lets make it a good one

If I am going to be upset today, I might as well get it all out. No sense in dragging these feelings out over the next few weeks. Do it now, get it over with, move on. Learn from it. I am scared. I feel a fog, similar though not quite as strong as the one I was in in the beginning. Have I just lost all the ground I made? Am I not really as well adjusted as I thought I was? I'll have to wait and see. But I am scared.

I hate crying. More than that though, I realize I hate crying alone. I cried last night when he was here. I am glad for one thing though, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO HOLD ME. That is a big deal. I used to still want that from him, want that safety. He mentioned he was fighting the urge to give me a hug. I asked him to please not. I worried he would. He did not. He understood, and I am thankful for that.

But I do want somebody to hold me. Not him, but somebody. I long for that feeling of safety and comfort. I long for somebody to make me feel loved. I don't like this feeling of alone. I don't want to feel alone any longer. I have friends, and they are great. I do not have any I can cry to, though. It would be awkward for them, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with most of them. I don't know what this says about me, I have examined it many times, but this feeling is the same one I have about girl hugs. Crying to a girlfriend soemtiems happens. But it lacks that security and comfort that comes with being held in a mans arms. Friend, lover, otherwise. It makes no difference. There is just something about it that I long for...my analytical mind can't figure this one out.

I have to work this evening and I just hope that I can make it through. I texted a friend, asking to not be alone for the next two hours until I leave. She has not replied, and I am deciding if I can hold myself together long enough to call her on the phone. I have not felt like this in a long time. It is miserable. But it is good for me, as long as I learn from it, let the feelings release in their time, and move on when it is over.

I guess it's time to call my friend. Some days, I just can't do it alone.