08.19.09
It really isn't. I've done my share of destructive things as well. I am bi-polar. While it is well controlled (without medication) now, it wasn't when I first got married. I was diagnosed about 6 months after our wedding. As he began to change , (he stopped wanting to go out, or do those things we did before we were married) I couldn't handle my emotions. I was upset or crying all the time. I would get angry over stupid things, like if he hadn't taken out the trash. The worst part was that I couldn't figure out the root of my upset mood. it lasted for months. I now realize that my anger was caused by my husband not being the man I married. Not an excuse, but I finally did figure it out. Instead of questioning why he was different, I was just upset. He never knew when he would come home to find me angry, sulking, or crying.
Once I was diagnosed things got better for a considerable amount of time. I went on medication. While the meds made me sick, my mood was balanced and we were able to go back to being a married couple, instead of opposition in a war. i encountered two problems however. The first is that he made it clear that he did not believe in psychological illnesses, he thought I was just being lazy. He also made it clear that he thought I should not be on medication. The other problem was how sick the meds made me. I was sleepy all the time, and nearly always sick to my stomach. Eventually I weaned myself off of the medication.
Life was a series of ups and downs for a couple of years. I did the best I could to control myself, but I had no tools or anybody to help me. I didn't know what I was doing, and didn't do a very good job.
I had a breaking point about three years into our marriage. I hated feeling the way I did, I hated being upset all the time, I hated the deep debilitating depressions that I would struggle through. He hated them too, and began to resent me. I knew I had to do something. I spoke with a psychiatrist and began a new regimen of medication. I chose to do this because I needed a clear, un manic/depressive mind to make the next changes and decisions. I began seeing a psychologist who specialized in bi-polar patients. My goal was to ultimately learn how to control myself without medication. I worked hard. I logged how I felt every day, and the choices I made. I logged what made me angry, sad, upset, happy. My dosages were slowly lowered until I was no longer taking anything.
I kept my log. I learned to tell when I was heading toward a depressive state. I learned to control my emotions, until I no longer even reacted to those rash feelings. Eventually, I didn't have them anymore. the problem was, we were now four years into our marriage. Despite my continual efforts from day one of my marriage to make things work, he could never see past my faults to remember the real me. He never got over it. He hated and resented me.
I still have to make a conscious effort to be sure I stay emotionally healthy, and I have things I do on a regular basis to help me. However, I rarely show any symptoms due to my rational mind and strong willpower.
It really isn't. I've done my share of destructive things as well. I am bi-polar. While it is well controlled (without medication) now, it wasn't when I first got married. I was diagnosed about 6 months after our wedding. As he began to change , (he stopped wanting to go out, or do those things we did before we were married) I couldn't handle my emotions. I was upset or crying all the time. I would get angry over stupid things, like if he hadn't taken out the trash. The worst part was that I couldn't figure out the root of my upset mood. it lasted for months. I now realize that my anger was caused by my husband not being the man I married. Not an excuse, but I finally did figure it out. Instead of questioning why he was different, I was just upset. He never knew when he would come home to find me angry, sulking, or crying.
Once I was diagnosed things got better for a considerable amount of time. I went on medication. While the meds made me sick, my mood was balanced and we were able to go back to being a married couple, instead of opposition in a war. i encountered two problems however. The first is that he made it clear that he did not believe in psychological illnesses, he thought I was just being lazy. He also made it clear that he thought I should not be on medication. The other problem was how sick the meds made me. I was sleepy all the time, and nearly always sick to my stomach. Eventually I weaned myself off of the medication.
Life was a series of ups and downs for a couple of years. I did the best I could to control myself, but I had no tools or anybody to help me. I didn't know what I was doing, and didn't do a very good job.
I had a breaking point about three years into our marriage. I hated feeling the way I did, I hated being upset all the time, I hated the deep debilitating depressions that I would struggle through. He hated them too, and began to resent me. I knew I had to do something. I spoke with a psychiatrist and began a new regimen of medication. I chose to do this because I needed a clear, un manic/depressive mind to make the next changes and decisions. I began seeing a psychologist who specialized in bi-polar patients. My goal was to ultimately learn how to control myself without medication. I worked hard. I logged how I felt every day, and the choices I made. I logged what made me angry, sad, upset, happy. My dosages were slowly lowered until I was no longer taking anything.
I kept my log. I learned to tell when I was heading toward a depressive state. I learned to control my emotions, until I no longer even reacted to those rash feelings. Eventually, I didn't have them anymore. the problem was, we were now four years into our marriage. Despite my continual efforts from day one of my marriage to make things work, he could never see past my faults to remember the real me. He never got over it. He hated and resented me.
I still have to make a conscious effort to be sure I stay emotionally healthy, and I have things I do on a regular basis to help me. However, I rarely show any symptoms due to my rational mind and strong willpower.
Of course it wasn't all his fault. You weren't perfect in your marriage nobody can be. I know that although I do cite my wife's unfaithfulness as the reason our marriage failed there were things I could have done differently such as the way I handled the first infidelity. I look back all the time and kick myself for not insisting we see a counselor, or wonder if I didn't make her feel loved enough and that is why she cheated repeatedly. I have spent many nights awake replaying scenes in my head trying to figure out what could have been better. We are not perfect and we all make mistakes, she made hers and I made mine.
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