and the guy was in front of me. He gets out of his car, this short, heavyset guy, and begins screaming at the SUV. I was thinking, whoa – it’s not that big a deal. He’s yelling “Get out of the car you ----- ---- (insert expletive)” and shaking his fists and hopping around like mad. Once it was apparent the guy in the SUV wasn’t getting out (his wife was in the car) the man runs back to his car, and is still screaming and the car was shaking so hard, back and forth, up and down. He struggles to put his seat belt back on, and then holds his hands in his head, shaking violently. I was shocked. This guy just completely lost it because somebody cut in front of him. I wondered, what kind of bad day is he having? Either he’s had a really bad time of life right now, or he has some serious emotional problems. Either way, it’s really sad. It made me realize that nothing in my life could compare to the hard life that guy is having. Just made me appreciate what I do have.

I want what they have

10.01.09
I have a couple that I am friends with, whom I have known since their marriage, and the husband for nearly nine years. I want what they have, I want their kind of relationship. They are open about the fact that they are attracted to each other, and they outwardly love and care for each other. The other person comes first to them, before even their children. This is the kind of relationship I want.


As I begin to think about dating again, and eventually marrying, I am trying to figure out what a good marriage entails. I want somebody who adores me, and I adore him in return. It doesn't have to be an ooey gooey relationship, but a deep underlying feeling. I want somebody with similar goals. I need somebody with whom I can hold long conversations with. I need a man who makes me feel safe, protected. One who is willing to hold me when I cry, and laugh with me when I am happy. One who will support me in my endeavors, and push me when I need it. I need somebody who is willing to show me affection. I want somebody who is glad to come home to me. I want somebody who won't make fun of me for enjoying being outdoors in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, because I love the serene feeling. Most of all, I want somebody who loves me.


I remember early in our marriage we had a small fight where he called me childish. I took it seriously, although he apparently didn't mean anything by it. I removed anything that could be considered childish from our home, and boxed it up. this included the stuffed animals I had had since childhood, and kids movies...everything. This was a serious overreaction to this statement, but I was tired of being seen by him as a little girl. Once he had figured out what had happened, he met me from work with a teddy bear that read, "I love you." He told me that he loved me exactly as I was, and that nothing was meant by the comment. I told him I wanted to be respected, and if he couldn't do that with my "kid" stuff around, then I didn't want them. He re-stated with firmness, "I love you EXACTLY as you are."


I look back on that now and realize he had good intentions. He really did love me at some point, until he discovered that he wasn't the person he thought he was, and this new self didn't want a girl like me. In his frustrations and dissatisfaction with his own life, he tried to change me into who he wanted for himself. This has caused me to really wonder if the real me (goodness knows who that is anymore) is good enough. In my endeavors to keep my marriage alive, and to please the man I loved with all my heart, I lost myself. What have I become?

 The day I wrote this

no time to be lonley, and hugs

09.25.09
I have started my new job, and I really like it. I spend my free time either with friends, watching movies, or writing. Writing is so therapeutic for me.

Surprisingly, I do not feel as lonely as I expected. I am fully enjoying getting my apartment together the way I like it. I was given a bunch of candles from a friend, and it is calming to burn them each night as I go about my evening routines. I love never having pee on the toilet seat, or finding a sink full of dirty dishes I didn't know about. I love the order and organization of being the only one in my house.

I still hate sleeping alone, or not having somebody to tell about my day. or hearing about somebody's day. I still miss hugs. Hugs. This is a big one. My three-year-old nephew was at my house the other day, and before he left he gave me a big hug quite unexpectedly. Once he was out the door, I broke down on the floor in tears. It had been so long since I had been touched, let alone hugged. Every day, often several times a day I would just melt into his arms for a hug, I loved the safety and security and love I felt when wrapped in a hug. I miss hugs.

I have been hugged a few times from girlfriends, but it is just...not the same. They are weak, and contain little of what I love about hugs. First off, they are loose. I love good, tight hugs. I guess for me I enjoy hugging people bigger than me, I guess that's why I like hugging my guy friends, they carry that same sense of safety, something girl hugs are lacking. I am sad I no longer have the guy friends that I did when I was single. I could use the hugs.

seeing him after 5 days

09.24.09
It has been five days since I had to move out of the house. I am learning to enjoy having my little apartment all to myself, no drips on the toilet seat, or dirty dishes on the counter.

I needed to sign some divorce papers, and we needed to exchange car keys and I needed to hand over my house keys, and access to our bank account. And I needed to get my first spousal support payment. I was nervous about seeing him, since I have been glad, then sad, then lonely, then regretful over the end of our marriage.

He was outside when I pulled up. I handed him a stack of his photos, and his slipper that had accidentally made it to my apartment. I handed him the divorce papers that he had emailed me to print out (I took the printer) but they were the wrong ones. I do not like the idea of having to see him again to sign the documents. I am considering signing them and mailing them to him. I brought the vacuum so he could do one last sweep of the house. He swears he won't need to vacuum for another couple of months after that. I laughed, he looked annoyed.

We argued about a few things, he was annoyed that I took the shower head from the master bathroom. I told him that I would have either taken it, or bought a new one with his money, as we had been on joint finances until yesterday. I figured he would like to have the new one.

He was pretty cranky by the end, I felt bad for him all alone in that big house. But, he made this bed, he can lie in it. I tried for years to make our marriage better. It takes two, and apparently the effort was more than he was willing to give. I hugged him, he put one arm around me. I told him to take care of himself. No answer.

I tried not to cry as I drove away, although I really think this divorce is the best thing for me, although I did not want it to happen. I got home, switched to my motorcycle, and embarked out to my first day at my new job. Personal freedom, here I come. With a few tears in tow.

moving day

09.20.09
Yesterday I moved out. It wasn't as bad as I had expected, he was gone and that made things easier. I had a lot of help, a great turnout from my church came and the move was over and done in just over two hours. After lunch with friends, one friend stayed behind and helped me get the large furniture into place. I began to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, which is very unlike me. it was all just too much to handle, emotionally and physically. Another friend came over, and though it is very unlike her, she took charge. We went box by box and before I knew it nearly my entire house was unpacked. I began to feel a bit better.

I had to go back to the house for my food, and unfortunately he was there. he was in a very bad mood. As I left, he remarked, " Well, it looks like all my hard work has not gotten me much, except this house." And he saluted me, a gesture he uses when he is trying to be rude. in my opinion, his hard work has gotten him a lot, he just traded it all for his freedom to be whoever it is he wants to be.

Back at my new home I didn't realize how upset I was until a couple I am friends with called to ask if I wanted company that evening. They have two children I absolutely love, and I though it would be nice to spend the evening with them. I told them I very much did, and it was all I had to hold back the tears until I hung up. As soon as I pressed "end", I lost it. I couldn't sit still, so I am wandering the house, searching for the bag with my underwear, sobbing. I couldn't even see there were so many tears, and I am digging though bags.

I finally found the bag, and this calmed me for some reason. They knocked on my door, and I composed myself while my dryer got hooked up, and the gas to my stove got turned on.
I am so appreciative to all my friends, one never realizes just how great her friends are until a crisis comes about, and everybody pulls together to make things work.

Today I feel I can combat the loneliness. I have many friends to help me along the way. This will be okay.

moving soon

09.13.09
I am moving out next Saturday. I have mixed emotions over this event, though I know it is essential to my well being and eventual happiness. I am sorrowful at leaving my home, my dream that I had finally fulfilled. I have put much love, care, sweat and tears into this home, and leaving hurts deeply.

On the other hand, I am glad to be free from living under the thumb of him. I am glad to be able to budget just for me, to work for only my priorities. I am terrified of relying solely on myself, but I am confident I can make it work. I am glad to not have to schedule myself around him and his work schedule. I am glad to not always have the looming pressure of attempting intimacy, and suffering the pain of rejection. I am glad to be able to cook for myself, it was always disheartening when I would cook and he would refuse to eat it. I am glad to be able to decorate only for me, without his bland restrictions.

I am scared, though. Scared of the loneliness I am sure to feel. Scared for the loss of companionship. Scared to be alone. Scared to sleep alone night after night. As I write this I am crying for all the fear I feel. Scared I will never find anybody to love, who loves me. Scared of making the same mistakes again. Just scared.

packing and memories

09.01.09
I spend my days packing. I had no idea how much this would hurt. It seems like everything I pick up, there is a reminder of him underneath. Or woven in. I cleaned out my jewelry box and found the first letter he had ever written to me, The one where he told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and how I would make a great mother. It took me four days to gather the courage to sort out my memory chest. I have a rather large cedar chest that I keep mementos in. it was nearly half full of memories of him and I. Once gathered and piled, I didn't know what to do. This was probably not nice, but I dumped them all on his bed. Let him look at them and maybe he will hurt a fraction of what I did. I am not one for being mean and revenge, but that little gesture felt good.

As I sifted through the memories, I realized how many good ones I had that did not include him at all. I had strange birthday presents from friends, such as cans of clam juice. I had a giant pink eagle, complete with a necklace. I had passes from my weekends at NASCAR races, gymnastics medals, and summer camp photos. I realized how much life I had lived, and how much happiness I had experienced without him. A seed has been planted in my mind, that maybe there can be happy days without him. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure how long it will take, but it's a possibility. It's little realizations like that that keep me going on the darkest days.

ready to go

08.26.09
I am ready to move out. I am tired of seeing him every day, even if our late night talks have been helpful. We have spoken at length about our marriage, agreeing on some parts where it went wrong, disagreeing on others. I have wondered how good it is for me to continue to talk to him, but I intend to learn all I can, so that I can take these experiences and lessons learned into my next relationships, to make them better, to make some good come out of this hell.

I want my freedom. I don't want my heart to sink every time he walks in the door, or tears to fall when I see him lock himself into his room at night, when it still feels like he should be coming to bed with me. Although at a closer look, I don't want him in bed with me. He is unattractive to me, and the thought of even kissing him makes me sick.

I want to get out, and discover who I am, and learn to like me, really like me, not just believe I am whoever he tells me I am.

On a happier note, I got a job. My manager from my previous job called and asked if I needed a job, as he needed a few good people in his store. Several grueling interviews later, I have a job! One step closer to freedom.

about it not being all my fault...

08.24.09
I have thought continually about the word "fault". I don't like to blame others for anything that happens in my life. It took two days before I could bring myself to write this. But I think it is an important part of my marriage, what we did wrong. It allows me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. It allows me to decide what went wrong and how I can learn from it and avoid it in the future.

That being said, it wasn't all my fault. He had his weaknesses as well. From the very beginning of our marriage, I would approach him with a concern and try to work with him on a solution. the problem was, his answer would always be, "I don't know how to fix it, so I guess there is nothing we can do." And not another word would be hard from him. I began to get very frustrated, very quickly. I had never known a person who outright refused to work out a problem. He would even acknowledge it as a problem, then clam up. Shrug his shoulders, and say "oh well."

Because of this our relationship was never able to grow as we did. If one of our values or needs changed, it got the shrug and was pushed into the ignore pile. I would plead, cry, prod and beg to no avail. I would try to solve the problems on my own, with the false idea that if I gave enough, it would make up for his lack of giving. I changed myself for him. He didn't ask for it, he didn't even want it. But it was the only response I could figure that gave us any chance of surviving.
I believe this is one of the main reasons our marriage was so unhappy. He felt he couldn't be who he was, because he had changed. Because he had changed, that meant our marriage had to change, and he wasn't willing to put in the effort to let it change. As I changed, as I became in control of myself and happy and stable, our marriage couldn't change with that either. We were stuck in the same marriage we had been in when were 20 years old, but we were now full-blown adults.

He couldn't accept that I had changed, he refused to admit it until now, after the marriage was over. He still hasn't accepted that he has changed, because that means a lifestyle change for him. And I wonder, was all this really easier?

learning to deal

08.20.09
My journal entry today was a single line that read, "I stand strong against the wind, it's the only thing I can do."

I'm learning to take life one day at a time. Now that the big things are handled, the divorce details, where I will live, and I am pretty sure I will have a job before I move.

I ate a full meal yesterday. And I kept it down. I ate lunch today, and it stayed down as well. I'm improving. I am learning to calm myself down when life begins to feel too much. Sunlight is very helpful. I have a large backyard, though it is full with my garden that has unfortunately died. I have begun going into the back yard and sitting in my camping chair and turning my face to the sky. I remind myself that this sun will be the same, whether I live here, or somewhere else, or if I am alone or with somebody I love. It's small, but it's a constant I can count on. I soak up the vitamins and breath deeply. It calms me. And my face is getting tan.

I've learned other little things to do when life closes in. Reading is the best escape ever. I am not one to run away from my problems, but nothing is hurt by letting my body relax and live through the eyes of a great character in a novel.

I am also finding a therapist. I feel like I am coming out of this marriage with great insecurities, and I do not want them to hurt me if I ever get into another relationship. I intend to remarry, and when I do I do not want to screw it up.

about it not all being his fault...

08.19.09
It really isn't. I've done my share of destructive things as well. I am bi-polar. While it is well controlled (without medication) now, it wasn't when I first got married. I was diagnosed about 6 months after our wedding. As he began to change , (he stopped wanting to go out, or do those things we did before we were married) I couldn't handle my emotions. I was upset or crying all the time. I would get angry over stupid things, like if he hadn't taken out the trash. The worst part was that I couldn't figure out the root of my upset mood. it lasted for months. I now realize that my anger was caused by my husband not being the man I married. Not an excuse, but I finally did figure it out. Instead of questioning why he was different, I was just upset. He never knew when he would come home to find me angry, sulking, or crying.

Once I was diagnosed things got better for a considerable amount of time. I went on medication. While the meds made me sick, my mood was balanced and we were able to go back to being a married couple, instead of opposition in a war. i encountered two problems however. The first is that he made it clear that he did not believe in psychological illnesses, he thought I was just being lazy. He also made it clear that he thought I should not be on medication. The other problem was how sick the meds made me. I was sleepy all the time, and nearly always sick to my stomach. Eventually I weaned myself off of the medication.

Life was a series of ups and downs for a couple of years. I did the best I could to control myself, but I had no tools or anybody to help me. I didn't know what I was doing, and didn't do a very good job.

I had a breaking point about three years into our marriage. I hated feeling the way I did, I hated being upset all the time, I hated the deep debilitating depressions that I would struggle through. He hated them too, and began to resent me. I knew I had to do something. I spoke with a psychiatrist and began a new regimen of medication. I chose to do this because I needed a clear, un manic/depressive mind to make the next changes and decisions. I began seeing a psychologist who specialized in bi-polar patients. My goal was to ultimately learn how to control myself without medication. I worked hard. I logged how I felt every day, and the choices I made. I logged what made me angry, sad, upset, happy. My dosages were slowly lowered until I was no longer taking anything.

I kept my log. I learned to tell when I was heading toward a depressive state. I learned to control my emotions, until I no longer even reacted to those rash feelings. Eventually, I didn't have them anymore. the problem was, we were now four years into our marriage. Despite my continual efforts from day one of my marriage to make things work, he could never see past my faults to remember the real me. He never got over it. He hated and resented me.

I still have to make a conscious effort to be sure I stay emotionally healthy, and I have things I do on a regular basis to help me. However, I rarely show any symptoms due to my rational mind and strong willpower.

what happened to my marriage?

08.18.09
As I look back on my marriage, the question keeps popping up, "what happened?" Yes, he left me. He said it was because he felt like he couldn't be himself with me, that he wanted to be free to life the life he missed while married to me. He wanted to party, and be with other women. He wanted his freedom.

Everybody is quick to blame this all on him, but that is not the case. It takes two to make a good marriage, and two to bring it down. In the summer of 2007 he announced he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He wanted to go to counseling, to try and make our marriage better. He had a list of things that were wrong. This list included our communication, the quality of time we spent together, and various things about me that bothered him. We attended counseling regularly for three months. I diligently did everything I was told I needed to do, and he did some of what he was told. It wasn't long though, before I was the only one left trying. I tried harder, reminding him of the things we were working on, and putting extra effort to make up for his slack. He refused to go back to counseling. Shortly afterward he announced that he didn't want a divorce, he was happy to stay together.

We bought a house, knowing that tripping over each other in our tiny apartment caused much trouble in our relationship. The big house gave us our space, but for me it was too much. he rarely spent time with me once there were multiple rooms for him to hide in. He sometimes even slept in his office, claiming that the bed gave him backaches. As his situation at work (he had an awful boss) got worse, our home life did too. He often would snap at me for no reason, or tell me he didn't like me. All he ever wanted was to be left alone.

Then, he got a new boss. And our home life got better. We resumed our regular date night, we were laughing together and planning things for the future. We were making improvements on our house, and enjoying each others company. Even our intimate life got considerably better.
Something happened to both of us while I was gone in Colorado. I spent many days updating my journal, chronicling events that I had not been keeping up on. While remembering these days, and writing about our ups and downs and sorrows and triumphs I realized that we would never have a truly happy relationship. I realized that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. I even expressed this sadness to my brother. I realized that this was not the marriage I wanted for myself. I made no plans to leave, as I wanted to see how much better our relationship could get. I am not a believer in divorce. I am not quick to make such large decisions. I loved him with all of me, and my love is not easily broken. I was willing to put in more than 100%, but was he? I hoped my trip would spark some good discussions, and we could work on making things better. The seed had been planted. I sat on the airplane towards home planning a nice, calm evening with the man I loved.

Meanwhile, he was sitting at home, realizing how happy he was with me gone. He found he dreaded every phone call, every email. He didn't want to hear from me. he didn't even want me to come home. he didn't want me at all, and more than that he found he didn't love me, and wished he never had to deal with me again. So he made plans for a divorce. he wrote up a tentative contract, and placed it into a manila envelope. He set it on the floor of the backseat and left for the airport.

trying for normalcy

08.16.09
I need to get back to normal. I have hardly eaten anything solid since The Day, and even then I can't keep it down for more than an hour or so. I have been able to keep down a few slim fast drinks. After another random bout of moping, I was suddenly famished today. I didn't know what to do, as my stomach quit growling days ago. I wandered through the kitchen, and ended up deciding on dry cheerios, as they were the only thing that didn't make my stomach turn. Not more than an hour after I had eaten (and thrown up) a handful of cheerios, I was watching television and saw a commercial for chicken strips. I wanted them. Really, really wanted them. I took this as a sign from above. I cooked myself some chicken nuggets. I ate four of them! It was great, I felt like I actually had energy. I did throw them up later, but it was at least three hours until I did.

I am exhausted all the time. I just want to sleep, but when I finally do around midnight or one AM, I have nightmares then wake up really early and can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing. What? Where? WHY? I just want to be able to eat a normal meal and sleep all the way through the night, and feel happy again. I fear that will take months, or maybe even years.

crying...and crying...and crying

08.15.09
I have been randomly crying, but only for a couple of minutes here and there. I was in Target, I had a cart of things I needed, and began to cry. No trigger, no reason. Just started crying. I had to leave the cart and go. Now I know why there are always random carts lying around stores. It's for people getting divorced.

I had a low spot yesterday. I went on a job interview, one that sounded promising. I drove 45 minutes for the interview, in heavy traffic, canceling my plans to spend a much needed day with a friend. Upon arrival, I thought I was in the wrong place. Loud rap music was playing. There must have been fifteen teenagers filling out applications. I sat through fifteen minutes in the interview, trying to figure out what kind of company this was, before I discovered it was a pyramid scheme. I was devastated.

I wasn't on the freeway for ten minutes before I burst into tears. I expected it to stop after a couple of minutes, but it didn't. I sobbed all the way home. I felt like the world was out to get me. My husband leaves me. I finally got my dream of owning a home. Life was getting better and better, and now I have to leave it all behind.

That evening, he came home from work, sat down next to me on the couch, and just began telling me about his day. It was like nothing had ever happened. I didn't know what to do, but I let him talk. I still care about him, that won't go away right away. When he had finished talking, he went upstairs and went to bed. he is sleeping in his office, where he had already moved all this things before I got home from Colorado. I couldn't take it. I burst into tears again. I cried, and cried and cried. Harder than I have ever cried before. I sobbed so hard, and so loud. Hours turned into more hours. I cried until I ran out of tears, then kept crying. I let it all out. I was angry, and sad and bitter and lonely...I finally fell asleep, still crying.

I hate being alone. I feel so alone already. When I was crying, I wanted so badly to cry in somebody's arms. I don't have anybody I can do that with anymore. I wanted to be held, and hugged, and to feel safe again. My safety is gone.

where to live?

08.13.09
I keep the to do list in my pocket at all times. I’ve added to it since Sunday. Underneath the old list, it now reads, “learn to lean on your friends the way you’ve let them lean on you.” And “let them help.” I have a problem with letting others help me. I’ve always been the strong one, the one with the sensible advice. The one they all went to when they had problems, or when life collapsed around them. Now life is collapsing around me and who can I lean on? I need them all.

I had originally planned to live with a friend of mind, a lady whom I originally met when she hired me to clean her house. She has a spare room, and I can clean in exchange for rent. There were several problems here. First, I could not bring my cats. They are all I have left. I break down in tears when I think of leaving them. Granted, I break down in tears over everything, but they do mean a lot to me. Second, she drinks a lot, and misery loves company and I do not think this would be a good place for me to grow and heal emotionally.

I contacted the grandmother of my friends, from whom we had rented an apartment from before we’d bought our house. My old house was still available…and they’d renovate it for me if I wanted it. After hours of crunching numbers and seeing if I could manage to afford it, I decided I could. Barely, but I could. Slowly, a fog began to lift. Not much, but enough to kick myself into gear, and begin looking to the future.

Now I keep thinking what it will be like living on my own. I’m scared. Not for safety, but for me in general. How will I handle coming home every day to…nobody? Or crawling into bed every night…alone? What happens when my car breaks? Or the TV won’t work? I’ve always had somebody to share responsibilities with, and now it will be just me. The pressure is mounting.

spreading the news

08.10.09
I knew I had to tell everybody. I figured the sooner the better, since I knew I would need a large network of support. Plus, I didn’t want there to be any rumors, I wanted to be open and honest about what was going on. Sunday night my friends and I had a beach bonfire trip planned. My one friend who knew what had happened drove, and we made the 45 minute drive out to Oceanside. I hadn’t exactly figured out how to tell everybody. I really hate telling bad news, not because I don’t like sharing, but because I hate to be a downer on the evening.

I pulled aside one of my closest friends and listened to her talk for a while, as we walked down the beach. Eventually, she asked how I was doing. I paused. “Well…” I had a difficult time continuing, as tears began to roll down my face. I was thankful it was dark, and also surprised I still had tears left. I blurted out, “He left me and we are getting a divorce.” Her reaction was not unexpected, first shock, then concern for me, then anger towards him. It was like the entire grieving process in about five minutes.

I still couldn’t figure out how to tell the other couple there, other close friends of mine. I don’t remember how, but we ended up in a car together, and gave them the news. Their reaction was more unexpected. “Jackass.” The husband proclaimed, along with other expletives that degraded my husband’s sexual anatomy. That was a nice, needed comic relief. I relaxed a little, and was able to field a lot of questions, few of which I were able to answer.

I ate the first piece of food in over 24 hours, a hot dog cooked over the fire. Three hours later, I threw it up. I didn’t even feel hungry, though the sickness I felt in my stomach had been turning since the night before. One more hard part hurdled, an infinite amount to go.

what now?

08.09.09
Today I left Dad’s house early and went home, although I wasn’t sure if it was still my home. I managed to stay dry-eyed until I walked into the house and was greeted with my favorite wedding photo. I burst into tears, and cried laying on the floor right where I had been standing. I finally gathered myself together, and went through the house taking down every photo of Him and I. Once upstairs, I fell to the floor once again, crying. There were so many questions and I had no answers to any of them. I didn't know what to do. How will I make it on my own? I have no job; I am a full time student. Where will I live? I can't keep the house. How will I survive being alone? The biggest thought screaming through my head was, "I CAN'T DO THIS." I wished I was dead. The night wore on relentlessly, the darkness and silence filling a very huge hole in my heart. I had no idea, but I had a very long road ahead of me.

Fear and sorrow filled my entire being. My head spun, and no thought was finished. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour, but no straight lines could be found. I knew I had to get myself together, but every time I pulled myself up off the floor, I fell right back to it, tears falling from my face. It was several hours later that my tears ran dry; I had nothing left to cry. I climbed into my bed, using the last of my energy. After fumbling for a pen and paper, I began to make a list of what I needed to do. At the top of my list: QUIT CRYING. I hate crying. It makes my nose run, and my head hurt. I was nearly sure that I had cried more in the last two days than I had in my entire life. Knowing that this first goal may be unreasonable, I continued. I added “find a new place to live” and “Get a job.” I had stopped working when my last place of employment went out of business, and was focusing on rushing through to get my degree. I also added, “Learn how to be alone” and “never stop looking forward.”

the beginning of the end

08.08.09
On August 8, 2009 I came home from seeing my sister in Colorado. Before I my plane took off, my facebook post read: “just touched down in phoenix, raced to make my connection because my first plane was way late and now I'm sitting on my second plane, nearly home!” I was so glad to be getting home and seeing my husband. I had a nice evening planned, just at home spending quality time with him. He met me at the airport. He had flowers waiting for me on the car seat, and I smiled, thinking what a great evening this would be.

We sat down at Fizollis, a nearby fast food restaurant. He pulled out a manila envelope and gave me this smile, a look I had seen before. It read, ‘I love you, but this will hurt you.’ In the split second before he announced it, I knew what was coming. My heart sank and my stomach turned. I began to get dizzy. I barely heard him say, “I want a divorce.”

The room swam in front of me, as our food arrived all I wanted to do was get out of there. He just began to eat. I vaguely remember him asking if I was going to eat, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. After what seemed like an eternity I followed him out to the car. He offered to let me drive home, and he would call a cab, but I couldn’t see straight, I knew there was no way I could drive.

My world was falling down around me. I knew that my entire life would change, from this point forward it would all be different. I didn’t know what to do, or where to turn. My best idea was my friend’s father. He’d been through several divorces, and at least he could give me practical advice. Besides, he had played a father figure role for me for the past several years.

After a tearful meeting with dad, I was ushered off to bed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I could not fall asleep. I lay awake, dry eyed and terrified. I tried to distract myself by reading a book I had started on the plane, but to no avail. I slept very little that night.