most of all, I have learned...

The biggest thing I have learned from my divorce is that I will ALWAYS have more to learn. In the midst of my divorce I learned things about myself, and about others. I have learned about appreciation, and how to truly be grateful for those in my life. I’ve learned things I thought I already knew. I learned I didn’t know things I thought I did.

Divorce has benchmarked many challenges to come in my life. I can now look at experiences and think, “Hell, if I can get through a divorce, I can make it through nearly anything.” And it’s true. Life does go on, things do get better, but it didn’t always feel that way. I didn’t think life would ever be normal again. I didn’t think I could ever feel anything but sadness, sorrow, hopelessness and despair. I had to get used to telling people that I was divorced.

Now that the divorce is final I realize just how the term “divorce” marks me. For a couple of months I had a tan line on my finger where my rings used to be. When people asked, and I told them that I was divorced, they would look at me with those eyes of pity. “Poor thing,” people would say. “But you are so young and pretty, you will find a new guy in no time!” Like that could make it all better. I hated the looks of pity the most. I wanted to tell them, “Hey! I’m dealing with this the best way I can and I think it’s pretty good, so don’t feel sorry for me. Be happy for me, or proud of me, or laugh with me or cry with me but don’t feel sorry for me. That’s useless.”

I’ve learned that being divorced enters you into a sort of quiet club. There is an immediate bond shared by people who have been through a divorce. We can look at another person going through a divorce and instantly tell what stage of recovery they are in. You can feel their pain. They know yours. They understand that divorce is something you survive. You want to hold the new ones by the shoulders and quietly tell them that it will get better. Life will be happy again. YOU will be happy again. But you don’t because you know it will make no difference. They can’t understand it at that stage. They have to learn it on their own. They will be stronger for it.

Even though I have learned more of life’s lessons in six months than I have in my entire life, I know there is more to come personally, emotionally. I’ve learned more about life than any legit school could have taught me, going through a divorce is like enrolling in a crash course on emotional survival from the school of hard knocks. It’s just that there is no instructor, no textbook and no rules. For sure, no rules.

And the results are...

It's been a really busy week for me, but I thought I would put up an update before I head to work tonight. First the news you are waiting for ( know you are, my email inbox has never been so full): My date with the fireman. It was pretty good, well, really good actually. I'm not going to list a lot of details here out of respect for him, but I had a really good time. I was nervous, but he put me at ease really quickly. I discovered that the things I was worried I'd lost, or worse, never had, came back easily. Having not really dated in nearly eleven years, this is truly a whole new world for me. Being older, more mature, and realizing that anybody I date is pretty much a potential mate is a lot of pressure. As a teenager, dating is for fun, you don't care where it goes, and because you are experiencing the deepest feelings of your life, you are constantly "in love" with various guys. Now it's...too easy to find you don't like the guy and don't want to be there.

All the while, you have to be able to back-burner that knowledge because if  you don't dating would be this horrible uptight experience and none of us would ever make it past the first date. And I did that much more easily than I expected and found that I rather liked him. Please don't email me asking if this is "the one," It is ridiculously too early to tell, but for now I will have fun seeing him. I had been a little worried that he wouldn't call, but he did this afternoon after I got out of class and we set up another date.

The last week has been really stressful, starting with Saturday and it really has not stopped yet. Tuesday it felt like the world was caving in on top of me, Wednesday was good but I was out really late, about 2AM, and I had to be at work at five AM thursday. I had to go straight from there to my ex husbands house, which I was stressed over but en the end I came out feeling okay. From there to school and back home. A quick chat on the phone with Jacob, a visit with a friend and some dinner and off to bed. Shower, dress, repeat. I don't get off work until 10:30 tonight but I plan to come home and relax in my hammock, it's my favorite thing to do right now.

Even with being so busy, and the added stress of drama, life is still good. It's the life I've chosen. I've chosen to take on extra responsibilities. I've chosen to take 18 units at school. I've chosen to be there for my friends. I wouldn't have it any other way. I get my rewards.

I have learned...

3. How to forgive. I am actually still working on this one, but I have learned a lot. It was surprisingly easy to forgive him for leaving me. I didn't agree, I didn't want it and I was heartbroken, but I understood. I understood that he felt he was doing the right thing for himself, and I understood the fact that he just didn't love me anymore. I have a lot of respect for the people that can make that hard decision (though sometimes I think it was easy for him) that they know will be better for them. I forgave him. I had forgiven him before two weeks were up. I hated the situation, but I didn not hold hard feelings for him for it.

This recent time around, where he tells me all about his girlfriend, and how he will have children and a puppy and shaved his mustache...that was much much harder. The hurt and anger and anguish and bitterness ran deep, and wove around the fibers of my soul. Trying to untangle all that enough to rid myself of those feelings is really really difficult. I have managed to extract the largest of those fibers, reminding myself that those things were not the reason we broke up. Had he wanted those things within our marriage, it may have made it just that much harder to walk away. I have to remind myself that he does not mean to hurt me still. I have to remind myself that someday, I too will be so happy in a relationship that none of this will matter. I have to remind myself to have self confidence, and when that fog of unhappiness rolls in, to duck and not get caught up in it.

So most of the time I do not feel anger toward him anymore, I still understand why he felt he had to do what he did. I am still hurt, I still bleed salty tears every time one of those fibers is pulled from within me. But I forgive him. I forgive him for all that was done within our marriage. I forgive him for all the tears that were caused, the heartache and frustration and the anger that we each felt throughout our marriage. I forgive him for making me feel all the things I feel. I have realized that forgiveness doesn't mean that I don't hurt anymore, or that I won't wake up crying from time to time. It doesn't have to mean that I don't feel anger every now and again. It doesn't mean that I have to blame myself every time I am sad. It just means that I understand why. And I don't hold it against him in the long run of things. And I don't.

It's tonight...

My date with the fireman is tonight. I'm...nervous. I've gone through pretty much everything I own to wear, then decided that it wasn't worth the stress (it really hurts to get dressed and undressed a dozen times) and ended up choosing my favorite outfit since he probably won't notice anyhow.

School started last week, and I am crazy busy with homework for five classes. I should be reading the entire epic of Gilgamesh right now, but I'm taking a break. I have a 300 word essay due at eight o'clock tomorrow morning on the book and procrastination isn't my thing but I did...so hopefully I can read quickly enough and rattle off a quick essay before I have to leave. 

I've realized how much less stress I have since not being married. Even the stresses of him in particular aside, I just don't care how much I am gone or home, it doesn't matter if I keep crazy hours or if I am cleaning the house at three in the morning, or talking on the phone in bed before going to sleep. I love that freedom. I'm rarely ever home anymore, today I actually had to schedule time to stay at home and do schoolwork. I have been doing most of it at work or from the road.i will be looking forward to my trip to Las Vegas next month, and the opportunity to sleep as much as I want.

At about two o'clock in the morning, as I was writing these entries, my meds really kicked in and I became incredibly sleepy. So today I will add more to my list of things I have learned.

an amazing amount of knowledge gained

First an update: It has been a really really hard couple of days. I have been in a whole lot of pain, which has made functioning difficult, though not impossible. Hooray for strong pain killers. I am enjoying soaking in the hot tub at the gym, that is relieving so much of the pain I am not sure where I would be without that. Monday was...difficult. I had an appointment at the doctors, which I was not thrilled with. thrilled that I was not forced to have a plaster cast on my arm, but did not agree with all the diagnoses about my injuries. I really wanted to see my own doctors and began making some phone calls to find out if my insurance was still good. Turns out that since that day was the day the divorce was final, I was no longer eligible to use my insurance, whether or not my ex had filed the paperwork to stop my insurance. THAT is when the weight of everything set in. My life will no longer be the same, I realized. My safety nets are coming down and I have to stand on my own feet. I'm scared. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I was, I wonder how much weight my shoulders can bear before breaking.

There is one thing that happened that ordinarily would have upset me but didn't. After I had called his work to inquire about my insurance, they called my ex to tell him I was being nosy. Pretty good service they have there, though I didn't mind. He called me later that evening to see if I was okay. the conversation was short, but it strangely made me feel better that he was concerned. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, he offered to help if there was anything I needed. I can't think of anything he could do, though there is much help I need it just can't really come from him. But it felt good that he cared.

On to the point of this entry. I spent Sunday occupying my breaks and extreme amounts of down time at work by listing everything I have gained or learned since August 8, 2009. I am amazed at how much there is. The first lesson learned will be listed in this entry, and then I am back dating separate entries to yesterday so that they will fall under this one, to avoid having a ridiculously long entry.These are in no particular order, unless you can find meaning in what came to my head first.

1. That I really, truly love life. Once I had something taken from me I realized just how fragile life is, and it gave me a whole new appreciation and viewpoint on life. I find myself cherishing individual moments more and more. I take time out to do those things that make me feel small yet calm and whole and just glad to be alive.

I've spent several recent nights in my hammock, just rocking and watching the stars move across the night sky as the hours pass. It's amazing how many shooting stars you can see from the city. Americans as a whole tend to schedule their lives so fully that they believe they have no time for such things. I used to be one of them. Now I schedule time to have these serene experiences. I have a photo frame next to my bed that reads, "We do not remember days, we remember moments." it is so true. I can remember feeling the wind in my hair, laying on a rock watching the meteor shower light up the sky. I remember rolling over and seeing the friend next to me, and realizing that there is nowhere else in this world I would rather be. I remember one night in my hammock examining the little dipper and smiling, for no reason other than that I was happy. I remember watching California pass by my backseat window, looking at my two friends in the front seats, and being thankful that people love me enough to share this experience with me. I will never forget these  moments for as long as I live. It's in those moments that I truly learn about myself.

Many people dislike life because they insist it only brings them heartbreak and sorrow. I thought this in the beginning of the divorce. I would have rather died than feel what I was feeling. But I have realized now that without those feelings of deep sorrow and despair, I could never feel such happiness as I can feel now. I love to wake up and know that I can do something to make myself feel good that day. From hiking nearby or sleeping under the stars or if I have no time, little things like singing loudly to music from my iPod en route to my days events. or packing a piece of sees candy in my lunch. Or having a quick chat on the phone to a friend while I drive. I'm in control. not always of my emotions, but I can either help them be happy or help them be sad. I choose. Life allows that. I like it.

I have learned...

3. That things DO get better with time. Time does not heal all. Healing involves hard work and a conscious dedication to become healthy again. But healing requires time. One cannot sit down and say, "Okay, I have a half an hour. Ready, go!" The healing process insists on the passage of time to fade away the grief that one feels in the loss of anything, a marriage, a friend, a death, anything.

In the first few days, really in the first two weeks of the divorce I felt as if nothing will ever get better. That life would always feel this way. That I would forevermore wake up crying, and fall asleep crying. That I would view the world through a fog and never feel any deep feelings again.

But as the days wore on, and eventually turned into weeks, the fog began to lift. Not all at once, sometimes I would get peeks here and there. but it was enough to give me hope. I wrote an email to a friend of mine who had gone through a divorce some years back and asked her, "Does the crying ever stop?!?" I was worried I might burst into tears at any given moment for the rest of my life, because I saw no sign of that slowing down. She replied that yes, it did stop and I would realize one day that I had not cried a tear. She was right, I did have that moment. And they grew more and more frequent.

I can still vividly remember the feelings I had when I heard those words, "I want a divorce." It felt as though a knife had torn right through my heart, down through all the other organs in my body. The aching in my chest proved it. My heart pounded as though it was struggling to move. My head swam as though it was not receiving enough blood. These metaphors are not always as far-fetched as some may think. I imagine the pain is similar.

I hear people referring to "mending a broken heart" and I imagine it very much the same. layers and layers of scar tissue have to be put in place to mend a wound. Layers and layers of feelings had to be put in place to mend my broken love. The grieving process adds those layers without fail. Denial and isolation. There were days I laid in bed and did nothing but cry. I leaked and bled out all the emotions held in from my marriage. They soaked in to my sheets. Once I was done, there was this empty void, waiting to be filled  - and I got to choose what to fill it with. A layer of scar tissue in place, closing the chapter where I believed I was married. Accepting that I was now on my own. Anger. how could he? I still flirt with this phase, I do not like to be angry, those feelings make me feel ugly and dirty. I avoided them for a long time. But with that anger came healing. "how could he spend five years not loving me, pretending, lying every time he said he did?" Add a layer of scar tissue. With every stage came more and more of these layers of scar tissue. The more tissue covering that wound, the less likely that those miserable feelings can leak out. Just as wounds can become infected, I have had my setbacks for sure. But each time I am becoming more skilled at placing that tissue over the gaping hole, and each time that hole is smaller and smaller.

It just takes time, and with the right tools I can recover from anything.

I have learned...

2. That being easygoing is a virtue. I'm a pretty flexible person. I wasn't always in the past. But I have learned to take the unexpected and just roll with it. I guess when I figured out how to take an unexpected divorce and eventually roll with it, anything is easy after that. My mother, who very rarely analyzes me and tells me about it, said to me the other day "You have become very resilient in your adulthood." I think a lot of it is my easygoing ability. I used to watch my ex, who never seemed to care about anything, and think that he was lying to me all the time. I still think he was to an extent, but sometimes I think he actually didn't care. it wasn't important enough to him to care about. I think that in the context of a marriage that is destructive, but in my situation gaining that ability (which I always have but was never able to exert in my marriage for some reason - possibly in defense to counteract his constant not caring?) has become a benefit. I have had several occasions where I have had to step back and tell myself, "Is this really worth caring about, or can I just go with the flow?" and realize that it's not worth my energy to fight it.

That is a main part in monitoring my stress levels. learning when to not care, and when to fight for what I believe in. I have a difficult situation among my friends where I happen to have all the knowledge on a situation (I am the one that for some reason, everybody comes to me with their problems/thoughts/worries/etc.) but no one person has the entire story, they all know different pieces. This makes it sticky because while I do not want to break confidences by telling others what they don't know, everybody is making important decisions based on their limited knowledge and I am afraid they will be hurt when they find out it's not what they thought it would be. So how do I handle this? It stresses me out knowing that pretty much everybody is going to be upset in the end, but I do not want to lose the confidence of any one person, I value that trait about myself. So while this decision weighs heavy on my mind I must decide whether this is enough to stress myself over, or if I can just roll with it and let everybody learn their lesson that hard way.

I have learned however, that major decisions cannot be made immediately, part of learning to be easygoing. it is often the smart and beneficial move to put it on the back burner, go about life for a day or two, and come back to it. Such a short amount of time can lend a major perspective on a given situation.

I have also learned to not need to have all the information right away. It will come in it's own time, when it is right. Freaking out only makes it harder on me, and the information does not come any faster. BIG lesson for me. I guess this ties in with the divorce pretty well. It was very rare to have good days, or days where I felt hope or happiness. Often those days would fall in between days where I would be making major decisions or waiting for important information. I had to learn to force myself to shelve all my worries and ride out the good feelings as long as I could, just to stay alive. Nobody can live long in utter misery. A good moment has to be thrown in, even briefly, for good decisions and actions to be made.

A new beginning

A...celebration?

My date with the fireman has been moved to next week because I broke my wrist/rib/skull this week. I'm fine, they are all small fractures but it is rather painful to do much. yesterday was the six-month mark, and the date for the finalization for my divorce. Monday the paperwork will file with the county, and I will officially be single. I spent the morning setting up a new stereo system , which has reminded me of my ex. He always did these things, I never enjoyed it. Trying to do it myself is...daunting. But I did it, I even built the new entertainment center, broken bones and all.The stereo system has an iPod dock which is the best feature in my opinion because I love having music playing all the time, it makes the house seem not so quiet.

 February 20, 2010

I got many many phone calls from friends throughout the day, everybody knew I had chosen to stay home until going out with friends that evening. I only answered about half of the calls, and kept most of those conversations short and tried to allow time to grieve.  My therapist said it would feel like a death, and she is right. I am having trouble deciding if I am happy or not for my marriage being over. One minute I am crying, the next pretty happy. Smiling even. These emotions are crazy. I am now bracing myself for Monday as I don't have a lot of friends around that day to distract me.


I went out with friends in the evening, and that was a disaster. I shouldn't have expected everybody to really come through...though in the end it was okay. After dinner I went with another friend to the home of a couple that lives pretty much in my back yard. We were going to watch Zombieland (hilarious movie) and play some games...just allow me to relax from the stressful events of the dinner party.


Here's the thing. I had been thinking about drinking a lot lately. I have a few friends who drink on occasion, and...I guess it is just all the changes I am making in myself, and trying so many new things (I have labeled 2010 "the year of new experiences" for myself) that I have become..I don't know how to say it, curious I guess. The idea has been rolling around in my head for a while, and last night I guess I was ready. So under the safety of a few trusted friends I had a couple of (very light) drinks. I have to say, it was nice to feel so relaxed. I don't think this is something I would do all the time, but I am not as against it as I was.


The evening turned out okay in the end, this particular couple has always come through for me during the worst times, I am not surprised that it was them who helped make my night okay. I woke up this morning in a good mood and am hoping it will last throughout the day.

well folks,

I heard from that fireman today. He called while I was on my break at work. I officially have a date with him now, though I will not be announcing when because who knows who lurks on this page! Thank you for all the supportive (and inquisitive) emails, and here are the answers to your questions:
1. Yes, I am nervous. No more nervous than I was with any other date I have been on yet however.
2. What if he doesn't like me? I got this question several times. There is a good chance of that. This is ME we are talking about. Yes, it will probably hurt but I will get over it. There's nothing I can do about that, so why stress over it? Maybe I won't like him instead. Or we both won't like each other. The world won't be over.
3. Um, OK I have been pretty quiet on my beliefs on sleeping with dates. I've gotten a lot of questions about it. No, I will not be sleeping with him, not on the first date, not on the third. I'm still working out with myself on this exact moral value, but I can assure you that I wouldn't sleep with anybody until I considered it a serious relationship, and that is going to take a long time for me to get there. If he doesn't like it, he can go. Easy as that.

Those seem to be the three main questions I am getting. I get a lot of email now, so if you haven't received a reply yet, please be patient. I will get to you. I've started keeping a list of topics you want to see covered on my blog, and I will slowly be putting up entries to quench your curiosity.

The next entry you get will probably be about my date...

A Fireman and some confidence

So, I have been on a few dates thus far. My one date from hell was the first, and a few others that haven't been so bad, in fact I could even call them good. Today at work I was working the cash register when two men came up to purchase some clothing. Now, my store caters to gay men so usually I assume if there are two guys, that they are together. One was talking about his wife though. They were both in firefighter uniforms. The other one, was quite good looking. they were only buying t-shirts, so that made me think they weren't really gay, but my thoughts didn't travel further than that. We chatted for a few minutes during the transaction, and they left. A few minutes later, the good looking one came back in, and I got the shock of my life. He asked me out. Just like that. Apparently he had inquired about me to one of my co-workers who told him that I was single. I was...startled...to say the least. But I managed, at least I think I did, to play it cool. I said yes. And now I am nervous. He is waaaay out of my league. But, hey, he asked me out. If that's true, it's his fault. So, readers of my life, I will keep you updated on this new turn of events. Maybe there is life out there for us, after all.

Surviving Valentines Day

I had no idea that Valentines day was going to affect me this much. The sad feelings began around Monday, and wove themselves through nearly everything I did. By the time Friday came around I was so exhausted and beat-down from it all, I could barely convince myself to go to work. It was a rough day. I realized how much the weight showed in my physical appearance. On the way to the car I did this self check thing I do, where I take account of my emotional wellness, and also take note of my physical wellness. It's one of those things I do regularly, daily, to make sure all is right, and I am not letting my bi-polar get the best of me. I realized my shoulders were slumped, I was dragging my feet, and my head hung. I could feel the weight in my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in years. I wondered if I had gone all day like this, and realized that I probably had. I decided that this was unacceptable, and straightened myself right there in the now empty parking lot. Regardless if I wanted to, I was going to walk standing straight, and I was going to look around me as if I was interested. I've learned that little things like that can bring up a person, even if they have to fake it for a while.

I don't know why I felt like this. It's not like I wanted to spend v-day with him. I didn't at all. I'm not longing for a boyfriend, in fact I don't WANT a boyfriend. So...with those two things out of the way, what is my problem?

I've spent the last half hour trying to figure this out. I think I've got it. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I want to be loved. It would be nice to be held, to have that companionship. To have somebody to smile back at me when I smile at them. I miss...loving somebody.

Valentines day was one holiday that he and I did well. For the past few years we would make reservations at this particular hotel, and get all dressed up and go to dinner, and just spend time relaxing in the hotel and just being with each other. Those trips I always felt love. Valentines day was the day he told me he wanted to stay together the first time, and that he wouldn't change his mind, and that he was going to do everything he could to love me and treat me well. I miss those trips, I miss that feeling of being loved, I felt it so rarely.

Saturday night when I got off work I went out with coworkers/friends and the topic somehow turned to marriage. Being the only one who has been married for any length of time, they all looked to me to describe it and explain to them what it was like. I pulled out the positives, and realized there was a lot. A lot more than the negatives, if you don't count his attitude - which wold not be present in another marriage. I'm not sur eif it helped, or hurt, remembering all the good times.

Valentines day was really, really rough. I worked the morning into the early evening. My energy level was at zero. People kept wishing me a happy valentines day and I had to bite my tongue and say nice things back.  I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just wanted to sleep it all away. This is a warning sign. I gauged myself carefully, and made myself go to dinner as planned with a friend. We did, and I went home, knowing that company would be good, but I needed to work through my feelings on my own. My nephew brought me a flower, and that was the last straw. It was all I had to hold back the tears until he and my friend left. I crawled into my hammock and cried and cried. I bawled out all the frustrations and sadness and loneliness and anger and sorrow that had built over the last week.

 My nephew with my flower

At some point, crying does you no good anymore, and you need to stop. I tried. No such luck. I cried for another 20 minutes, and then I was saved by a phone call from Jacob. Oddly enough, he is good at calling me when I am crying. Jacob has saved me on several occasions from crying the night away. Thankfully, when I answer the phone when crying, I sound like I was sleeping and can play it off pretty well, and talking to somebody that I don't want to know I was crying (which, is actually anybody - I don't admit to crying to my friends) is a good and quick way to sober up.

The stressful day left me exhausted, but even once I was off the phone my mind wouldn't completely shut down. Thankfully I had talked long enough that it was quite late and eventually that exhaustion kicked it. Sleep is wonderful. Valentines day is not.

how to forgive, bitterness, and sadness

February 11, 2009

It's been a little while since I have written here, I have been reluctant to update when I have very little positive to say. Ever since my last meeting with him, this bitterness has been festering inside of me. I hate it. It makes me hate me. I am not an angry person at all, in fact I would rather let something go instead of letting myself be angry. It's an awful feeling. I didn't realize just how bitter I was until I drove past his street the other day. I would normally just avoid it all together, as  there is no real reason to be in that part of town. But I was following a friend and we were getting around traffic. As we passed the street that led to his, I had this overwhelming desire to flip it off. Now, this is not me at all. I find that gesture to be incredibly ugly and offensive, and have never used it in my entire life. It took much effort to not do this, and I am glad I didn't. But I wanted to. What is wrong with me? WHY do I care so much? I didn't use to.


I explored this with the divorce counselor I am seeing, and the conclusion was this: I feel betrayed, and I need to forgive him. I'll discuss the first. I have not ever felt betrayed the way I do now. I have never been betrayed the way I have been now, however. I spent six and a half years trying to get a few things from my husband: Love, a desire to be with me, a puppy, children, and a relaxed, happy husband. I didn't get any one of those things, and they were the most important to me. And I didn't get even one. Now, there is some chick out there who can have all of these things from him, including the puppy because if he followed through, he should have one by now. What, he didn't even trust me to be the parent of a puppy? It hurts how little  - I mean- no respect he had for me. It burns my insides, this raging flame that is getting hotter by the day. Eventually I will be an inferno and I am scared for that day.

Onto the forgiveness part. I feel like someone on television, with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. part of me doesn't want to forgive him. He hurt me, left scars that are taking too long to fade. Why should I forgive that? He doesn't deserve it. The other part is that rational, loving me that doesn't like to be mean. It says I need to forgive him, that hating him is only hurting myself, and I did it once in the beginning of the divorce, why can't I do it now? I know why, because I thought he was as miserable as I was. Now I know his sadness doesn't even compare to mine. And I resent that.

However, I know this angel is right. I am only hurting myself. It's not like I am there to rub in the non-forgiveness in. I have said from the beginning that I am going to do anything I can to come out of this healthy, and better than I was before. And I am going to do that. But how do I go about forgiving him? I'm lost there. My selfish feelings are in the way. I tell myself that I really do want him to be happy. And I do. Just not until I am happy first. This is a problem. But I don't really want him to suffer either. After that last encounter, I felt really, really bad that I said things that probably hurt him. I still feel bad about that. So, I do still care, and some remote part of me still loves him, that won't disappear completely for a long time, I spent too many years loving him.

So how do I go about forgiving? How does this work? Forgiveness has always come so easily to me, I have never had to work at it. Can I make a conscious effort of this? If so, what do I do? Do I just repeat over and over that I forgive him? I've spent more time on my knees praying recently...it doesn't seem to be helping this forgiveness part. I hate these entries, I will spend the next two days crying over this.

Life has been rough lately, it's been a constant battle with myself and my emotions, to keep myself under control. I've managed to hold up a good front for my friends, I just can't lean on them so much. They all have their own lives to deal with, and they don't need me in the way. They each are dealing with their own personal battles,  and I know firsthand what the extra stress of a friends problems can do to your own. In a way it's nice to laugh and act happy, but at the end of the day when everybody has gone home it's nice to just be me.

I slept outside last night. I had had a really long night at work the previous day into that morning, and I was really exhausted, but too keyed up over life to relax. I was on the phone to Jacob until I thought I was tired enough to go to bed, but once I laid down I couldn't even get my eyes to shut. I took a glass of hot chocolate and a lot of blankets outside, and curled up on my hammock. All the frustration and stress and sadness overflowed, and I cried for about an hour. Eventually the stars and the cold breeze on my tears calmed me, and I began to relax. I am so appreciative to live in a place where I can do this. Eventually my eyes closed and I thought to myself, I need to go in. But I was so comfortable, so calm. next thing I know, it was daylight, and I had the best sleep I'd slept in weeks. I guess, I am going back outside.

Driving

One thing that I have not taken the time to do, that I have always known would be good for me, is spend a long time with just myself. I had a total of twenty-four hours to do this this week, and I am amazed at how good it was for me.

During this full days worth of driving, I had ample time to get worked up, let my anger, exhaustion, frustration, sadness, and stress seep out through the cracks, leaving room for eventual relaxation. After an hour or two of driving through teary eyes, My body physically began to relax. I began to really enjoy the drive. The scenery became quite beautiful, and this helped quite a bit. After several hours of singing to the radio and thinking, I realized that I actually was quite happy with my life. This is a very important realization, because at one point I felt I many never be happy with my life again.

I had left on a Sunday, and Tuesday I finally caught up on all the sleep I had been missing. Monday night I had gone to bed pretty early, and slept through the entire mornings activities until Jacob woke me up at noon. I had been sleeping so well, not being the only person in the house makes a big difference. After nearly seven years of not being alone, it's a hard adjustment. Once I'd managed to fully wake up from my more than twelve hours of sleep, I felt pretty good, the least tired I'd been in months.

This small but beneficial vacation put me in a good place to deal with the drama I faced at home, which didn't take more than an hour to began after I had arrived.

Music

To all those out there who think nobody quite understands what you are going through, Pink does. The musician, that is - not the color. I have had her newest album "Funhouse" laying around my house for months now, and had never even opened it. When I found out I would be taking that road trip I put it onto my iPod. This woman has managed to put all of the confusing feelings of divorce onto one neatly packaged CD. Every one of these songs could have been written by me. Looking back on my posts, and through my journal, songs flow from the beginning of the end, through finding your own person.

This one, "MEAN" is how I began to feel while I was in Colorado, during the time he was planning his divorce from me:

You used to hold the door for me, now you can't wait to leave
You used to send flowers if you fucked up in my dreams
I used to make you laugh with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes and walk away and shake your head

And then shortly after that day,

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before

And this one, "One foot wrong" I can relate to for sure, and I know many of you can as well:

Am I sweating
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to talk me down

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

It's the despair that I felt, and the anger and the happiness at freedom...it's all found in this CD. I was driving along, somewhere between the California border and Flagstaff, Arizona that I set my iPod to this album. I began to cry somewhere in the middle of the first song. I cried through most of the album, but came out of it feeling better than ever. I must have played it through three or four times, and again on the way home.

Many of you have asked questions regarding a comment I made about how I have a constant running soundtrack through my head, and what songs would play during certain times. I have a good example of this, which I will post at a future date. Certain CD's however, ring relevant. LeAnn Womack's CD "I Hope you Dance" is another one, but it is rather depressing. I have tried to refrain from very sad, down songs, as I knew that my goal was to bring myself up, not allow myself to be dragged down even further.

stressed...but better

I am much, much better than I was the last time I posted. No longer am I bothered by what went on that Friday, and I am eating and am not nearly so dehydrated. I finally told some friends that I saw him, in an effort to distract my friend who is going through her own divorce.

It's rough, helping another friend through her divorce when I am so recently out of mine. I am trying to remember all that I wished I had in a friend, and be that person. I'm really stressed, though. It is emotionally exhausting reliving all those emotions and feelings I had in the beginning, with my friend. I have barely gotten any sleep in the past week, though I have not been to work since Monday. By the time I do get to lay down, my mind won't shut down, and I have to repeatedly remind myself that these feelings are for her divorce, not my own. in a nutshell, I am not quite ready for this kind of trial. With no option to just quit and walk away, as I would never, ever do that to a friend, I am just sucking it up and doing the best I can.

I had the opportunity to eat with two people today. For lunch I met my friends dad, who acts as my dad, as my real one lives far away and is not up to the challenge. We talked for a couple of hours, about my divorce, about my friends, and just life in general. I really enjoy those talks. He has an interesting outlook on life, one that I do not always see on my own. He has much belief in me and my capabilities to have a good life, and it's nice to be reminded of those things every once in a while.

I met another friend of mine for dinner, we always take each other out to dinner at this particular pizza buffet for birthdays. Mine is a week from Sunday, but next week is looking to be hectic. It was nice to not talk about divorces, or guys, or drama. We just gabbed about everything else - clothes, hair, school and work. True girl talk. It was quite relaxing, just what I needed to face the night ahead of me.

My friend going through her divorce had informed me that she was just staying home tonight and I was glad for her - this proves she is moving along in the grieving process. About 8:30 she texts asking if I can come over. Not a good sign. On my way I got stuck, as the roads were flooded due to massive amounts of rain we are experiencing right now. I sat there for a good half hour trying to get through the detour. I texted Jacob and asked him to call her, but she didn't want to talk to him. I finally arrived and she was in pieces on the floor. What a familiar scene. Trying not to lose it myself I did what I could to console her, and eventually got her talking. I can tell when enough is enough and after a good venting and grieving session, I got her laughing. Finally she called Jacob back which gave me a break and I was able to collect myself. I feel like my guard is up, like if I let myself really feel for her the way I usually do for friends, I might lose it myself. I can't do that because who would take care of both of us? It's a long night when I am trying to be there for her but trying to protect myself.

I was home by midnight tonight, earlier than usual. When you are going through a divorce, NyQuil is your friend. It is not good to rely on drugs to help you all the time. But when you are in such a state of grief, you need all the energy you can get. I can remember weeks where I would go three or four nights barely sleeping, just drifting but no deep sleep. It's like every time I tried to relax, something in me would purposely think of the misery I felt, and it would wake me right up again. Those days were the worst. No food for fuel, no sleep for energy. I was a zombie. It was an effort just to get words in the right order to form a sentence. Those days I didn't go anywhere, do anything. I just wandered the house, for who knows what, a better life? It was no way to get better. Once I started using aids to sleep, that habit was broken and after a couple of weeks I no longer needed help, I could sleep through the night.

So she took some NyQuil and I sat with her until she fell asleep. And here I am, my brain running a thousand miles a minute, one in the morning, wide awake.

I need to de-stress. I have to do something to calm myself down soon or...or...I actually don't know what. Probably nothing would happen I would just be miserable. I want to be outside but it's pouring torrential rains. I may go for a run tomorrow anyhow. I used to love the feeling of the rain pelting my face for mile after mile, when I ran in Washington state. Those were some of the best times. I may get to drive to New Mexico to help out Jacob over the weekend. That would be welcome, many hours alone in the car with my iPod. That would be a wonderful de-stresser.

NOT ready for this

My best friend sent me a text today. It read, "Please come over." Upon arriving at her house, I find out her husband asked for a divorce. Whoa. that hit really close to home. I fought tears as I listened to her describe the conversation with her husband. It hurt, listening to her recount. It brought back memories of when I received the divorce talk. I felt for her, tried to remember what I needed the most on that day. I remembered wanting somebody to hold me. I remembered wanting to know what to expect. I gave a little of both, knowing she already felt overwhelmed.

I know better than any of our circle what she is going through. I need to be there for her, she needs me. That was evident when she chose to call me, and tell nobody else. But I'm not ready for this. It feels so much like going through it all over again. It's too soon. This sounds horrible and selfish, but I'm worried about what this will do to me, and my recovery. There is no question, I will be there for her every step of the way. She will need somebody there for her, and I know firsthand the others are only mildly reliable. She needs a stable friendship and I can provide that.

I was thankful that I held back the tears until I left. Once in the car however, waterworks. I'm getting rather tired of the tears, I will be glad when they dry up. I thought I might appreciate having somebody in the same boat as me to spend the rough days with. I don't think I am. It just causes more hard days. This will be difficult for both of us.

I am so dehydrated from the crying. I havn't been able to eat much either. I threw up most of what I have eaten. This is a bad sign. I really don't want to get back into that routine. I am already back at my lowest weight, what I was at the first time I weighed myself after the day. I'm forcing myself to drink water, even though that gives me more to throw up. I'm hoping my body will absorb at least some of it.

I am nearly out of the fog that I got in on Saturday. I no longer think about him all day, though it still upsets me every once in a while. Time heals. But I'm angry now. Really, really angry. How dare he tell me our whole marriage that I would not be a good mom. That he wouldn't trust me with his children. how dare he tell me he doesn't care if I find his mustache unattractive, that he will keep it. how dare he tell me he isn't in love with me, or even like me. How dare he do all these things for this girl. How dare he hurt me like that. how dare he make me feel unlovable and unattractive. How dare he expect me to be happy for his now found love. How. Dare. He.

of sadness, getting better

I never should have let him sit down. I am kicking myself repeatedly for this. It was so easy, to have the conversation, to talk with him. But I don't need that. I have friends, most of the time. While I know it was stupid, I also know it was really good for me. I just lit into him, told him all the angry things I had not said, didn't say because I didn't want to hurt him. But he hurt me. And I am not usually like that, but his hurting me caused me to not care if I hurt him. I feel a little bad now, but not that much. He listened as I cried, and told him how angry I was. As he left, he promised never to do this again. And I believe him. I have to, because it will keep in my mind that this will never happen again, and will give me the strength to say no next time. I will know he doesn't want this either.

I was in a really bad fog yesterday, I'm not even sure how I made it through the day. I had to read the blogs I posted because I didn't remember what or if I said anything. I couldn't find any friends to be with me, I spent the day crying. I left for work and somehow made it through there, though goodness knows how. Once home, I attempted to watch a movie but it was stupid so I took a sleeping pill and went to bed around midnight. I should have been tired enough to speel without one, having only gotten 4 hours of sleep before, but I wanted it to shut off my mind.

I was woken at eleven this morning by a friend who wanted to go to lunch. It was a good start to my day, I didn't have time to wallow before I had to head out the door. I haven't been alone since then, until now. My friend knows something is wrong I think, but she isn't asking. I'm not telling, either. I feel stupid going to my friends when it was my own damn fault. I mentioned it to my stepmom, because she has been through divorces and I thought she might understand, and she tells me, "oh honey it's okay it's called lonliness sex." There was no sex, I informed her. She then says, "well, why the hell did you let him stay then?" It wouldn't have been for the sex that is for sure. The sex in our marriage was terrible.

I feel good about handling it by myself. I have learned to do everything else by myself. I don't consider myself a strong person, but sometimes I have random bouts of it. I don't feel as bad as yesterday, even as I am sitting here alone. I think the crying is over, though if I went to tell anybody the story I am pretty sure I would lose it again. That would just make the other person feel awkward so I won't be doing that.

lets make it a good one

If I am going to be upset today, I might as well get it all out. No sense in dragging these feelings out over the next few weeks. Do it now, get it over with, move on. Learn from it. I am scared. I feel a fog, similar though not quite as strong as the one I was in in the beginning. Have I just lost all the ground I made? Am I not really as well adjusted as I thought I was? I'll have to wait and see. But I am scared.

I hate crying. More than that though, I realize I hate crying alone. I cried last night when he was here. I am glad for one thing though, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO HOLD ME. That is a big deal. I used to still want that from him, want that safety. He mentioned he was fighting the urge to give me a hug. I asked him to please not. I worried he would. He did not. He understood, and I am thankful for that.

But I do want somebody to hold me. Not him, but somebody. I long for that feeling of safety and comfort. I long for somebody to make me feel loved. I don't like this feeling of alone. I don't want to feel alone any longer. I have friends, and they are great. I do not have any I can cry to, though. It would be awkward for them, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with most of them. I don't know what this says about me, I have examined it many times, but this feeling is the same one I have about girl hugs. Crying to a girlfriend soemtiems happens. But it lacks that security and comfort that comes with being held in a mans arms. Friend, lover, otherwise. It makes no difference. There is just something about it that I long for...my analytical mind can't figure this one out.

I have to work this evening and I just hope that I can make it through. I texted a friend, asking to not be alone for the next two hours until I leave. She has not replied, and I am deciding if I can hold myself together long enough to call her on the phone. I have not felt like this in a long time. It is miserable. But it is good for me, as long as I learn from it, let the feelings release in their time, and move on when it is over.

I guess it's time to call my friend. Some days, I just can't do it alone.

of making stupid moves, instead of avoiding them

I say on a regular basis that I try to avoid stupid moves. This mantra has served me well, kept me out of trouble on numerous occasions. I was unable to do this last night, however I knew I wouldn't have the strength to avoid this stupid move before it even happened.

My car registration went to his house, and he had some pictures of mine. He offered to bring them by after I got off work around eleven. At 11:15 he came by, bearing McDonald's. I was grateful for the food as I was starving. Here was my stupid move: I motioned for him to sit down. We began to talk, he told me about his road trip to Arizona, I told him about mine up the coast. Even as I am talking to him I am thinking to myself, "why are you telling him these things about you? STOP!" But I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why and I hate myself now for it.

The conversation flows easily as it does between two people who once were close but have been apart for quite some time. He began to tell me about this girl. The same one who dumped him and broke his heart before. She's back, and it's only him. Or was anyhow. He fell in love with her daughter, realized he wanted to have children. He realized he was in love with her. I heard about how she keeps pushing him away, and he keeps coming back. I heard about how she hasn't called him in two weeks.

He shaved his mustache. I tried and tried to get him to shave it for years, in our marriage. He looks terrible with one. She got him to shave it. She...got everything I couldn't have.

I still feel strongly that I don't want him, the damage is irreparable that he has caused me and I can't stand the thought of being with him. So why does it burt so, so, so badly? It hurts with this deep ache that has wracked my body in sobs for the last hour. Why? Why does he want everything with her that I wanted with him? How can he love her like this, and never feel that way about me? How can he love her as a mother when he looked at me and decided that I should never be one? How can he take what she says with respect, when he had none for me? What was so wrong with me?

I have so many tears I cannot even see what I am writing. the night was not all about this girl. I voiced a lot of anger I felt towards him, and that felt really good.

I am angry, I told him. I feel that I am not a vengeful person, that with the people I care about I never want them to hurt, and will give anything of myself to keep them from hurting. But towards him, I feel things I never want to feel towards a person. It's not fair, I told him, that I loved you and I worked to keep you and tried to be what you wanted so you would love me. I gave up me, all of who I am for you. I spent six years trying to make you happy. And now, now that I am free, I want to be happy. And it's not fair that I am hurting so badly and you did not hurt. You are happy, and in love, and you have not even begun to feel the pain and sorrow, that sorrow that grows from deep in your chest and aches and binds and flows out in sobs so hard I can't breathe. It's not fair that I was the one who worked and tried while you did nothing and now you don't hurt at all. When is it my turn to be happy? I want you to hurt as badly as I did, to feel what you have done to me.

I do believe he is truly sorry for what he has put me through this. And I do understand that it was necessary and the pain was unavoidable. He did not come over to talk about his girlfriend. he did not come over to hurt me. And not all of the conversation did hurt me. He was there until six-thirty in the morning. He does not mean to hurt me any longer. But he still does.

scary movies and blind dates

I have a good friend of mine, whom I have known for several months now. We have become pretty close friends and I hang out with him on a regular basis. I received a call from him last night asking if i would come watch Stepfather with him. Stepfather is a suspense/thriller movie, and I do not like scary movies. I take that back, I like scary movies, but they TERRIFY me. So I have two rules, both of which must be followed if I watch a scary movie with you. 1. You must be bigger than I am, so that I can cling to you and hide behind you during the particularly scary part. 2. You must be willing to let me stay the night with you, because otherwise I will lay awake all night being terrified. After being reassured that this criteria would be met, I agreed to come watch the movie.


This friend, I will call him Steve for the sake of this blog, is thankfully a big guy. Not fat, but has HUGE arm muscles and a chest too wide for many shirts. While muscles are not required, they do provide the size needed for hiding behind when people are being killed or stalked, which turned out to be quite handy because this movie was full of that. By the time we crawled in bed


- wait, let me point out that Steve is gay and I have not broken my decision to not sleep with anybody, for those of you who are keeping tabs, you know who you are -


By the time we crawled into his bed I was wide eyed and terrified. It took me hours to get to sleep during which Steve thankfully kept me entertained and distracted with stories of his remarkably interesting life. I finally slept but it was a fitful sleep and around four or five in the morning I was woken by concerned family members, and I dragged myself home and went back to bed, where I was woken promptly at 8:30 in the morning by a friend wanting to do our hair for the photos we were going to take that day.


Thus was the start of a crazy day.


I had a date. It was a blind date, set up by none other than Steve. it had taken me three weeks and prodding from many friends before I finally accepted the offer, and only then if I doubled with Steve and his boyfriend. Surprisingly enough, the fact that I was doubling with two men was not the strange part at all.


This date, we will call him Brian, Avoided every question I asked him. I asked what he did for a living. His reply: "Oh, don't worry darling, I make plenty of money." I stared dumbfound at him before trying to explain that I was actually trying to find out what he did, as he proceeded to explain that he had great hours, and not to worry he could always make time for me.


He then would ask a question about me, but before I had two words out he would touch my hair, or my arms and compliment me. By the time dinner was over, I knew nothing about him, and he nothing about me. I did however know plenty about Steve's boyfriends day at work.


After the movie we saw (Avatar. Awesome.) we went for ice cream. I thought, yay, this day is getting better, there's ice cream involved! Sadly, it did not. I had my butt grabbed, and then as a bulge grew in his pants he did nothing to hide it but in fact seemed to stick it out further, all the while moving closer to me while I moved further away. I eventually had to be saved by Steve.


IS THIS WHAT DATING IS ALL ABOUT??? If so, I can't handle it. I'd rather be an old spinster with a hundred cats and no electricity living atop a hill and washing my clothes in the sewer runoff that I think is a stream. All the way home I contemplated this evening. Was this guy for real? Was it a practical joke? Is this normal, and I can expect it from every guy I go on a date with? Is there just something wrong with me and I am just overreacting and this is how all guys are?


Thankfully, I have guy friends. The first thing I did was call up my friends who are married and visit them to tell them my story. They barely heard it through all the laughing. Glad my life is amusing. The husband told me that the guy was full of shit and that I should never expect or put up with that. In so many words. His way of talking is much more...crude. But it's funny.


In an effort to calm down I came home and brewed a cup of tea. I called up Jacob who is thankfully a voice of reason for me, although I don't think he realizes that his opinions are usually good ones. I did not have plans to tell him of my date in an effort to just let it go, but in telling the course of my terrible day I ended up once again relating the story. "Am I overreacting here?" I asked, trying desperately to grasp where on the scale of dating this one fell. I was assured, albeit through laughter, that I was not. It was explained to me that this guy did pretty much everything wrong. This leads me to think that maybe, just maybe, there can be better dates in the future. Waaaaayyyyy in the future, I think. But maybe.

i have a date

I've been resisting and resisting, and I realize that I can't hide forever. As much as I want to move on and enter the part where I am single and dating...I'm terrified. So this guy I know, he knows a man who is out of a marriage 2 years, and says he's perfect yadda yadda... long story short after three weeks me me ho humming and hedging...I agreed to go out with this guy. I refused to go alone, so I am doubling with my friend and his boyfriend, just to make matters more interesting.

Why am I doing this? Because I need to. I need to dip my toes in the water and ignore the fact that it is freezing and just slide on in. I'm not good at this. I wasn't as a teenager, and I am pretty sure I will be no better this time around. I always feel a bit awkward, I find it hard to relax and just enjoy the evening. Plus, I never have a clue if a guy likes me or not. This has apparently caused frustration in guys int he past who are interested in me and I'm still acting like we are just friends because I don't notice the signs, and they think I am trying to make it clear I am not interested. Pretty much, if they aren't blunt about it I don't realize it. And by blunt, I mean trying to kiss me or outright saying they like me more than just a friend...I'm just that clueless.

These things make dating frustrating, you can't imagine my elation once I was married and thought I would never have to go through that again. Here I am. It's depressing and honestly a little frustrating. I'm just going to have to find a guy who is willing to be patient with me, and easy going and persistent.

So, I'm going out tomorrow, and I am trying hard not to stress. I refuse to freak out over what I wear, or if my jeans make my butt look bad. I'm considering this a practice round, and if things work out so be it but I'm not looking for anything with this guy. I need to keep the stress down so that I do not screw it all up. Breathe in...breathe out....

it's all in how you look at it

01.11.10
I am a firm believer that a person’s happiness depends on their perspective. How you look at a situation determines how you will fare afterward. Two people can have the same situation occur and one could be quite happy and the other extremely miserable depending on how they look at it. Example:

Negative: My ex left me to find someone better. I wasted over six years of my life on someone that betrayed me. I don’t have the security of a partnership, and the life I envisioned is over. I am a failure. I will never have a 50 year anniversary now. I am alone and probably always will be….

Positive: My ex left me for something less. I have gained experience and wisdom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I am independent and have choices. I have a second chance to be happy. I don’t know if that means in a relationship of alone, but it is up to me to find that happiness…

It was really hard to be positive in the beginning. When I was so negative, it was so easy to just continue being negative. I had to fight to find something positive. It took a huge effort to do so. Now, it is once again second nature to me to look for positives in the situation first, negative last. As I started to feel better with my new outlook, I regained that positive attitude I had before. It is healing for me. One of the biggest steps in the healing process, actually.

Don’t be fooled though, I still have my negative moments. We have seen them here in some of my posts. I give myself a little pep talk and point out to myself all the positives in my life. At one time, early on, the only thing good I might be able to find was that I didn’t cry that day. Or that I was able to sing along with three songs on the radio before bursting into tears, for a couple of minutes I wasn’t in pain. I was reaching deep to find positives then.

People kept telling me things will get better with time. I am not good at waiting though, and I wanted to feel better now, not “in time”. I needed to go through the process, I needed to grow as a person and heal the right way, I still do. I didn’t want to heal on the outside and have this boiling wound on the inside that would open up one day and spread infection over everything. I keep picking at it to see if it still hurts, and if it shows signs of healing. So I hurt as bad as I did last week? Last month?

Five months does make an incredible difference in how you feel. I still check my wounds for signs of infection and healing. It’s a gauge to see how I am progressing through this process. Am I getting better If not, I figure out what I need to do to get there.

When this happened within a week I realized I needed to go to counseling. I realized I could not handle this one alone. I learned to lean on my friends, something I had not done before. I leaned to accept help where I needed it. I realized that it takes more strength to speak up and say, I need some help than it does to ignore it and brush it under the rug and pretend there are no issues. It takes an incredible amount of strength to face issues head on and deal with them.

hard days ahead, but freedom to follow

It's been a slow week for me, and I have had a lot of time to just be and reflect on many things. I have received my final divorce date, February 20th. This will be an extremely difficult day, as it will be full of mixed emotions. On one hand, it marks the end of my marriage, legally and completely. This is very sad to me that it had to come to this. It's been a difficult journey getting over him, and then working through getting over the relationship.

I received the paperwork in the mail on the 2nd, but have hesitated writing about it because I wanted to be sure my mind was clear on the subject. While this blog has been very candid and true to life, and I want it to be that way so people can see the true journey through a divorce, I do on occasion look back on a post and think, "wow, I was having a bad day when I wrote that," or "goodness I seem [depressed] [unsure] [moody]" when I am really not that way usually. As important as I feel it is to chronicle these true to life feelings, I wanted to be careful about writing on this topic, so there is no question as to how I feel or how I am handling the situation.

I am happy to be single again, to be free to date others and possibly eventually meet a man who will really love me, and with whom I can be happy with forever. I am happy that he no longer will have to feel the oppressing weight of being married to me. I am truly happy with single life, and with myself. Looking back, I feel I have exceptionally well at balancing my sometimes over rational mind with my irrational feelings. I have come out of this healthy and ready to face a new life.

I am sad that we could not make our marriage work. I am sad to be sleeping alone at night. I am sad to be losing the man I married, but not the man I divorced. I am sad that this marks the end of a 6 1/2 chapter in my life. I am just plain sad.

This day will be a hard one for me. I expect to not really know how to feel. I expect to need time alone, and time with people who love me. I expect to cry. I expect to smile. I hope to have a surrounding support, from those near and far. I expect to be excited, and scared.

I am having a divorce party. I thought long and hard about this. Should I celebrate such a failure? My stepmom offered to make me a cake. My friends want to gather. I decided I should do it. Not to celebrate my failure, but to celebrate the beginning of a much happier life. To celebrate what I am now free to do and be and become. To celebrate my new-found happiness. To celebrate the finding of the real me.

I will not spend it hating on him. I don't really want to spend it talking about him at all. I don't even want to think of him, though that will be inevitable. I want to spend it looking forward. Backward does me little good anymore, particularly for the purpose of a party.

There will be two hard days before then, however that I will have to get through first. My Birthday is on the 31st of this month. This was always the one day I wanted him to take me out, and spend his time and attention on me. My friends say they will gather to celebrate, and this will help but it will still be a sad day again, as reality that I am single is reinforced. This is expected, it's part of that "first year of firsts."

The other really really hard day, possibly harder than my divorce date where at least I will be looking forward, is Valentines day. For the last four years we have gone away and just spent time together in a hotel somewhere. Some of my best memories of our marriage are in hotels over Valentines day. I am going to have to be very creative to not allow this to become a pity party for me. All my friends will be out with their husbands, so surrounding myself will not be an option. This will be tough. I'm sure I can handle it, but it will be really, really rough.

To end this on a happy note, tonight I had a girls night. Four of us got together and watched "The Ugly Truth". Men out there reading this: is all he says there true? Great movie, but it made me nervous. I mentioned that to my girlfriends and they laughed at me and told me not to worry. But worrying is what I do best!

I am thankful to be able to have these girls nights, and to be able to just gab and eat ice cream and laugh. It's very different than when guys are around, and it is so relaxing. Girlfriends, cookie dough ice cream, and a chick flick. What a great night!

New Years Eve

01.01.10
I surprised myself this New Years Eve by choosing to stay at home by myself. I was exhausted from the holiday season being so busy, and the thought of a long night out with friends seemed like a chore more than a fun night. I had four options for the night: I could go out clubbing with work friends-that was instantly turned down. I could hang out at another work friends house and watch Paranormal Activity, but I hate scary movies and will only watch them if there is somebody I can cling to during the scary parts. Now that I am living alone, that poses another problem as I would be too scared to sleep alone that night. I could have gone to the family of a friend and played games all night, or gone to another friends house and watch movies. The moment I had texted everybody to say I wasn't coming was the best. Relief, actually. I was in for some much needed rest.


After picking up a pizza on the way home from work, I settled in to watch a movie. I chose a romantic comedy which probably wasn't my best choice seeing as how it was a holiday and all, but I really wanted to watch it.


I was in an iffy mood all evening. Holidays are hard, I hate being alone for them. They make me sad, having nobody special to share them with. I wasn't sure if the night would end in tears, as I really could have gone either way. By eleven that evening I was still doing okay, and was becoming proud of myself. I know there is nothing wrong with crying and letting feelings out, but it feels good when I don't need to, either. The closer it grew to midnight however, the more I wondered how long I could hold on. Around eleven-thirty Jacob called, and before I knew it was well after midnight and I had made it! With no trouble at all I went to sleep that night, and woke up feeling good. No tears, no wallowing in self-pity (one reason I seriously considered going out although I didn't want to) I was fine. Probably largely due to the fact that I was on the phone, but had I really been upset a phone call wouldn't have stopped me. I was proud of myself.


First holiday with no tears, a new hurdle crossed. Here's to 2010 and a year of new experiences and happiness.