no time to be lonley, and hugs

09.25.09
I have started my new job, and I really like it. I spend my free time either with friends, watching movies, or writing. Writing is so therapeutic for me.

Surprisingly, I do not feel as lonely as I expected. I am fully enjoying getting my apartment together the way I like it. I was given a bunch of candles from a friend, and it is calming to burn them each night as I go about my evening routines. I love never having pee on the toilet seat, or finding a sink full of dirty dishes I didn't know about. I love the order and organization of being the only one in my house.

I still hate sleeping alone, or not having somebody to tell about my day. or hearing about somebody's day. I still miss hugs. Hugs. This is a big one. My three-year-old nephew was at my house the other day, and before he left he gave me a big hug quite unexpectedly. Once he was out the door, I broke down on the floor in tears. It had been so long since I had been touched, let alone hugged. Every day, often several times a day I would just melt into his arms for a hug, I loved the safety and security and love I felt when wrapped in a hug. I miss hugs.

I have been hugged a few times from girlfriends, but it is just...not the same. They are weak, and contain little of what I love about hugs. First off, they are loose. I love good, tight hugs. I guess for me I enjoy hugging people bigger than me, I guess that's why I like hugging my guy friends, they carry that same sense of safety, something girl hugs are lacking. I am sad I no longer have the guy friends that I did when I was single. I could use the hugs.

seeing him after 5 days

09.24.09
It has been five days since I had to move out of the house. I am learning to enjoy having my little apartment all to myself, no drips on the toilet seat, or dirty dishes on the counter.

I needed to sign some divorce papers, and we needed to exchange car keys and I needed to hand over my house keys, and access to our bank account. And I needed to get my first spousal support payment. I was nervous about seeing him, since I have been glad, then sad, then lonely, then regretful over the end of our marriage.

He was outside when I pulled up. I handed him a stack of his photos, and his slipper that had accidentally made it to my apartment. I handed him the divorce papers that he had emailed me to print out (I took the printer) but they were the wrong ones. I do not like the idea of having to see him again to sign the documents. I am considering signing them and mailing them to him. I brought the vacuum so he could do one last sweep of the house. He swears he won't need to vacuum for another couple of months after that. I laughed, he looked annoyed.

We argued about a few things, he was annoyed that I took the shower head from the master bathroom. I told him that I would have either taken it, or bought a new one with his money, as we had been on joint finances until yesterday. I figured he would like to have the new one.

He was pretty cranky by the end, I felt bad for him all alone in that big house. But, he made this bed, he can lie in it. I tried for years to make our marriage better. It takes two, and apparently the effort was more than he was willing to give. I hugged him, he put one arm around me. I told him to take care of himself. No answer.

I tried not to cry as I drove away, although I really think this divorce is the best thing for me, although I did not want it to happen. I got home, switched to my motorcycle, and embarked out to my first day at my new job. Personal freedom, here I come. With a few tears in tow.

moving day

09.20.09
Yesterday I moved out. It wasn't as bad as I had expected, he was gone and that made things easier. I had a lot of help, a great turnout from my church came and the move was over and done in just over two hours. After lunch with friends, one friend stayed behind and helped me get the large furniture into place. I began to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, which is very unlike me. it was all just too much to handle, emotionally and physically. Another friend came over, and though it is very unlike her, she took charge. We went box by box and before I knew it nearly my entire house was unpacked. I began to feel a bit better.

I had to go back to the house for my food, and unfortunately he was there. he was in a very bad mood. As I left, he remarked, " Well, it looks like all my hard work has not gotten me much, except this house." And he saluted me, a gesture he uses when he is trying to be rude. in my opinion, his hard work has gotten him a lot, he just traded it all for his freedom to be whoever it is he wants to be.

Back at my new home I didn't realize how upset I was until a couple I am friends with called to ask if I wanted company that evening. They have two children I absolutely love, and I though it would be nice to spend the evening with them. I told them I very much did, and it was all I had to hold back the tears until I hung up. As soon as I pressed "end", I lost it. I couldn't sit still, so I am wandering the house, searching for the bag with my underwear, sobbing. I couldn't even see there were so many tears, and I am digging though bags.

I finally found the bag, and this calmed me for some reason. They knocked on my door, and I composed myself while my dryer got hooked up, and the gas to my stove got turned on.
I am so appreciative to all my friends, one never realizes just how great her friends are until a crisis comes about, and everybody pulls together to make things work.

Today I feel I can combat the loneliness. I have many friends to help me along the way. This will be okay.

moving soon

09.13.09
I am moving out next Saturday. I have mixed emotions over this event, though I know it is essential to my well being and eventual happiness. I am sorrowful at leaving my home, my dream that I had finally fulfilled. I have put much love, care, sweat and tears into this home, and leaving hurts deeply.

On the other hand, I am glad to be free from living under the thumb of him. I am glad to be able to budget just for me, to work for only my priorities. I am terrified of relying solely on myself, but I am confident I can make it work. I am glad to not have to schedule myself around him and his work schedule. I am glad to not always have the looming pressure of attempting intimacy, and suffering the pain of rejection. I am glad to be able to cook for myself, it was always disheartening when I would cook and he would refuse to eat it. I am glad to be able to decorate only for me, without his bland restrictions.

I am scared, though. Scared of the loneliness I am sure to feel. Scared for the loss of companionship. Scared to be alone. Scared to sleep alone night after night. As I write this I am crying for all the fear I feel. Scared I will never find anybody to love, who loves me. Scared of making the same mistakes again. Just scared.

packing and memories

09.01.09
I spend my days packing. I had no idea how much this would hurt. It seems like everything I pick up, there is a reminder of him underneath. Or woven in. I cleaned out my jewelry box and found the first letter he had ever written to me, The one where he told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and how I would make a great mother. It took me four days to gather the courage to sort out my memory chest. I have a rather large cedar chest that I keep mementos in. it was nearly half full of memories of him and I. Once gathered and piled, I didn't know what to do. This was probably not nice, but I dumped them all on his bed. Let him look at them and maybe he will hurt a fraction of what I did. I am not one for being mean and revenge, but that little gesture felt good.

As I sifted through the memories, I realized how many good ones I had that did not include him at all. I had strange birthday presents from friends, such as cans of clam juice. I had a giant pink eagle, complete with a necklace. I had passes from my weekends at NASCAR races, gymnastics medals, and summer camp photos. I realized how much life I had lived, and how much happiness I had experienced without him. A seed has been planted in my mind, that maybe there can be happy days without him. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure how long it will take, but it's a possibility. It's little realizations like that that keep me going on the darkest days.