Surviving Valentines Day

I had no idea that Valentines day was going to affect me this much. The sad feelings began around Monday, and wove themselves through nearly everything I did. By the time Friday came around I was so exhausted and beat-down from it all, I could barely convince myself to go to work. It was a rough day. I realized how much the weight showed in my physical appearance. On the way to the car I did this self check thing I do, where I take account of my emotional wellness, and also take note of my physical wellness. It's one of those things I do regularly, daily, to make sure all is right, and I am not letting my bi-polar get the best of me. I realized my shoulders were slumped, I was dragging my feet, and my head hung. I could feel the weight in my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in years. I wondered if I had gone all day like this, and realized that I probably had. I decided that this was unacceptable, and straightened myself right there in the now empty parking lot. Regardless if I wanted to, I was going to walk standing straight, and I was going to look around me as if I was interested. I've learned that little things like that can bring up a person, even if they have to fake it for a while.

I don't know why I felt like this. It's not like I wanted to spend v-day with him. I didn't at all. I'm not longing for a boyfriend, in fact I don't WANT a boyfriend. So...with those two things out of the way, what is my problem?

I've spent the last half hour trying to figure this out. I think I've got it. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I want to be loved. It would be nice to be held, to have that companionship. To have somebody to smile back at me when I smile at them. I miss...loving somebody.

Valentines day was one holiday that he and I did well. For the past few years we would make reservations at this particular hotel, and get all dressed up and go to dinner, and just spend time relaxing in the hotel and just being with each other. Those trips I always felt love. Valentines day was the day he told me he wanted to stay together the first time, and that he wouldn't change his mind, and that he was going to do everything he could to love me and treat me well. I miss those trips, I miss that feeling of being loved, I felt it so rarely.

Saturday night when I got off work I went out with coworkers/friends and the topic somehow turned to marriage. Being the only one who has been married for any length of time, they all looked to me to describe it and explain to them what it was like. I pulled out the positives, and realized there was a lot. A lot more than the negatives, if you don't count his attitude - which wold not be present in another marriage. I'm not sur eif it helped, or hurt, remembering all the good times.

Valentines day was really, really rough. I worked the morning into the early evening. My energy level was at zero. People kept wishing me a happy valentines day and I had to bite my tongue and say nice things back.  I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just wanted to sleep it all away. This is a warning sign. I gauged myself carefully, and made myself go to dinner as planned with a friend. We did, and I went home, knowing that company would be good, but I needed to work through my feelings on my own. My nephew brought me a flower, and that was the last straw. It was all I had to hold back the tears until he and my friend left. I crawled into my hammock and cried and cried. I bawled out all the frustrations and sadness and loneliness and anger and sorrow that had built over the last week.

 My nephew with my flower

At some point, crying does you no good anymore, and you need to stop. I tried. No such luck. I cried for another 20 minutes, and then I was saved by a phone call from Jacob. Oddly enough, he is good at calling me when I am crying. Jacob has saved me on several occasions from crying the night away. Thankfully, when I answer the phone when crying, I sound like I was sleeping and can play it off pretty well, and talking to somebody that I don't want to know I was crying (which, is actually anybody - I don't admit to crying to my friends) is a good and quick way to sober up.

The stressful day left me exhausted, but even once I was off the phone my mind wouldn't completely shut down. Thankfully I had talked long enough that it was quite late and eventually that exhaustion kicked it. Sleep is wonderful. Valentines day is not.