February 11, 2009
It's been a little while since I have written here, I have been reluctant to update when I have very little positive to say. Ever since my last meeting with him, this bitterness has been festering inside of me. I hate it. It makes me hate me. I am not an angry person at all, in fact I would rather let something go instead of letting myself be angry. It's an awful feeling. I didn't realize just how bitter I was until I drove past his street the other day. I would normally just avoid it all together, as there is no real reason to be in that part of town. But I was following a friend and we were getting around traffic. As we passed the street that led to his, I had this overwhelming desire to flip it off. Now, this is not me at all. I find that gesture to be incredibly ugly and offensive, and have never used it in my entire life. It took much effort to not do this, and I am glad I didn't. But I wanted to. What is wrong with me? WHY do I care so much? I didn't use to.
I explored this with the divorce counselor I am seeing, and the conclusion was this: I feel betrayed, and I need to forgive him. I'll discuss the first. I have not ever felt betrayed the way I do now. I have never been betrayed the way I have been now, however. I spent six and a half years trying to get a few things from my husband: Love, a desire to be with me, a puppy, children, and a relaxed, happy husband. I didn't get any one of those things, and they were the most important to me. And I didn't get even one. Now, there is some chick out there who can have all of these things from him, including the puppy because if he followed through, he should have one by now. What, he didn't even trust me to be the parent of a puppy? It hurts how little - I mean- no respect he had for me. It burns my insides, this raging flame that is getting hotter by the day. Eventually I will be an inferno and I am scared for that day.
Onto the forgiveness part. I feel like someone on television, with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. part of me doesn't want to forgive him. He hurt me, left scars that are taking too long to fade. Why should I forgive that? He doesn't deserve it. The other part is that rational, loving me that doesn't like to be mean. It says I need to forgive him, that hating him is only hurting myself, and I did it once in the beginning of the divorce, why can't I do it now? I know why, because I thought he was as miserable as I was. Now I know his sadness doesn't even compare to mine. And I resent that.
However, I know this angel is right. I am only hurting myself. It's not like I am there to rub in the non-forgiveness in. I have said from the beginning that I am going to do anything I can to come out of this healthy, and better than I was before. And I am going to do that. But how do I go about forgiving him? I'm lost there. My selfish feelings are in the way. I tell myself that I really do want him to be happy. And I do. Just not until I am happy first. This is a problem. But I don't really want him to suffer either. After that last encounter, I felt really, really bad that I said things that probably hurt him. I still feel bad about that. So, I do still care, and some remote part of me still loves him, that won't disappear completely for a long time, I spent too many years loving him.
So how do I go about forgiving? How does this work? Forgiveness has always come so easily to me, I have never had to work at it. Can I make a conscious effort of this? If so, what do I do? Do I just repeat over and over that I forgive him? I've spent more time on my knees praying recently...it doesn't seem to be helping this forgiveness part. I hate these entries, I will spend the next two days crying over this.
Life has been rough lately, it's been a constant battle with myself and my emotions, to keep myself under control. I've managed to hold up a good front for my friends, I just can't lean on them so much. They all have their own lives to deal with, and they don't need me in the way. They each are dealing with their own personal battles, and I know firsthand what the extra stress of a friends problems can do to your own. In a way it's nice to laugh and act happy, but at the end of the day when everybody has gone home it's nice to just be me.
I slept outside last night. I had had a really long night at work the previous day into that morning, and I was really exhausted, but too keyed up over life to relax. I was on the phone to Jacob until I thought I was tired enough to go to bed, but once I laid down I couldn't even get my eyes to shut. I took a glass of hot chocolate and a lot of blankets outside, and curled up on my hammock. All the frustration and stress and sadness overflowed, and I cried for about an hour. Eventually the stars and the cold breeze on my tears calmed me, and I began to relax. I am so appreciative to live in a place where I can do this. Eventually my eyes closed and I thought to myself, I need to go in. But I was so comfortable, so calm. next thing I know, it was daylight, and I had the best sleep I'd slept in weeks. I guess, I am going back outside.
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