11.06.09
Here's another list I have come up with.
Things I like: Feeling the wind on my face even if it is freezing outside. Laughing with children. Flowers. Pink stuff. The way a brand new set of pajamas feels. Laying outside at night watching as the stars move across the sky and realizing I have been there for hours and didn't even notice the time. Talking on the phone to friends.
These are things I have discovered in the past week. Who knows what I will find if I keep looking. I feel so free, not having to walk on eggshells all the time, afraid of making him mad or getting criticized for what I am doing, saying, thinking, feeling. This weight on my chest is gone and I feel so light. I thought at first it was the fifteen pounds I lost but no, it's not having that looming dread clouding up my life.
I remember one day in particular. We were in the middle of a kitchen remodel, and the house was in quite a state of disarray. The bakes on my car needed looking at, and he had stated the night before, with no prodding from me, that he would do them first thing in the morning, since I had to go somewhere that afternoon. I sleepily came downstairs mid morning, and he was working on the kitchen floor. I asked if the brakes were done already, or if I should take the other car, since I had to leave earlier than expected. he replied that he did not know he was supposed to do the brakes that day. I replied that he had said the night before that they would be done, but that it was fine I would take the other car. I sat down on the stairs to wait and see if he would need help with the floor. It wasn't two minutes later where he stands up, lets out multiple expletives, yells, "FINE, I'LL DO THEM NOW!" and storms into the garage.
I was a bit stunned and confused so I followed him to the garage to let him know that it was fine, there was no reason I couldn't take the other car. I opened the door and received another barrage of expletives aimed at me, and was told to get out of his sight. This was so unlike him, I was lost as to how to feel, what to think, how to act. I could see where he would feel overwhelmed by so many things to do, but that reaction was over the top. I retreated to my room, where I stayed the rest of the day. I didn't even go out, I was afraid of what I might meet downstairs.
It was strange days like that that I can look back and see the mounting dislike he had for me seeping out through the cracks, or overflowing like it did that day. He never talked to me about himself, so I never knew how he was feeling, throughout the 6 years of our marriage. Because of this, I reacted wrongly to many situations just because I couldn't read him at all. I feel cheated, he got to know everything about me, and I got to know little about the real him. I will never allow myself to be in that situation ever again.
Here's another list I have come up with.
Things I like: Feeling the wind on my face even if it is freezing outside. Laughing with children. Flowers. Pink stuff. The way a brand new set of pajamas feels. Laying outside at night watching as the stars move across the sky and realizing I have been there for hours and didn't even notice the time. Talking on the phone to friends.
These are things I have discovered in the past week. Who knows what I will find if I keep looking. I feel so free, not having to walk on eggshells all the time, afraid of making him mad or getting criticized for what I am doing, saying, thinking, feeling. This weight on my chest is gone and I feel so light. I thought at first it was the fifteen pounds I lost but no, it's not having that looming dread clouding up my life.
I remember one day in particular. We were in the middle of a kitchen remodel, and the house was in quite a state of disarray. The bakes on my car needed looking at, and he had stated the night before, with no prodding from me, that he would do them first thing in the morning, since I had to go somewhere that afternoon. I sleepily came downstairs mid morning, and he was working on the kitchen floor. I asked if the brakes were done already, or if I should take the other car, since I had to leave earlier than expected. he replied that he did not know he was supposed to do the brakes that day. I replied that he had said the night before that they would be done, but that it was fine I would take the other car. I sat down on the stairs to wait and see if he would need help with the floor. It wasn't two minutes later where he stands up, lets out multiple expletives, yells, "FINE, I'LL DO THEM NOW!" and storms into the garage.
I was a bit stunned and confused so I followed him to the garage to let him know that it was fine, there was no reason I couldn't take the other car. I opened the door and received another barrage of expletives aimed at me, and was told to get out of his sight. This was so unlike him, I was lost as to how to feel, what to think, how to act. I could see where he would feel overwhelmed by so many things to do, but that reaction was over the top. I retreated to my room, where I stayed the rest of the day. I didn't even go out, I was afraid of what I might meet downstairs.
It was strange days like that that I can look back and see the mounting dislike he had for me seeping out through the cracks, or overflowing like it did that day. He never talked to me about himself, so I never knew how he was feeling, throughout the 6 years of our marriage. Because of this, I reacted wrongly to many situations just because I couldn't read him at all. I feel cheated, he got to know everything about me, and I got to know little about the real him. I will never allow myself to be in that situation ever again.
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