I went to dinner and it was...

11.29.09
Okay. Great actually! I did get hurt. Not, however, in the way I expected. But first, the good part. I am over him. This seals it. I felt nothing toward him. We had dinner, we talked. I told him about my job, he told me how he is "finding himself." I'm truly happy for him for that. Not a bitter happy, truly happy for him. But I still didn't want him.

Here is the hard part. He tells me of this girl he really, really wanted to ask out. he finally musters up the courage, and she shoots him down. Ouch. I actually cringed for him at this point. However, another girl was willing to help him feel better, by dating him. Turns out, she was also seeing a couple of other men. When he put his foot down, and said he wanted to be the only, she kicked him to the curb.

He told me that he now understood a little part of how I must have felt when he left me. He was crushed, his spirit was crushed. He said he knows what I felt must have been much, much worse and he is so sorry for what he did, although he knows he can never take it or me back.

The apology part was okay, it actually made me feel a bit better, because an apology from him is rare, and difficult for him. He hard part was this: I spent 6 1/2 years trying to get him to love me, even to like me. This girl waltzes in and he is mad about her? What does she have that I don't? What did I fail to possess that drew him in so completely? I guess it's just a blow to the ego more than anything. It hurt.

He then asked if I was dating anybody. Ouch. I told the truth, that I had not. He seemed confused, and asked why. I decided to just tell him the truth. Maybe he won't call me anymore if I do. So, I related my feelings about how when our marriage ended, most of my confidence left with him. I had spent so many years trying to please him, make him happy, make him like me, that the only thing that mattered to me was him. I loved him with the barest, deepest part of my soul that I could not see what I was doing to myself. Every time I would find more inside me and once again give him my all, my confidence and happiness rose and fell with my successes and failures.

By the time our marriage came to an end, I was exhausted. Divorce was the ultimate fail in my quest to regain his love. I was left with scattered fragments of myself, broken and battered. My entire confidence was strewn among the pieces and I am still gathering them, and trying to figure out how they fit inside the real me.

Dinner ended on a good note, and we said goodbye and went home. I had extremely mixed feelings. The waterworks turned on halfway home. I was afraid they would come. They were part relief, part sorrow. I was so glad, and proud of myself to find that I truly didn't want him anymore. However, that he so easily gave his love, when I fought and never won stung. 

I was emotionally torn. I wanted to get out so badly. I wanted to drive far, and find a calming place to be. I wanted to go to the beach. The one time I did that I received a lot of grief from friends, because I went alone. I wasn't up for a lot of grief this time, so I sent out a text to everybody, saying I was going to the beach, anybody want to come? I received a lot of no's, and several ignored me. I got a few angry phone calls about not going alone. My plan backfired.

I figured everybody would ignore me, and I could go and they couldn't say anything. Fail. I knew it would be destructive to stay home but...I just couldn't handle angry friends. Not this time. 

So, I took a shower. It's the best place for crying. After a good 45 minutes and ten wrinkly fingers later, I dragged myself out of the shower. The tears wouldn't stop. I curled up on my lovesac and bawled it out. Thankfully, my phone rang. I had to pull myself together to answer it. It was Jacob, trying to figure out who had sent him a text randomly wanting to go to the beach. After a short conversation I hung up and took a few deep breaths. The crying was over. I was thankful that something forced me to calm down.

One more major hurdle cleared. I feel good.

he asked me to dinner...and I said yes

11.28.09
So...he called me tonight. He asked if I would go to dinner with him just then. I automatically said no. I did not want that. The more I thought about it however, the more I thought that it would be good for me if I did go. My friend said "no". My heart said "I can't." My mind said, "Sigh. Do what you gotta do..." So I called him back. I told him that he had weirded me out just then by calling like that, and that I was free tomorrow evening if he wanted to see me. We made plans.

I need to do this. I know it is a possible destructive action. I know I could break down crying in the middle of dinner. I know I could fall into a depression afterward. I know this could be a major setback. But what if it isn't. What if I can get through dinner, and feel no longing, no affection, and no want? I feel like I have completely moved on. But have I really? How am I supposed to know? I think dinner could tell me.

I'm driving my own car. This way, if things get bad, I can leave. I'm paying for my own dinner. I don't want to owe him anything. I'm scared. Terrified, actually. Wish me luck. I will be praying hard tonight.

Thanksgiving, a new niece, and friends

11.28.09
This has been quite a nice week. I spent thanksgiving with family, just hanging out at my friend’s dad’s house. Seeing as how it was the first holiday single, I was a bit concerned as to how I would handle it, but turns out I was fine. I am used to spending thanksgiving alone anyhow, as he worked often during that holiday. The only difference was that I did not go see his family. I was not feeling too good for part of the day, and I think everybody was worried that I was sad, but I wasn't, not in the least. I hope this lasts.

My sister had a baby, a girl named Rosemary. She was born on the 25th, hours after my sister’s husband left to go back to Afghanistan. Although we were all happy she was born, it is sad he couldn't be there to see it. I am hoping my sister will come out for Christmas, so I can meet my niece.

I have been working a lot lately; late, late hours five to six days a week. It finally slowed down, and I have been left with a lot of late nights up by myself. It's been okay because I have plenty to do, but nights seem long when you are the only one up. I have a friend , Jacob, who is in from out of town who is also a night owl, so I have had company a few nights and that has been welcome.
Emotionally, I am doing extremely well. I don't think about him all the time. I can bring him up in conversation if the topic relates to something that had to do with him, and it's nothing to me. The same way I would say, "oh yea, by brother..." it's comfortable now that he is a part of my past, and no longer a part of my future.

I'm jumping into this new life with both feet.

soooo unsure

11.08.09
It's been a rough day. I learned some things about him that...really hurt. They leave me wondering where I fit, if anybody can ever love me the way I loved him. Not in the sense that they would fight in vain, or hurt themselves because that is pathetic and wrong. But in the way that they would look forward to coming home to me at the end of the day. That they would celebrate with me and cry with me. That they would share their triumphs and pitfalls with me. That they would allow me to love them in my deep, unwavering way, and not resent me for the hugs and smiles and kisses I give.

I know these fears are directly intertwines with my shattered confidence. I worry that nobody can see me for who I am, and love me for it. Is there anybody who will be patient enough to take the time to get to know me enough to love me? Although I am doing all I can to make necessary repairs, there are some things that can only be learned from within the depths of a good relationship.

me

11.06.09
Here's another list I have come up with.

Things I like: Feeling the wind on my face even if it is freezing outside. Laughing with children. Flowers. Pink stuff. The way a brand new set of pajamas feels. Laying outside at night watching as the stars move across the sky and realizing I have been there for hours and didn't even notice the time. Talking on the phone to friends.

These are things I have discovered in the past week. Who knows what I will find if I keep looking. I feel so free, not having to walk on eggshells all the time, afraid of making him mad or getting criticized for what I am doing, saying, thinking, feeling. This weight on my chest is gone and I feel so light. I thought at first it was the fifteen pounds I lost but no, it's not having that looming dread clouding up my life.

I remember one day in particular. We were in the middle of a kitchen remodel, and the house was in quite a state of disarray. The bakes on my car needed looking at, and he had stated the night before, with no prodding from me, that he would do them first thing in the morning, since I had to go somewhere that afternoon. I sleepily came downstairs mid morning, and he was working on the kitchen floor. I asked if the brakes were done already, or if I should take the other car, since I had to leave earlier than expected. he replied that he did not know he was supposed to do the brakes that day. I replied that he had said the night before that they would be done, but that it was fine I would take the other car. I sat down on the stairs to wait and see if he would need help with the floor. It wasn't two minutes later where he stands up, lets out multiple expletives, yells, "FINE, I'LL DO THEM NOW!" and storms into the garage.

I was a bit stunned and confused so I followed him to the garage to let him know that it was fine, there was no reason I couldn't take the other car. I opened the door and received another barrage of expletives aimed at me, and was told to get out of his sight. This was so unlike him, I was lost as to how to feel, what to think, how to act. I could see where he would feel overwhelmed by so many things to do, but that reaction was over the top. I retreated to my room, where I stayed the rest of the day. I didn't even go out, I was afraid of what I might meet downstairs.

It was strange days like that that I can look back and see the mounting dislike he had for me seeping out through the cracks, or overflowing like it did that day. He never talked to me about himself, so I never knew how he was feeling, throughout the 6 years of our marriage. Because of this, I reacted wrongly to many situations just because I couldn't read him at all. I feel cheated, he got to know everything about me, and I got to know little about the real him. I will never allow myself to be in that situation ever again.

oh my goodness...

11.04.09
...I don't think about him every day anymore. I went all day yesterday without thinking about him! And I hadn't today either until he called me. Even then, I didn't care. It didn't ruin my day. I was fine afterward. I'M MOVING ON. I wasn't sure it would happen, but it is happening.

Dear new life,
Watch out because here I come.
Love, Colleen.