10.19.09
I have been exploring who I am. The more I live on my own, and take care of myself, the more I discover about myself. Like I can fix things. I installed the shelving in my house, and change my air filter, and fixed the leaky faucet in my house. These are all things that would have waited on him, before.
I have also re-discovered my love of the outdoors. There is this hill in my city that is covered in giant rocks. I used to go there all the time when I was a teenager, all the way until I was married, actually. I would spend entire afternoons there; listening to music, writing in my journal, and watching the clouds go by. I would just enjoy being with myself. That was important; I used to like spending time with myself. There was no need to surround myself with people all the time. I'm working on that.
The other evening I climbed it again, for the first time in years. In my backpack I packed my headphones, journal, and a blanket. After parking across the street, I made the short but steep climb up the back side of the hill. I reached the part where I used to lay, and set my things down. It felt as if nothing had changed. The graffiti was the same, as was the sky. I settled in on my back, using my backpack as a pillow. For nearly two hours I just laid there, letting my mind wander. Clouds drifted by, I could hear the faint sounds of traffic below me. At some point I realized that my whole body had relaxed. I was more content up there than I had been in months. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was relaxed and peaceful. It was enough for me. A smile crept across my face. I was enjoying myself. I never pulled out my journal, or my iPod. My leg dangled over the edge of my chosen rock, and swung contentedly. As my mind drifted, I began to remember other things I used to love.
I remembered late night basketball, by myself, hiding every few hours from the park rangers who would kick me out. I remembered long walks to nowhere. I remembered drawing cartoons that nobody would find funny but me. I remembered writing silly essays in my pink composition notebook. I remembered laughing hysterically to myself while watching stupid movies alone in the dark. I remembered trekking through unknown forests and brush, just to see what was on the other side, or if there was another side. I remembered that I never wanted to stop doing these things.
I am learning about me, and I kind of like me.
I have been exploring who I am. The more I live on my own, and take care of myself, the more I discover about myself. Like I can fix things. I installed the shelving in my house, and change my air filter, and fixed the leaky faucet in my house. These are all things that would have waited on him, before.
I have also re-discovered my love of the outdoors. There is this hill in my city that is covered in giant rocks. I used to go there all the time when I was a teenager, all the way until I was married, actually. I would spend entire afternoons there; listening to music, writing in my journal, and watching the clouds go by. I would just enjoy being with myself. That was important; I used to like spending time with myself. There was no need to surround myself with people all the time. I'm working on that.
The other evening I climbed it again, for the first time in years. In my backpack I packed my headphones, journal, and a blanket. After parking across the street, I made the short but steep climb up the back side of the hill. I reached the part where I used to lay, and set my things down. It felt as if nothing had changed. The graffiti was the same, as was the sky. I settled in on my back, using my backpack as a pillow. For nearly two hours I just laid there, letting my mind wander. Clouds drifted by, I could hear the faint sounds of traffic below me. At some point I realized that my whole body had relaxed. I was more content up there than I had been in months. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was relaxed and peaceful. It was enough for me. A smile crept across my face. I was enjoying myself. I never pulled out my journal, or my iPod. My leg dangled over the edge of my chosen rock, and swung contentedly. As my mind drifted, I began to remember other things I used to love.
I remembered late night basketball, by myself, hiding every few hours from the park rangers who would kick me out. I remembered long walks to nowhere. I remembered drawing cartoons that nobody would find funny but me. I remembered writing silly essays in my pink composition notebook. I remembered laughing hysterically to myself while watching stupid movies alone in the dark. I remembered trekking through unknown forests and brush, just to see what was on the other side, or if there was another side. I remembered that I never wanted to stop doing these things.
I am learning about me, and I kind of like me.
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