10.01.09
I have a couple that I am friends with, whom I have known since their marriage, and the husband for nearly nine years. I want what they have, I want their kind of relationship. They are open about the fact that they are attracted to each other, and they outwardly love and care for each other. The other person comes first to them, before even their children. This is the kind of relationship I want.
As I begin to think about dating again, and eventually marrying, I am trying to figure out what a good marriage entails. I want somebody who adores me, and I adore him in return. It doesn't have to be an ooey gooey relationship, but a deep underlying feeling. I want somebody with similar goals. I need somebody with whom I can hold long conversations with. I need a man who makes me feel safe, protected. One who is willing to hold me when I cry, and laugh with me when I am happy. One who will support me in my endeavors, and push me when I need it. I need somebody who is willing to show me affection. I want somebody who is glad to come home to me. I want somebody who won't make fun of me for enjoying being outdoors in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, because I love the serene feeling. Most of all, I want somebody who loves me.
I remember early in our marriage we had a small fight where he called me childish. I took it seriously, although he apparently didn't mean anything by it. I removed anything that could be considered childish from our home, and boxed it up. this included the stuffed animals I had had since childhood, and kids movies...everything. This was a serious overreaction to this statement, but I was tired of being seen by him as a little girl. Once he had figured out what had happened, he met me from work with a teddy bear that read, "I love you." He told me that he loved me exactly as I was, and that nothing was meant by the comment. I told him I wanted to be respected, and if he couldn't do that with my "kid" stuff around, then I didn't want them. He re-stated with firmness, "I love you EXACTLY as you are."
I look back on that now and realize he had good intentions. He really did love me at some point, until he discovered that he wasn't the person he thought he was, and this new self didn't want a girl like me. In his frustrations and dissatisfaction with his own life, he tried to change me into who he wanted for himself. This has caused me to really wonder if the real me (goodness knows who that is anymore) is good enough. In my endeavors to keep my marriage alive, and to please the man I loved with all my heart, I lost myself. What have I become?
I have a couple that I am friends with, whom I have known since their marriage, and the husband for nearly nine years. I want what they have, I want their kind of relationship. They are open about the fact that they are attracted to each other, and they outwardly love and care for each other. The other person comes first to them, before even their children. This is the kind of relationship I want.
As I begin to think about dating again, and eventually marrying, I am trying to figure out what a good marriage entails. I want somebody who adores me, and I adore him in return. It doesn't have to be an ooey gooey relationship, but a deep underlying feeling. I want somebody with similar goals. I need somebody with whom I can hold long conversations with. I need a man who makes me feel safe, protected. One who is willing to hold me when I cry, and laugh with me when I am happy. One who will support me in my endeavors, and push me when I need it. I need somebody who is willing to show me affection. I want somebody who is glad to come home to me. I want somebody who won't make fun of me for enjoying being outdoors in the freezing cold in the middle of the night, because I love the serene feeling. Most of all, I want somebody who loves me.
I remember early in our marriage we had a small fight where he called me childish. I took it seriously, although he apparently didn't mean anything by it. I removed anything that could be considered childish from our home, and boxed it up. this included the stuffed animals I had had since childhood, and kids movies...everything. This was a serious overreaction to this statement, but I was tired of being seen by him as a little girl. Once he had figured out what had happened, he met me from work with a teddy bear that read, "I love you." He told me that he loved me exactly as I was, and that nothing was meant by the comment. I told him I wanted to be respected, and if he couldn't do that with my "kid" stuff around, then I didn't want them. He re-stated with firmness, "I love you EXACTLY as you are."
I look back on that now and realize he had good intentions. He really did love me at some point, until he discovered that he wasn't the person he thought he was, and this new self didn't want a girl like me. In his frustrations and dissatisfaction with his own life, he tried to change me into who he wanted for himself. This has caused me to really wonder if the real me (goodness knows who that is anymore) is good enough. In my endeavors to keep my marriage alive, and to please the man I loved with all my heart, I lost myself. What have I become?
The day I wrote this
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