of sadness, getting better

I never should have let him sit down. I am kicking myself repeatedly for this. It was so easy, to have the conversation, to talk with him. But I don't need that. I have friends, most of the time. While I know it was stupid, I also know it was really good for me. I just lit into him, told him all the angry things I had not said, didn't say because I didn't want to hurt him. But he hurt me. And I am not usually like that, but his hurting me caused me to not care if I hurt him. I feel a little bad now, but not that much. He listened as I cried, and told him how angry I was. As he left, he promised never to do this again. And I believe him. I have to, because it will keep in my mind that this will never happen again, and will give me the strength to say no next time. I will know he doesn't want this either.

I was in a really bad fog yesterday, I'm not even sure how I made it through the day. I had to read the blogs I posted because I didn't remember what or if I said anything. I couldn't find any friends to be with me, I spent the day crying. I left for work and somehow made it through there, though goodness knows how. Once home, I attempted to watch a movie but it was stupid so I took a sleeping pill and went to bed around midnight. I should have been tired enough to speel without one, having only gotten 4 hours of sleep before, but I wanted it to shut off my mind.

I was woken at eleven this morning by a friend who wanted to go to lunch. It was a good start to my day, I didn't have time to wallow before I had to head out the door. I haven't been alone since then, until now. My friend knows something is wrong I think, but she isn't asking. I'm not telling, either. I feel stupid going to my friends when it was my own damn fault. I mentioned it to my stepmom, because she has been through divorces and I thought she might understand, and she tells me, "oh honey it's okay it's called lonliness sex." There was no sex, I informed her. She then says, "well, why the hell did you let him stay then?" It wouldn't have been for the sex that is for sure. The sex in our marriage was terrible.

I feel good about handling it by myself. I have learned to do everything else by myself. I don't consider myself a strong person, but sometimes I have random bouts of it. I don't feel as bad as yesterday, even as I am sitting here alone. I think the crying is over, though if I went to tell anybody the story I am pretty sure I would lose it again. That would just make the other person feel awkward so I won't be doing that.