most of all, I have learned...

The biggest thing I have learned from my divorce is that I will ALWAYS have more to learn. In the midst of my divorce I learned things about myself, and about others. I have learned about appreciation, and how to truly be grateful for those in my life. I’ve learned things I thought I already knew. I learned I didn’t know things I thought I did.

Divorce has benchmarked many challenges to come in my life. I can now look at experiences and think, “Hell, if I can get through a divorce, I can make it through nearly anything.” And it’s true. Life does go on, things do get better, but it didn’t always feel that way. I didn’t think life would ever be normal again. I didn’t think I could ever feel anything but sadness, sorrow, hopelessness and despair. I had to get used to telling people that I was divorced.

Now that the divorce is final I realize just how the term “divorce” marks me. For a couple of months I had a tan line on my finger where my rings used to be. When people asked, and I told them that I was divorced, they would look at me with those eyes of pity. “Poor thing,” people would say. “But you are so young and pretty, you will find a new guy in no time!” Like that could make it all better. I hated the looks of pity the most. I wanted to tell them, “Hey! I’m dealing with this the best way I can and I think it’s pretty good, so don’t feel sorry for me. Be happy for me, or proud of me, or laugh with me or cry with me but don’t feel sorry for me. That’s useless.”

I’ve learned that being divorced enters you into a sort of quiet club. There is an immediate bond shared by people who have been through a divorce. We can look at another person going through a divorce and instantly tell what stage of recovery they are in. You can feel their pain. They know yours. They understand that divorce is something you survive. You want to hold the new ones by the shoulders and quietly tell them that it will get better. Life will be happy again. YOU will be happy again. But you don’t because you know it will make no difference. They can’t understand it at that stage. They have to learn it on their own. They will be stronger for it.

Even though I have learned more of life’s lessons in six months than I have in my entire life, I know there is more to come personally, emotionally. I’ve learned more about life than any legit school could have taught me, going through a divorce is like enrolling in a crash course on emotional survival from the school of hard knocks. It’s just that there is no instructor, no textbook and no rules. For sure, no rules.