08.09.09
Today I left Dad’s house early and went home, although I wasn’t sure if it was still my home. I managed to stay dry-eyed until I walked into the house and was greeted with my favorite wedding photo. I burst into tears, and cried laying on the floor right where I had been standing. I finally gathered myself together, and went through the house taking down every photo of Him and I. Once upstairs, I fell to the floor once again, crying. There were so many questions and I had no answers to any of them. I didn't know what to do. How will I make it on my own? I have no job; I am a full time student. Where will I live? I can't keep the house. How will I survive being alone? The biggest thought screaming through my head was, "I CAN'T DO THIS." I wished I was dead. The night wore on relentlessly, the darkness and silence filling a very huge hole in my heart. I had no idea, but I had a very long road ahead of me.
Fear and sorrow filled my entire being. My head spun, and no thought was finished. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour, but no straight lines could be found. I knew I had to get myself together, but every time I pulled myself up off the floor, I fell right back to it, tears falling from my face. It was several hours later that my tears ran dry; I had nothing left to cry. I climbed into my bed, using the last of my energy. After fumbling for a pen and paper, I began to make a list of what I needed to do. At the top of my list: QUIT CRYING. I hate crying. It makes my nose run, and my head hurt. I was nearly sure that I had cried more in the last two days than I had in my entire life. Knowing that this first goal may be unreasonable, I continued. I added “find a new place to live” and “Get a job.” I had stopped working when my last place of employment went out of business, and was focusing on rushing through to get my degree. I also added, “Learn how to be alone” and “never stop looking forward.”
Today I left Dad’s house early and went home, although I wasn’t sure if it was still my home. I managed to stay dry-eyed until I walked into the house and was greeted with my favorite wedding photo. I burst into tears, and cried laying on the floor right where I had been standing. I finally gathered myself together, and went through the house taking down every photo of Him and I. Once upstairs, I fell to the floor once again, crying. There were so many questions and I had no answers to any of them. I didn't know what to do. How will I make it on my own? I have no job; I am a full time student. Where will I live? I can't keep the house. How will I survive being alone? The biggest thought screaming through my head was, "I CAN'T DO THIS." I wished I was dead. The night wore on relentlessly, the darkness and silence filling a very huge hole in my heart. I had no idea, but I had a very long road ahead of me.
Fear and sorrow filled my entire being. My head spun, and no thought was finished. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour, but no straight lines could be found. I knew I had to get myself together, but every time I pulled myself up off the floor, I fell right back to it, tears falling from my face. It was several hours later that my tears ran dry; I had nothing left to cry. I climbed into my bed, using the last of my energy. After fumbling for a pen and paper, I began to make a list of what I needed to do. At the top of my list: QUIT CRYING. I hate crying. It makes my nose run, and my head hurt. I was nearly sure that I had cried more in the last two days than I had in my entire life. Knowing that this first goal may be unreasonable, I continued. I added “find a new place to live” and “Get a job.” I had stopped working when my last place of employment went out of business, and was focusing on rushing through to get my degree. I also added, “Learn how to be alone” and “never stop looking forward.”
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