09.01.09
I spend my days packing. I had no idea how much this would hurt. It seems like everything I pick up, there is a reminder of him underneath. Or woven in. I cleaned out my jewelry box and found the first letter he had ever written to me, The one where he told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and how I would make a great mother. It took me four days to gather the courage to sort out my memory chest. I have a rather large cedar chest that I keep mementos in. it was nearly half full of memories of him and I. Once gathered and piled, I didn't know what to do. This was probably not nice, but I dumped them all on his bed. Let him look at them and maybe he will hurt a fraction of what I did. I am not one for being mean and revenge, but that little gesture felt good.
As I sifted through the memories, I realized how many good ones I had that did not include him at all. I had strange birthday presents from friends, such as cans of clam juice. I had a giant pink eagle, complete with a necklace. I had passes from my weekends at NASCAR races, gymnastics medals, and summer camp photos. I realized how much life I had lived, and how much happiness I had experienced without him. A seed has been planted in my mind, that maybe there can be happy days without him. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure how long it will take, but it's a possibility. It's little realizations like that that keep me going on the darkest days.
I spend my days packing. I had no idea how much this would hurt. It seems like everything I pick up, there is a reminder of him underneath. Or woven in. I cleaned out my jewelry box and found the first letter he had ever written to me, The one where he told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and how I would make a great mother. It took me four days to gather the courage to sort out my memory chest. I have a rather large cedar chest that I keep mementos in. it was nearly half full of memories of him and I. Once gathered and piled, I didn't know what to do. This was probably not nice, but I dumped them all on his bed. Let him look at them and maybe he will hurt a fraction of what I did. I am not one for being mean and revenge, but that little gesture felt good.
As I sifted through the memories, I realized how many good ones I had that did not include him at all. I had strange birthday presents from friends, such as cans of clam juice. I had a giant pink eagle, complete with a necklace. I had passes from my weekends at NASCAR races, gymnastics medals, and summer camp photos. I realized how much life I had lived, and how much happiness I had experienced without him. A seed has been planted in my mind, that maybe there can be happy days without him. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure how long it will take, but it's a possibility. It's little realizations like that that keep me going on the darkest days.
No comments:
Post a Comment