I say on a regular basis that I try to avoid stupid moves. This mantra has served me well, kept me out of trouble on numerous occasions. I was unable to do this last night, however I knew I wouldn't have the strength to avoid this stupid move before it even happened.
My car registration went to his house, and he had some pictures of mine. He offered to bring them by after I got off work around eleven. At 11:15 he came by, bearing McDonald's. I was grateful for the food as I was starving. Here was my stupid move: I motioned for him to sit down. We began to talk, he told me about his road trip to Arizona, I told him about mine up the coast. Even as I am talking to him I am thinking to myself, "why are you telling him these things about you? STOP!" But I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why and I hate myself now for it.
The conversation flows easily as it does between two people who once were close but have been apart for quite some time. He began to tell me about this girl. The same one who dumped him and broke his heart before. She's back, and it's only him. Or was anyhow. He fell in love with her daughter, realized he wanted to have children. He realized he was in love with her. I heard about how she keeps pushing him away, and he keeps coming back. I heard about how she hasn't called him in two weeks.
He shaved his mustache. I tried and tried to get him to shave it for years, in our marriage. He looks terrible with one. She got him to shave it. She...got everything I couldn't have.
I still feel strongly that I don't want him, the damage is irreparable that he has caused me and I can't stand the thought of being with him. So why does it burt so, so, so badly? It hurts with this deep ache that has wracked my body in sobs for the last hour. Why? Why does he want everything with her that I wanted with him? How can he love her like this, and never feel that way about me? How can he love her as a mother when he looked at me and decided that I should never be one? How can he take what she says with respect, when he had none for me? What was so wrong with me?
I have so many tears I cannot even see what I am writing. the night was not all about this girl. I voiced a lot of anger I felt towards him, and that felt really good.
I am angry, I told him. I feel that I am not a vengeful person, that with the people I care about I never want them to hurt, and will give anything of myself to keep them from hurting. But towards him, I feel things I never want to feel towards a person. It's not fair, I told him, that I loved you and I worked to keep you and tried to be what you wanted so you would love me. I gave up me, all of who I am for you. I spent six years trying to make you happy. And now, now that I am free, I want to be happy. And it's not fair that I am hurting so badly and you did not hurt. You are happy, and in love, and you have not even begun to feel the pain and sorrow, that sorrow that grows from deep in your chest and aches and binds and flows out in sobs so hard I can't breathe. It's not fair that I was the one who worked and tried while you did nothing and now you don't hurt at all. When is it my turn to be happy? I want you to hurt as badly as I did, to feel what you have done to me.
I do believe he is truly sorry for what he has put me through this. And I do understand that it was necessary and the pain was unavoidable. He did not come over to talk about his girlfriend. he did not come over to hurt me. And not all of the conversation did hurt me. He was there until six-thirty in the morning. He does not mean to hurt me any longer. But he still does.
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