First an update: It has been a really really hard couple of days. I have been in a whole lot of pain, which has made functioning difficult, though not impossible. Hooray for strong pain killers. I am enjoying soaking in the hot tub at the gym, that is relieving so much of the pain I am not sure where I would be without that. Monday was...difficult. I had an appointment at the doctors, which I was not thrilled with. thrilled that I was not forced to have a plaster cast on my arm, but did not agree with all the diagnoses about my injuries. I really wanted to see my own doctors and began making some phone calls to find out if my insurance was still good. Turns out that since that day was the day the divorce was final, I was no longer eligible to use my insurance, whether or not my ex had filed the paperwork to stop my insurance. THAT is when the weight of everything set in. My life will no longer be the same, I realized. My safety nets are coming down and I have to stand on my own feet. I'm scared. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I was, I wonder how much weight my shoulders can bear before breaking.
There is one thing that happened that ordinarily would have upset me but didn't. After I had called his work to inquire about my insurance, they called my ex to tell him I was being nosy. Pretty good service they have there, though I didn't mind. He called me later that evening to see if I was okay. the conversation was short, but it strangely made me feel better that he was concerned. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, he offered to help if there was anything I needed. I can't think of anything he could do, though there is much help I need it just can't really come from him. But it felt good that he cared.
On to the point of this entry. I spent Sunday occupying my breaks and extreme amounts of down time at work by listing everything I have gained or learned since August 8, 2009. I am amazed at how much there is. The first lesson learned will be listed in this entry, and then I am back dating separate entries to yesterday so that they will fall under this one, to avoid having a ridiculously long entry.These are in no particular order, unless you can find meaning in what came to my head first.
1. That I really, truly love life. Once I had something taken from me I realized just how fragile life is, and it gave me a whole new appreciation and viewpoint on life. I find myself cherishing individual moments more and more. I take time out to do those things that make me feel small yet calm and whole and just glad to be alive.
I've spent several recent nights in my hammock, just rocking and watching the stars move across the night sky as the hours pass. It's amazing how many shooting stars you can see from the city. Americans as a whole tend to schedule their lives so fully that they believe they have no time for such things. I used to be one of them. Now I schedule time to have these serene experiences. I have a photo frame next to my bed that reads, "We do not remember days, we remember moments." it is so true. I can remember feeling the wind in my hair, laying on a rock watching the meteor shower light up the sky. I remember rolling over and seeing the friend next to me, and realizing that there is nowhere else in this world I would rather be. I remember one night in my hammock examining the little dipper and smiling, for no reason other than that I was happy. I remember watching California pass by my backseat window, looking at my two friends in the front seats, and being thankful that people love me enough to share this experience with me. I will never forget these moments for as long as I live. It's in those moments that I truly learn about myself.
Many people dislike life because they insist it only brings them heartbreak and sorrow. I thought this in the beginning of the divorce. I would have rather died than feel what I was feeling. But I have realized now that without those feelings of deep sorrow and despair, I could never feel such happiness as I can feel now. I love to wake up and know that I can do something to make myself feel good that day. From hiking nearby or sleeping under the stars or if I have no time, little things like singing loudly to music from my iPod en route to my days events. or packing a piece of sees candy in my lunch. Or having a quick chat on the phone to a friend while I drive. I'm in control. not always of my emotions, but I can either help them be happy or help them be sad. I choose. Life allows that. I like it.
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