NOT ready for this

My best friend sent me a text today. It read, "Please come over." Upon arriving at her house, I find out her husband asked for a divorce. Whoa. that hit really close to home. I fought tears as I listened to her describe the conversation with her husband. It hurt, listening to her recount. It brought back memories of when I received the divorce talk. I felt for her, tried to remember what I needed the most on that day. I remembered wanting somebody to hold me. I remembered wanting to know what to expect. I gave a little of both, knowing she already felt overwhelmed.

I know better than any of our circle what she is going through. I need to be there for her, she needs me. That was evident when she chose to call me, and tell nobody else. But I'm not ready for this. It feels so much like going through it all over again. It's too soon. This sounds horrible and selfish, but I'm worried about what this will do to me, and my recovery. There is no question, I will be there for her every step of the way. She will need somebody there for her, and I know firsthand the others are only mildly reliable. She needs a stable friendship and I can provide that.

I was thankful that I held back the tears until I left. Once in the car however, waterworks. I'm getting rather tired of the tears, I will be glad when they dry up. I thought I might appreciate having somebody in the same boat as me to spend the rough days with. I don't think I am. It just causes more hard days. This will be difficult for both of us.

I am so dehydrated from the crying. I havn't been able to eat much either. I threw up most of what I have eaten. This is a bad sign. I really don't want to get back into that routine. I am already back at my lowest weight, what I was at the first time I weighed myself after the day. I'm forcing myself to drink water, even though that gives me more to throw up. I'm hoping my body will absorb at least some of it.

I am nearly out of the fog that I got in on Saturday. I no longer think about him all day, though it still upsets me every once in a while. Time heals. But I'm angry now. Really, really angry. How dare he tell me our whole marriage that I would not be a good mom. That he wouldn't trust me with his children. how dare he tell me he doesn't care if I find his mustache unattractive, that he will keep it. how dare he tell me he isn't in love with me, or even like me. How dare he do all these things for this girl. How dare he hurt me like that. how dare he make me feel unlovable and unattractive. How dare he expect me to be happy for his now found love. How. Dare. He.