I am much, much better than I was the last time I posted. No longer am I bothered by what went on that Friday, and I am eating and am not nearly so dehydrated. I finally told some friends that I saw him, in an effort to distract my friend who is going through her own divorce.
It's rough, helping another friend through her divorce when I am so recently out of mine. I am trying to remember all that I wished I had in a friend, and be that person. I'm really stressed, though. It is emotionally exhausting reliving all those emotions and feelings I had in the beginning, with my friend. I have barely gotten any sleep in the past week, though I have not been to work since Monday. By the time I do get to lay down, my mind won't shut down, and I have to repeatedly remind myself that these feelings are for her divorce, not my own. in a nutshell, I am not quite ready for this kind of trial. With no option to just quit and walk away, as I would never, ever do that to a friend, I am just sucking it up and doing the best I can.
I had the opportunity to eat with two people today. For lunch I met my friends dad, who acts as my dad, as my real one lives far away and is not up to the challenge. We talked for a couple of hours, about my divorce, about my friends, and just life in general. I really enjoy those talks. He has an interesting outlook on life, one that I do not always see on my own. He has much belief in me and my capabilities to have a good life, and it's nice to be reminded of those things every once in a while.
I met another friend of mine for dinner, we always take each other out to dinner at this particular pizza buffet for birthdays. Mine is a week from Sunday, but next week is looking to be hectic. It was nice to not talk about divorces, or guys, or drama. We just gabbed about everything else - clothes, hair, school and work. True girl talk. It was quite relaxing, just what I needed to face the night ahead of me.
My friend going through her divorce had informed me that she was just staying home tonight and I was glad for her - this proves she is moving along in the grieving process. About 8:30 she texts asking if I can come over. Not a good sign. On my way I got stuck, as the roads were flooded due to massive amounts of rain we are experiencing right now. I sat there for a good half hour trying to get through the detour. I texted Jacob and asked him to call her, but she didn't want to talk to him. I finally arrived and she was in pieces on the floor. What a familiar scene. Trying not to lose it myself I did what I could to console her, and eventually got her talking. I can tell when enough is enough and after a good venting and grieving session, I got her laughing. Finally she called Jacob back which gave me a break and I was able to collect myself. I feel like my guard is up, like if I let myself really feel for her the way I usually do for friends, I might lose it myself. I can't do that because who would take care of both of us? It's a long night when I am trying to be there for her but trying to protect myself.
I was home by midnight tonight, earlier than usual. When you are going through a divorce, NyQuil is your friend. It is not good to rely on drugs to help you all the time. But when you are in such a state of grief, you need all the energy you can get. I can remember weeks where I would go three or four nights barely sleeping, just drifting but no deep sleep. It's like every time I tried to relax, something in me would purposely think of the misery I felt, and it would wake me right up again. Those days were the worst. No food for fuel, no sleep for energy. I was a zombie. It was an effort just to get words in the right order to form a sentence. Those days I didn't go anywhere, do anything. I just wandered the house, for who knows what, a better life? It was no way to get better. Once I started using aids to sleep, that habit was broken and after a couple of weeks I no longer needed help, I could sleep through the night.
So she took some NyQuil and I sat with her until she fell asleep. And here I am, my brain running a thousand miles a minute, one in the morning, wide awake.
I need to de-stress. I have to do something to calm myself down soon or...or...I actually don't know what. Probably nothing would happen I would just be miserable. I want to be outside but it's pouring torrential rains. I may go for a run tomorrow anyhow. I used to love the feeling of the rain pelting my face for mile after mile, when I ran in Washington state. Those were some of the best times. I may get to drive to New Mexico to help out Jacob over the weekend. That would be welcome, many hours alone in the car with my iPod. That would be a wonderful de-stresser.
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