09.13.09
I am moving out next Saturday. I have mixed emotions over this event, though I know it is essential to my well being and eventual happiness. I am sorrowful at leaving my home, my dream that I had finally fulfilled. I have put much love, care, sweat and tears into this home, and leaving hurts deeply.
On the other hand, I am glad to be free from living under the thumb of him. I am glad to be able to budget just for me, to work for only my priorities. I am terrified of relying solely on myself, but I am confident I can make it work. I am glad to not have to schedule myself around him and his work schedule. I am glad to not always have the looming pressure of attempting intimacy, and suffering the pain of rejection. I am glad to be able to cook for myself, it was always disheartening when I would cook and he would refuse to eat it. I am glad to be able to decorate only for me, without his bland restrictions.
I am scared, though. Scared of the loneliness I am sure to feel. Scared for the loss of companionship. Scared to be alone. Scared to sleep alone night after night. As I write this I am crying for all the fear I feel. Scared I will never find anybody to love, who loves me. Scared of making the same mistakes again. Just scared.
I am moving out next Saturday. I have mixed emotions over this event, though I know it is essential to my well being and eventual happiness. I am sorrowful at leaving my home, my dream that I had finally fulfilled. I have put much love, care, sweat and tears into this home, and leaving hurts deeply.
On the other hand, I am glad to be free from living under the thumb of him. I am glad to be able to budget just for me, to work for only my priorities. I am terrified of relying solely on myself, but I am confident I can make it work. I am glad to not have to schedule myself around him and his work schedule. I am glad to not always have the looming pressure of attempting intimacy, and suffering the pain of rejection. I am glad to be able to cook for myself, it was always disheartening when I would cook and he would refuse to eat it. I am glad to be able to decorate only for me, without his bland restrictions.
I am scared, though. Scared of the loneliness I am sure to feel. Scared for the loss of companionship. Scared to be alone. Scared to sleep alone night after night. As I write this I am crying for all the fear I feel. Scared I will never find anybody to love, who loves me. Scared of making the same mistakes again. Just scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment