about my confidence, or lack thereof

12.14.09
I was having a phone conversation with Jacob the other day. He and I were discussing how a mutual friend might fare if her marriage were to end. I pointed out that I fared reasonably well, and I thought she would too. Then he says to me, "well, you have a lot more self-confidence than she does." Although I have no recollection of what I said after this comment, in my head I was thinking, "um...uh...well...um...who me? What? I have NO self-confidence..."

Later that evening however, I began to think. Many questions ran through my mind. DO I have any self-confidence? Do I lack any, but do a good job at acting like I do? Is that the same thing and I just don't know it? What makes him think I do in the first place, am I missing something?
I try to avoid self-pitying thoughts, but this one I can't shake. To be honest, I am pretty sure all my self-confidence was lost in the divorce. A casualty to be sure, it was shot and shattered and proceeded to be trodden on in the process. I was left with only a faint desire to find the pieces - it's a good thing I enjoy puzzles.

Analyzing myself further, I have days where I don’t really feel all that good about myself. I am 27 with no career, children, college degree, and I have no idea where my life is going. I am often shy and awkward in social situations. Having spent so many years being told what was wrong with me, I am still trying to sort out fact from fiction.

It's not a hopeless case, as I am able to be proud of myself for things - such as earning my AA this summer. I am learning to just set aside those things that I am not comfortable with and focus on one thing at a time. It would be impossible to try and fix everything at once, so one step at a time, let the rest slide. But that still doesn't amount to confidence.

I'd actually like to know what makes Jacob think I have confidence, except that he has known me for so many years, back when I actually did have some, maybe it is just not noticeable that I lost it. Yes, that's probably it. So, what was it that I used to be confident over? There is something to chew on.