It's been a slow week for me, and I have had a lot of time to just be and reflect on many things. I have received my final divorce date, February 20th. This will be an extremely difficult day, as it will be full of mixed emotions. On one hand, it marks the end of my marriage, legally and completely. This is very sad to me that it had to come to this. It's been a difficult journey getting over him, and then working through getting over the relationship.
I received the paperwork in the mail on the 2nd, but have hesitated writing about it because I wanted to be sure my mind was clear on the subject. While this blog has been very candid and true to life, and I want it to be that way so people can see the true journey through a divorce, I do on occasion look back on a post and think, "wow, I was having a bad day when I wrote that," or "goodness I seem [depressed] [unsure] [moody]" when I am really not that way usually. As important as I feel it is to chronicle these true to life feelings, I wanted to be careful about writing on this topic, so there is no question as to how I feel or how I am handling the situation.
I am happy to be single again, to be free to date others and possibly eventually meet a man who will really love me, and with whom I can be happy with forever. I am happy that he no longer will have to feel the oppressing weight of being married to me. I am truly happy with single life, and with myself. Looking back, I feel I have exceptionally well at balancing my sometimes over rational mind with my irrational feelings. I have come out of this healthy and ready to face a new life.
I am sad that we could not make our marriage work. I am sad to be sleeping alone at night. I am sad to be losing the man I married, but not the man I divorced. I am sad that this marks the end of a 6 1/2 chapter in my life. I am just plain sad.
This day will be a hard one for me. I expect to not really know how to feel. I expect to need time alone, and time with people who love me. I expect to cry. I expect to smile. I hope to have a surrounding support, from those near and far. I expect to be excited, and scared.
I am having a divorce party. I thought long and hard about this. Should I celebrate such a failure? My stepmom offered to make me a cake. My friends want to gather. I decided I should do it. Not to celebrate my failure, but to celebrate the beginning of a much happier life. To celebrate what I am now free to do and be and become. To celebrate my new-found happiness. To celebrate the finding of the real me.
I will not spend it hating on him. I don't really want to spend it talking about him at all. I don't even want to think of him, though that will be inevitable. I want to spend it looking forward. Backward does me little good anymore, particularly for the purpose of a party.
There will be two hard days before then, however that I will have to get through first. My Birthday is on the 31st of this month. This was always the one day I wanted him to take me out, and spend his time and attention on me. My friends say they will gather to celebrate, and this will help but it will still be a sad day again, as reality that I am single is reinforced. This is expected, it's part of that "first year of firsts."
The other really really hard day, possibly harder than my divorce date where at least I will be looking forward, is Valentines day. For the last four years we have gone away and just spent time together in a hotel somewhere. Some of my best memories of our marriage are in hotels over Valentines day. I am going to have to be very creative to not allow this to become a pity party for me. All my friends will be out with their husbands, so surrounding myself will not be an option. This will be tough. I'm sure I can handle it, but it will be really, really rough.
To end this on a happy note, tonight I had a girls night. Four of us got together and watched "The Ugly Truth". Men out there reading this: is all he says there true? Great movie, but it made me nervous. I mentioned that to my girlfriends and they laughed at me and told me not to worry. But worrying is what I do best!
I am thankful to be able to have these girls nights, and to be able to just gab and eat ice cream and laugh. It's very different than when guys are around, and it is so relaxing. Girlfriends, cookie dough ice cream, and a chick flick. What a great night!
I received the paperwork in the mail on the 2nd, but have hesitated writing about it because I wanted to be sure my mind was clear on the subject. While this blog has been very candid and true to life, and I want it to be that way so people can see the true journey through a divorce, I do on occasion look back on a post and think, "wow, I was having a bad day when I wrote that," or "goodness I seem [depressed] [unsure] [moody]" when I am really not that way usually. As important as I feel it is to chronicle these true to life feelings, I wanted to be careful about writing on this topic, so there is no question as to how I feel or how I am handling the situation.
I am happy to be single again, to be free to date others and possibly eventually meet a man who will really love me, and with whom I can be happy with forever. I am happy that he no longer will have to feel the oppressing weight of being married to me. I am truly happy with single life, and with myself. Looking back, I feel I have exceptionally well at balancing my sometimes over rational mind with my irrational feelings. I have come out of this healthy and ready to face a new life.
I am sad that we could not make our marriage work. I am sad to be sleeping alone at night. I am sad to be losing the man I married, but not the man I divorced. I am sad that this marks the end of a 6 1/2 chapter in my life. I am just plain sad.
This day will be a hard one for me. I expect to not really know how to feel. I expect to need time alone, and time with people who love me. I expect to cry. I expect to smile. I hope to have a surrounding support, from those near and far. I expect to be excited, and scared.
I am having a divorce party. I thought long and hard about this. Should I celebrate such a failure? My stepmom offered to make me a cake. My friends want to gather. I decided I should do it. Not to celebrate my failure, but to celebrate the beginning of a much happier life. To celebrate what I am now free to do and be and become. To celebrate my new-found happiness. To celebrate the finding of the real me.
I will not spend it hating on him. I don't really want to spend it talking about him at all. I don't even want to think of him, though that will be inevitable. I want to spend it looking forward. Backward does me little good anymore, particularly for the purpose of a party.
There will be two hard days before then, however that I will have to get through first. My Birthday is on the 31st of this month. This was always the one day I wanted him to take me out, and spend his time and attention on me. My friends say they will gather to celebrate, and this will help but it will still be a sad day again, as reality that I am single is reinforced. This is expected, it's part of that "first year of firsts."
The other really really hard day, possibly harder than my divorce date where at least I will be looking forward, is Valentines day. For the last four years we have gone away and just spent time together in a hotel somewhere. Some of my best memories of our marriage are in hotels over Valentines day. I am going to have to be very creative to not allow this to become a pity party for me. All my friends will be out with their husbands, so surrounding myself will not be an option. This will be tough. I'm sure I can handle it, but it will be really, really rough.
To end this on a happy note, tonight I had a girls night. Four of us got together and watched "The Ugly Truth". Men out there reading this: is all he says there true? Great movie, but it made me nervous. I mentioned that to my girlfriends and they laughed at me and told me not to worry. But worrying is what I do best!
I am thankful to be able to have these girls nights, and to be able to just gab and eat ice cream and laugh. It's very different than when guys are around, and it is so relaxing. Girlfriends, cookie dough ice cream, and a chick flick. What a great night!
My husband left me 2 years ago. I did not know he was gone except I found a note saying he didn't love me and divorce papers would be in the mail. I have been depressed since then and cannot seem to get out of it. Holidays are the hardest days for me it hurts so much to be alone and without my love. They don't get easier. I have read all your posts and wish I could be that strong to get over him the way you have gotten over your husband. I hope you find a good man who loves you and takes care of you.
ReplyDeleteSo many nights I cry wishing he would come back, but you are right why should I want him to come back when he doesn't love me? I need somebody who loves me too. We are not too old to find love.
I'd take that as some major validation that you're on the right path., despite your mixed feelings. There's a movie called Empire Falls that has great quote; "Lives are like rivers, eventually they go where they must." I don't think your faith is naive at all. It's gotten you this far, which is considerable. I'm a believer too; I mean, who really wants to believe we're doing this all alone? Hahaha Change is the essence of life it's just the feeling of everything happening all at once...I hit the pause button this week and took Friday off just because. I think it's the first time in adult, professional life that I took a day off just because I wanted it. It'll all happen as it's meant to. You're solid. Take care.
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