08.24.09
I have thought continually about the word "fault". I don't like to blame others for anything that happens in my life. It took two days before I could bring myself to write this. But I think it is an important part of my marriage, what we did wrong. It allows me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. It allows me to decide what went wrong and how I can learn from it and avoid it in the future.
That being said, it wasn't all my fault. He had his weaknesses as well. From the very beginning of our marriage, I would approach him with a concern and try to work with him on a solution. the problem was, his answer would always be, "I don't know how to fix it, so I guess there is nothing we can do." And not another word would be hard from him. I began to get very frustrated, very quickly. I had never known a person who outright refused to work out a problem. He would even acknowledge it as a problem, then clam up. Shrug his shoulders, and say "oh well."
Because of this our relationship was never able to grow as we did. If one of our values or needs changed, it got the shrug and was pushed into the ignore pile. I would plead, cry, prod and beg to no avail. I would try to solve the problems on my own, with the false idea that if I gave enough, it would make up for his lack of giving. I changed myself for him. He didn't ask for it, he didn't even want it. But it was the only response I could figure that gave us any chance of surviving.
I believe this is one of the main reasons our marriage was so unhappy. He felt he couldn't be who he was, because he had changed. Because he had changed, that meant our marriage had to change, and he wasn't willing to put in the effort to let it change. As I changed, as I became in control of myself and happy and stable, our marriage couldn't change with that either. We were stuck in the same marriage we had been in when were 20 years old, but we were now full-blown adults.
He couldn't accept that I had changed, he refused to admit it until now, after the marriage was over. He still hasn't accepted that he has changed, because that means a lifestyle change for him. And I wonder, was all this really easier?
I have thought continually about the word "fault". I don't like to blame others for anything that happens in my life. It took two days before I could bring myself to write this. But I think it is an important part of my marriage, what we did wrong. It allows me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. It allows me to decide what went wrong and how I can learn from it and avoid it in the future.
That being said, it wasn't all my fault. He had his weaknesses as well. From the very beginning of our marriage, I would approach him with a concern and try to work with him on a solution. the problem was, his answer would always be, "I don't know how to fix it, so I guess there is nothing we can do." And not another word would be hard from him. I began to get very frustrated, very quickly. I had never known a person who outright refused to work out a problem. He would even acknowledge it as a problem, then clam up. Shrug his shoulders, and say "oh well."
Because of this our relationship was never able to grow as we did. If one of our values or needs changed, it got the shrug and was pushed into the ignore pile. I would plead, cry, prod and beg to no avail. I would try to solve the problems on my own, with the false idea that if I gave enough, it would make up for his lack of giving. I changed myself for him. He didn't ask for it, he didn't even want it. But it was the only response I could figure that gave us any chance of surviving.
I believe this is one of the main reasons our marriage was so unhappy. He felt he couldn't be who he was, because he had changed. Because he had changed, that meant our marriage had to change, and he wasn't willing to put in the effort to let it change. As I changed, as I became in control of myself and happy and stable, our marriage couldn't change with that either. We were stuck in the same marriage we had been in when were 20 years old, but we were now full-blown adults.
He couldn't accept that I had changed, he refused to admit it until now, after the marriage was over. He still hasn't accepted that he has changed, because that means a lifestyle change for him. And I wonder, was all this really easier?
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