he asked me to dinner...and I said yes

11.28.09
So...he called me tonight. He asked if I would go to dinner with him just then. I automatically said no. I did not want that. The more I thought about it however, the more I thought that it would be good for me if I did go. My friend said "no". My heart said "I can't." My mind said, "Sigh. Do what you gotta do..." So I called him back. I told him that he had weirded me out just then by calling like that, and that I was free tomorrow evening if he wanted to see me. We made plans.

I need to do this. I know it is a possible destructive action. I know I could break down crying in the middle of dinner. I know I could fall into a depression afterward. I know this could be a major setback. But what if it isn't. What if I can get through dinner, and feel no longing, no affection, and no want? I feel like I have completely moved on. But have I really? How am I supposed to know? I think dinner could tell me.

I'm driving my own car. This way, if things get bad, I can leave. I'm paying for my own dinner. I don't want to owe him anything. I'm scared. Terrified, actually. Wish me luck. I will be praying hard tonight.