08.18.09
As I look back on my marriage, the question keeps popping up, "what happened?" Yes, he left me. He said it was because he felt like he couldn't be himself with me, that he wanted to be free to life the life he missed while married to me. He wanted to party, and be with other women. He wanted his freedom.
Everybody is quick to blame this all on him, but that is not the case. It takes two to make a good marriage, and two to bring it down. In the summer of 2007 he announced he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He wanted to go to counseling, to try and make our marriage better. He had a list of things that were wrong. This list included our communication, the quality of time we spent together, and various things about me that bothered him. We attended counseling regularly for three months. I diligently did everything I was told I needed to do, and he did some of what he was told. It wasn't long though, before I was the only one left trying. I tried harder, reminding him of the things we were working on, and putting extra effort to make up for his slack. He refused to go back to counseling. Shortly afterward he announced that he didn't want a divorce, he was happy to stay together.
We bought a house, knowing that tripping over each other in our tiny apartment caused much trouble in our relationship. The big house gave us our space, but for me it was too much. he rarely spent time with me once there were multiple rooms for him to hide in. He sometimes even slept in his office, claiming that the bed gave him backaches. As his situation at work (he had an awful boss) got worse, our home life did too. He often would snap at me for no reason, or tell me he didn't like me. All he ever wanted was to be left alone.
Then, he got a new boss. And our home life got better. We resumed our regular date night, we were laughing together and planning things for the future. We were making improvements on our house, and enjoying each others company. Even our intimate life got considerably better.
Something happened to both of us while I was gone in Colorado. I spent many days updating my journal, chronicling events that I had not been keeping up on. While remembering these days, and writing about our ups and downs and sorrows and triumphs I realized that we would never have a truly happy relationship. I realized that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. I even expressed this sadness to my brother. I realized that this was not the marriage I wanted for myself. I made no plans to leave, as I wanted to see how much better our relationship could get. I am not a believer in divorce. I am not quick to make such large decisions. I loved him with all of me, and my love is not easily broken. I was willing to put in more than 100%, but was he? I hoped my trip would spark some good discussions, and we could work on making things better. The seed had been planted. I sat on the airplane towards home planning a nice, calm evening with the man I loved.
Meanwhile, he was sitting at home, realizing how happy he was with me gone. He found he dreaded every phone call, every email. He didn't want to hear from me. he didn't even want me to come home. he didn't want me at all, and more than that he found he didn't love me, and wished he never had to deal with me again. So he made plans for a divorce. he wrote up a tentative contract, and placed it into a manila envelope. He set it on the floor of the backseat and left for the airport.
As I look back on my marriage, the question keeps popping up, "what happened?" Yes, he left me. He said it was because he felt like he couldn't be himself with me, that he wanted to be free to life the life he missed while married to me. He wanted to party, and be with other women. He wanted his freedom.
Everybody is quick to blame this all on him, but that is not the case. It takes two to make a good marriage, and two to bring it down. In the summer of 2007 he announced he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He wanted to go to counseling, to try and make our marriage better. He had a list of things that were wrong. This list included our communication, the quality of time we spent together, and various things about me that bothered him. We attended counseling regularly for three months. I diligently did everything I was told I needed to do, and he did some of what he was told. It wasn't long though, before I was the only one left trying. I tried harder, reminding him of the things we were working on, and putting extra effort to make up for his slack. He refused to go back to counseling. Shortly afterward he announced that he didn't want a divorce, he was happy to stay together.
We bought a house, knowing that tripping over each other in our tiny apartment caused much trouble in our relationship. The big house gave us our space, but for me it was too much. he rarely spent time with me once there were multiple rooms for him to hide in. He sometimes even slept in his office, claiming that the bed gave him backaches. As his situation at work (he had an awful boss) got worse, our home life did too. He often would snap at me for no reason, or tell me he didn't like me. All he ever wanted was to be left alone.
Then, he got a new boss. And our home life got better. We resumed our regular date night, we were laughing together and planning things for the future. We were making improvements on our house, and enjoying each others company. Even our intimate life got considerably better.
Something happened to both of us while I was gone in Colorado. I spent many days updating my journal, chronicling events that I had not been keeping up on. While remembering these days, and writing about our ups and downs and sorrows and triumphs I realized that we would never have a truly happy relationship. I realized that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. I even expressed this sadness to my brother. I realized that this was not the marriage I wanted for myself. I made no plans to leave, as I wanted to see how much better our relationship could get. I am not a believer in divorce. I am not quick to make such large decisions. I loved him with all of me, and my love is not easily broken. I was willing to put in more than 100%, but was he? I hoped my trip would spark some good discussions, and we could work on making things better. The seed had been planted. I sat on the airplane towards home planning a nice, calm evening with the man I loved.
Meanwhile, he was sitting at home, realizing how happy he was with me gone. He found he dreaded every phone call, every email. He didn't want to hear from me. he didn't even want me to come home. he didn't want me at all, and more than that he found he didn't love me, and wished he never had to deal with me again. So he made plans for a divorce. he wrote up a tentative contract, and placed it into a manila envelope. He set it on the floor of the backseat and left for the airport.
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