12.06.09
This trip was so much more beneficial to me than I ever could have imagined. Although I so badly wanted to go, it was more of desperation, a need to break free from the survival routine I have learned to live. By the end of the first day I felt this aching, a longing to feel the freedom to just enjoy myself, to feel the love of life I once had. A crack opened in my barrier.
As it turns out, it was the stupidest thing that finally freed me. But it was great. We stopped at this redwood forest to take pictures of ourselves in front of these HUGE trees. We began to hike in a bit, which actually started this feeling because I love hiking, and trees. There was this small bridge, and I took my friends picture, and then handed my camera to her so she could take mine. She starts to take it, and then stops, with this disgusted look on her face. I turn to see jacob leaning over the railing, with a huge line of spit hanging from his mouth, just waiting to ruin the photo. I began to laugh, and then laughed harder as he tried again. The thing was, was that it was an actual laugh - the kind that comes from deep inside, not one of those empty laughs that you spit out because you just know something to be funny. It reminded me of the dumb things my brother would do that would make me laugh and laugh. Who knew that such a small thing would cause such a big reaction in me?
Things only went up from there as the trip got better and better. We hiked to this overlook where a waterfall meets the ocean. It was the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to stay all day. The happiness I felt the day before in the redwood forest rose in me, and I began to smile. I just rode along in the car, smiling to myself. When you finally feel this happy after such a long period of clouds, it doesn't fade easily.
I had been told that if you watched the shoreline as we drove, you could often see elephant seals sleeping on the beach. I was pretty excited over that, and I really wanted to see one. Jacob saw a few but I missed them to my dismay. Finally, I spotted a few of them. I'm sure I woke my sleeping friend in the backseat when I exclaimed that I'd seen one. I couldn't believe how excited I felt. I think Jacob was about to make fun of me, but when I turned to him and said a bit more softly but with my excitement still bubbling out, "I did!" he just smiled back at me which made me feel good because when I'm that happy I just like to share it with somebody.
I'm free now. Free from a husband who doesn't love or even like me. I'm free from an oppressive marriage, free from vain attempts at saving the unsavable. Free from restricting parents, and self-inflicted restraints. And now, it looks like I'm free from the perpetual sadness. Of course I will have bad days, but now I will have good ones, too.
This trip was so much more beneficial to me than I ever could have imagined. Although I so badly wanted to go, it was more of desperation, a need to break free from the survival routine I have learned to live. By the end of the first day I felt this aching, a longing to feel the freedom to just enjoy myself, to feel the love of life I once had. A crack opened in my barrier.
As it turns out, it was the stupidest thing that finally freed me. But it was great. We stopped at this redwood forest to take pictures of ourselves in front of these HUGE trees. We began to hike in a bit, which actually started this feeling because I love hiking, and trees. There was this small bridge, and I took my friends picture, and then handed my camera to her so she could take mine. She starts to take it, and then stops, with this disgusted look on her face. I turn to see jacob leaning over the railing, with a huge line of spit hanging from his mouth, just waiting to ruin the photo. I began to laugh, and then laughed harder as he tried again. The thing was, was that it was an actual laugh - the kind that comes from deep inside, not one of those empty laughs that you spit out because you just know something to be funny. It reminded me of the dumb things my brother would do that would make me laugh and laugh. Who knew that such a small thing would cause such a big reaction in me?
Things only went up from there as the trip got better and better. We hiked to this overlook where a waterfall meets the ocean. It was the single most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life. I wanted to stay all day. The happiness I felt the day before in the redwood forest rose in me, and I began to smile. I just rode along in the car, smiling to myself. When you finally feel this happy after such a long period of clouds, it doesn't fade easily.
I had been told that if you watched the shoreline as we drove, you could often see elephant seals sleeping on the beach. I was pretty excited over that, and I really wanted to see one. Jacob saw a few but I missed them to my dismay. Finally, I spotted a few of them. I'm sure I woke my sleeping friend in the backseat when I exclaimed that I'd seen one. I couldn't believe how excited I felt. I think Jacob was about to make fun of me, but when I turned to him and said a bit more softly but with my excitement still bubbling out, "I did!" he just smiled back at me which made me feel good because when I'm that happy I just like to share it with somebody.
I'm free now. Free from a husband who doesn't love or even like me. I'm free from an oppressive marriage, free from vain attempts at saving the unsavable. Free from restricting parents, and self-inflicted restraints. And now, it looks like I'm free from the perpetual sadness. Of course I will have bad days, but now I will have good ones, too.
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