I have learned...

3. How to forgive. I am actually still working on this one, but I have learned a lot. It was surprisingly easy to forgive him for leaving me. I didn't agree, I didn't want it and I was heartbroken, but I understood. I understood that he felt he was doing the right thing for himself, and I understood the fact that he just didn't love me anymore. I have a lot of respect for the people that can make that hard decision (though sometimes I think it was easy for him) that they know will be better for them. I forgave him. I had forgiven him before two weeks were up. I hated the situation, but I didn not hold hard feelings for him for it.

This recent time around, where he tells me all about his girlfriend, and how he will have children and a puppy and shaved his mustache...that was much much harder. The hurt and anger and anguish and bitterness ran deep, and wove around the fibers of my soul. Trying to untangle all that enough to rid myself of those feelings is really really difficult. I have managed to extract the largest of those fibers, reminding myself that those things were not the reason we broke up. Had he wanted those things within our marriage, it may have made it just that much harder to walk away. I have to remind myself that he does not mean to hurt me still. I have to remind myself that someday, I too will be so happy in a relationship that none of this will matter. I have to remind myself to have self confidence, and when that fog of unhappiness rolls in, to duck and not get caught up in it.

So most of the time I do not feel anger toward him anymore, I still understand why he felt he had to do what he did. I am still hurt, I still bleed salty tears every time one of those fibers is pulled from within me. But I forgive him. I forgive him for all that was done within our marriage. I forgive him for all the tears that were caused, the heartache and frustration and the anger that we each felt throughout our marriage. I forgive him for making me feel all the things I feel. I have realized that forgiveness doesn't mean that I don't hurt anymore, or that I won't wake up crying from time to time. It doesn't have to mean that I don't feel anger every now and again. It doesn't mean that I have to blame myself every time I am sad. It just means that I understand why. And I don't hold it against him in the long run of things. And I don't.