I'm old

12.20.09
I've really come to see the rocks as my getaway place, as I did years ago, though I appreciate it differently - with more wisdom and reverence than I did when I was young. 

My view from the rocks

I feel rather old, though I know 27 is still considered young to most. I look back at my life and see just how much I have weathered and, using my past as a scale, just how much I will likely endure before the sands of time run out on my existence. I see why many old people are at peace with death. It's not that they want to die, nor do I by any means, but that they know that rest is warranted.


I feel old. My joints crack and pop. My experiences have been great enough to alter my perspective on life. I can truly appreciate a good friend or a kind gesture. In youth they are easy to come by, but as you grow older they grow fewer and further between as we each become involved in marriages, careers, children, and the daily life routine that many avoid deferring from because it, "throws everything off". I know for myself, that I am old, because I have learned important lessons.


I have learned to appreciate what you have now, because you can never be sure what will be tomorrow. Love deeply. Although it may bring you sorrow, you will never regret it. Take every opportunity to be young.


I recently had an opportunity where I felt young. I climbed the rocks to watch the sunset, and I had brought along my camera and tripod along. I had made it through a milestone of personal sorts, and am attempting to photograph myself on those days, so that when I have a particularly bad day I can look back and see how much I have already gotten through. 

I had set the timer and climbed on a rock, and the picture took. I am still not very good at working my new camera, and the self-timer always seems to take ten pictures. I jumped off the rock to view my picture, and the camera snapped nine more pictures, capturing my flight off the rock. I thought the picture looked cool. I decided to try it again. It felt good, free, to be climbing around like that, just playing.


It seems the older I get, the younger certain things make me feel. It's a good balance, I guess.

oh yea, it's Christmas

12.19.09
My brother and sister are coming to stay with me over Christmas. This is welcome, as this is going to be the single hardest time of the "first year" everybody talks about. My brother was supposed to be here today, but due to a major snow storm, he won't be in until Monday.


It's been really hard to get into Christmas this year. I didn't shop until the last minute, I'm not even finished. I had to force myself to decorate. I didn't want to because I knew it would hurt - it's something we used to do together every year. I finally did get decorations up, but I did it with tear filled eyes. I feel the full weight of being alone, despite great friends and family coming to stay. 

My finally decorated house

about my confidence, or lack thereof

12.14.09
I was having a phone conversation with Jacob the other day. He and I were discussing how a mutual friend might fare if her marriage were to end. I pointed out that I fared reasonably well, and I thought she would too. Then he says to me, "well, you have a lot more self-confidence than she does." Although I have no recollection of what I said after this comment, in my head I was thinking, "um...uh...well...um...who me? What? I have NO self-confidence..."

Later that evening however, I began to think. Many questions ran through my mind. DO I have any self-confidence? Do I lack any, but do a good job at acting like I do? Is that the same thing and I just don't know it? What makes him think I do in the first place, am I missing something?
I try to avoid self-pitying thoughts, but this one I can't shake. To be honest, I am pretty sure all my self-confidence was lost in the divorce. A casualty to be sure, it was shot and shattered and proceeded to be trodden on in the process. I was left with only a faint desire to find the pieces - it's a good thing I enjoy puzzles.

Analyzing myself further, I have days where I don’t really feel all that good about myself. I am 27 with no career, children, college degree, and I have no idea where my life is going. I am often shy and awkward in social situations. Having spent so many years being told what was wrong with me, I am still trying to sort out fact from fiction.

It's not a hopeless case, as I am able to be proud of myself for things - such as earning my AA this summer. I am learning to just set aside those things that I am not comfortable with and focus on one thing at a time. It would be impossible to try and fix everything at once, so one step at a time, let the rest slide. But that still doesn't amount to confidence.

I'd actually like to know what makes Jacob think I have confidence, except that he has known me for so many years, back when I actually did have some, maybe it is just not noticeable that I lost it. Yes, that's probably it. So, what was it that I used to be confident over? There is something to chew on.

I'm free!

12.06.09
This trip was so much more beneficial to me than I ever could have imagined. Although I so badly wanted to go, it was more of desperation, a need to break free from the survival routine I have learned to live. By the end of the first day I felt this aching, a longing to feel the freedom to just enjoy myself, to feel the love of life I once had. A crack opened in my barrier.


As it turns out, it was the stupidest thing that finally freed me. But it was great. We stopped at this redwood forest to take pictures of ourselves in front of these HUGE trees. We began to hike in a bit, which actually started this feeling because I love hiking, and trees. There was this small bridge, and I took my friends picture, and then handed my camera to her so she could take mine. She starts to take it, and then stops, with this disgusted look on her face. I turn to see jacob leaning over the railing, with a huge line of spit hanging from his mouth, just waiting to ruin the photo. I began to laugh, and then laughed harder as he tried again. The thing was, was that it was an actual laugh - the kind that comes from deep inside, not one of those empty laughs that you spit out because you just know something to be funny. It reminded me of the dumb things my brother would do that would make me laugh and laugh. Who knew that such a small thing would cause such a big reaction in me?


Things only went up from there as the trip got better and better. We hiked to this overlook where a waterfall meets the ocean. It was the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to stay all day. The happiness I felt the day before in the redwood forest rose in me, and I began to smile. I just rode along in the car, smiling to myself. When you finally feel this happy after such a long period of clouds, it doesn't fade easily. 

I had been told that if you watched the shoreline as we drove, you could often see elephant seals sleeping on the beach. I was pretty excited over that, and I really wanted to see one. Jacob saw a few but I missed them to my dismay. Finally, I spotted a few of them. I'm sure I woke my sleeping friend in the backseat when I exclaimed that I'd seen one. I couldn't believe how excited I felt. I think Jacob was about to make fun of me, but when I turned to him and said a bit more softly but with my excitement still bubbling out, "I did!" he just smiled back at me which made me feel good because when I'm that happy I just like to share it with somebody. 

I'm free now. Free from a husband who doesn't love or even like me. I'm free from an oppressive marriage, free from vain attempts at saving the unsavable. Free from restricting parents, and self-inflicted restraints. And now, it looks like I'm free from the perpetual sadness. Of course I will have bad days, but now I will have good ones, too.

a much needed vacation

12.03.09
I'm taking a trip. Two friends and I are going to drive up the coast of California over the next few days. It's a trip I've always wanted to do, I'm glad to be going. I feel pretty good these days, I'm surrounded by good friends, and I have a good job. I can spend time alone and be okay.

Something is off though. I should be excited. This concerns me. I'm not. I haven't even packed, and my friends are due to arrive to spend the night any minute. I worry that I have lost a lot of my passion for life in the process of this divorce. I've done a great job at being me, not trying to please anybody. There are some parts of me though, that I just can't seem to find. I am quite worried that it is irreparable, as my passion for life is one of my most treasured attributes. It seems the only strong feeling I can have is sadness, but I don't even do that very well.

Looking back, this detached melancholy was probably my defense - my only means of survival - in the beginning. I think it is unhealthy for it to stick around so long though, and I have no idea how to break free.

So I'm going to try. Make a conscious effort to be happy, really happy. More prayers tonight, that it will work.