I am...

10.26.09
This last week has brought about a plethora of discoveries. I have discovered many things I like about myself, and some things that I don't. But it's all just me, if I were to be happy with everything about myself; I would never grow or become a better person. A person completely content with themselves is disillusioned.

Things I like about myself:

I am a very passionate person. If I love somebody, I love them with every fiber of my being. I will do anything and everything for them, endlessly and tirelessly. If I dislike something though, I dislike it with everything I have.

I can see the good in a situation, where others often see the bad. This has gotten me through many rough times in life

I love music. Many kinds. For any given moment, I have a song that acts as the soundtrack for that particular point in my life. All of my favorite songs have stories of my life behind them.

I love spontaneity. And I have an adventurous spirit. See something on the side of the road that looks interesting to explore? I'll pull over and explore it.

I love to laugh. I can make myself laugh. But I love people who can make me laugh. Friends, comedians, silly youtube videos.

I am strong. I can handle a lot thrown at me. It may be hard, but I'll come out okay.

Things about me that I am not quite happy with:

I am a very passionate person. I know this was on the other list, but it's a love/hate relationship. This means, that when something crushes me, it REALLY crushes me. I am not easily hurt, but when I am it's bad.

I am shy. It may not seem that way to those who know me, but new situations make me nervous, even if I am excited for them.

I am scared a lot, and I worry. Sometimes I lay awake at night worrying. While this worry doesn't keep me from doing things, it does cause me stress and/or loss of sleep on occasion.
This is just a very short list of qualities about me that I have discovered/realized.

who am I?

10.19.09
I have been exploring who I am. The more I live on my own, and take care of myself, the more I discover about myself. Like I can fix things. I installed the shelving in my house, and change my air filter, and fixed the leaky faucet in my house. These are all things that would have waited on him, before.

I have also re-discovered my love of the outdoors. There is this hill in my city that is covered in giant rocks. I used to go there all the time when I was a teenager, all the way until I was married, actually. I would spend entire afternoons there; listening to music, writing in my journal, and watching the clouds go by. I would just enjoy being with myself. That was important; I used to like spending time with myself. There was no need to surround myself with people all the time. I'm working on that.

The other evening I climbed it again, for the first time in years. In my backpack I packed my headphones, journal, and a blanket. After parking across the street, I made the short but steep climb up the back side of the hill. I reached the part where I used to lay, and set my things down. It felt as if nothing had changed. The graffiti was the same, as was the sky. I settled in on my back, using my backpack as a pillow. For nearly two hours I just laid there, letting my mind wander. Clouds drifted by, I could hear the faint sounds of traffic below me. At some point I realized that my whole body had relaxed. I was more content up there than I had been in months. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was relaxed and peaceful. It was enough for me. A smile crept across my face. I was enjoying myself. I never pulled out my journal, or my iPod. My leg dangled over the edge of my chosen rock, and swung contentedly. As my mind drifted, I began to remember other things I used to love.

I remembered late night basketball, by myself, hiding every few hours from the park rangers who would kick me out. I remembered long walks to nowhere. I remembered drawing cartoons that nobody would find funny but me. I remembered writing silly essays in my pink composition notebook. I remembered laughing hysterically to myself while watching stupid movies alone in the dark. I remembered trekking through unknown forests and brush, just to see what was on the other side, or if there was another side. I remembered that I never wanted to stop doing these things.

I am learning about me, and I kind of like me.

dreading what I must eventually do

10.12.09
I am coming to enjoy living on my own. I can come and go as I please. I can stay up late, and still turn the light on when I go to bed. I can sleep in or get up early (not that I ever do that unless I have to work. ) I have taken to watching movies lately. I want to watch a good action movie, maybe the Bourne movies, but I have not been sleeping well so I am sticking to tame chick flicks. I’ve been in a bad mood today, though I am not sure why. I am working late shifts all week, except for Thursday when I have to be in at 7AM, and I am glad for that because I get much more sleep when I can sleep in the morning.

I will be glad to get my degree and be able to get into a career. I wish I had started that a lot sooner. I will be awarded my AA this winter, and I am excited to have that. The first in my family to get a college degree. I may be divorced, but I am still better off than others in my family. Not financially better than my sister, but she has such a screwed up story that I feel that the rest of my life is still better, even if I am alone.

I have been thinking about dating again. My divorce is not final until February, but I’d like to dip my feet in the water a bit before then. The only problem is who would I date? I don’t go anywhere to meet people. This concerns me. I do eventually want to remarry, but how will this ever happen? Where do people meet each other? So, I wait. I do not look forward to the dating scene, but on the other hand I would like to see…I’m not sure what I want to see. If I could be wanted again. If somebody might find me attractive. If somebody might enjoy my company. And eventually, if somebody would consider spending their life with me.

I feel like I have come out of this marriage so broken that I don’t know what are my real shortcomings, and which ones were invented by him, or used as a cover-up for his own shortcomings. So these reasons make me very nervous about getting serious with somebody. However, it seems that the only way to work through these is just to date again and when I get serious, hopefully they will be understanding and patient with me. And hopefully, all those problems were not me.

a realization

10.07.09
My journal entry today simply reads, "I am much stronger than I thought I was." This is a heavy statement. I have spent many nights, tearfully praying for the strength to make it through another day. This morning, I realized I have. I have endured the biggest heartbreak of my life. I have endured losing my home, and everybody on his side that has been my family for the past six and a half years. I have endured a couple of weeks of living on my own, and am doing okay.

Losing his family is probably the hardest thing next to losing him. I love his brothers, and his father. I have watched the younger ones turn from little boys into men. I have spent many hours joyfully spending time with them. I considered them not only my family, but also my friends. I have spent many days mourning the loss of his family.

Although I still have hard days and I still feel lonely, and although I do not miss him any longer, I do mourn the loss of the life I had built for myself the last seven years. However, some days are not so hard. I wouldn't consider them good, but not bad is a dramatic improvement.

thankful to not be this angry

10.02.09
I was made to realize yesterday that my life is not all that bad. I was driving back from Smart and Final, in the left turn lane, when the car in front of me was cut off by an SUV trying to get into the left turn lane. I’m not actually sure if he was cut off that badly, as the guy had his signal on and everything. The guy was angry, and leaned on his horn – even I might have honked at the SUV – and the car was rocking as he angrily gave the SUV the finger. I could hear him screaming from inside my own car. We were stopped at the light, the SUV in the other left turn lane, next to me, and the guy was in front of me. He gets out of his car, this short, heavyset guy, and begins screaming at the SUV. I was thinking, whoa – it’s not that big a deal. He’s yelling “Get out of the car you ----- ---- (insert expletive)” and shaking his fists and hopping around like mad. Once it was apparent the guy in the SUV wasn’t getting out (his wife was in the car) the man runs back to his car, and is still screaming and the car was shaking so hard, back and forth, up and down. He struggles to put his seat belt back on, and then holds his hands in his head, shaking violently. I was shocked. This guy just completely lost it because somebody cut in front of him. I wondered, what kind of bad day is he having? Either he’s had a really bad time of life right now, or he has some serious emotional problems. Either way, it’s really sad. It made me realize that nothing in my life could compare to the hard life that guy is having. Just made me appreciate what I do have.

I want what they have

10.01.09
I have a couple that I am friends with, whom I have known since their marriage, and the husband for nearly nine years. I want what they have, I want their kind of relationship. They are open about the fact that they are attracted to each other, and they outwardly love and care for each other. The other person comes first to them, before even their children. This is the kind of relationship I want.


As I begin to think about dating again, and eventually marrying, I am trying to figure out what a good marriage entails. I want somebody who adores me, and I adore him in return. It doesn't have to be an ooey gooey relationship, but a deep underlying feeling. I want somebody with similar goals. I need somebody with whom I can hold long conversations with. I need a man who makes me feel safe, protected. One who is willing to hold me when I cry, and laugh with me when I am happy. One who will support me in my endeavors, and push me when I need it. I need somebody who is willing to show me affection. I want somebody who is glad to come home to me. I want somebody who won't make fun of me for enjoying being outdoors in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, because I love the serene feeling. Most of all, I want somebody who loves me.


I remember early in our marriage we had a small fight where he called me childish. I took it seriously, although he apparently didn't mean anything by it. I removed anything that could be considered childish from our home, and boxed it up. this included the stuffed animals I had had since childhood, and kids movies...everything. This was a serious overreaction to this statement, but I was tired of being seen by him as a little girl. Once he had figured out what had happened, he met me from work with a teddy bear that read, "I love you." He told me that he loved me exactly as I was, and that nothing was meant by the comment. I told him I wanted to be respected, and if he couldn't do that with my "kid" stuff around, then I didn't want them. He re-stated with firmness, "I love you EXACTLY as you are."


I look back on that now and realize he had good intentions. He really did love me at some point, until he discovered that he wasn't the person he thought he was, and this new self didn't want a girl like me. In his frustrations and dissatisfaction with his own life, he tried to change me into who he wanted for himself. This has caused me to really wonder if the real me (goodness knows who that is anymore) is good enough. In my endeavors to keep my marriage alive, and to please the man I loved with all my heart, I lost myself. What have I become?

 The day I wrote this