08.13.09
I keep the to do list in my pocket at all times. I’ve added to it since Sunday. Underneath the old list, it now reads, “learn to lean on your friends the way you’ve let them lean on you.” And “let them help.” I have a problem with letting others help me. I’ve always been the strong one, the one with the sensible advice. The one they all went to when they had problems, or when life collapsed around them. Now life is collapsing around me and who can I lean on? I need them all.
I had originally planned to live with a friend of mind, a lady whom I originally met when she hired me to clean her house. She has a spare room, and I can clean in exchange for rent. There were several problems here. First, I could not bring my cats. They are all I have left. I break down in tears when I think of leaving them. Granted, I break down in tears over everything, but they do mean a lot to me. Second, she drinks a lot, and misery loves company and I do not think this would be a good place for me to grow and heal emotionally.
I contacted the grandmother of my friends, from whom we had rented an apartment from before we’d bought our house. My old house was still available…and they’d renovate it for me if I wanted it. After hours of crunching numbers and seeing if I could manage to afford it, I decided I could. Barely, but I could. Slowly, a fog began to lift. Not much, but enough to kick myself into gear, and begin looking to the future.
Now I keep thinking what it will be like living on my own. I’m scared. Not for safety, but for me in general. How will I handle coming home every day to…nobody? Or crawling into bed every night…alone? What happens when my car breaks? Or the TV won’t work? I’ve always had somebody to share responsibilities with, and now it will be just me. The pressure is mounting.
I keep the to do list in my pocket at all times. I’ve added to it since Sunday. Underneath the old list, it now reads, “learn to lean on your friends the way you’ve let them lean on you.” And “let them help.” I have a problem with letting others help me. I’ve always been the strong one, the one with the sensible advice. The one they all went to when they had problems, or when life collapsed around them. Now life is collapsing around me and who can I lean on? I need them all.
I had originally planned to live with a friend of mind, a lady whom I originally met when she hired me to clean her house. She has a spare room, and I can clean in exchange for rent. There were several problems here. First, I could not bring my cats. They are all I have left. I break down in tears when I think of leaving them. Granted, I break down in tears over everything, but they do mean a lot to me. Second, she drinks a lot, and misery loves company and I do not think this would be a good place for me to grow and heal emotionally.
I contacted the grandmother of my friends, from whom we had rented an apartment from before we’d bought our house. My old house was still available…and they’d renovate it for me if I wanted it. After hours of crunching numbers and seeing if I could manage to afford it, I decided I could. Barely, but I could. Slowly, a fog began to lift. Not much, but enough to kick myself into gear, and begin looking to the future.
Now I keep thinking what it will be like living on my own. I’m scared. Not for safety, but for me in general. How will I handle coming home every day to…nobody? Or crawling into bed every night…alone? What happens when my car breaks? Or the TV won’t work? I’ve always had somebody to share responsibilities with, and now it will be just me. The pressure is mounting.
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