One thing that I have not taken the time to do, that I have always known would be good for me, is spend a long time with just myself. I had a total of twenty-four hours to do this this week, and I am amazed at how good it was for me.
During this full days worth of driving, I had ample time to get worked up, let my anger, exhaustion, frustration, sadness, and stress seep out through the cracks, leaving room for eventual relaxation. After an hour or two of driving through teary eyes, My body physically began to relax. I began to really enjoy the drive. The scenery became quite beautiful, and this helped quite a bit. After several hours of singing to the radio and thinking, I realized that I actually was quite happy with my life. This is a very important realization, because at one point I felt I many never be happy with my life again.
I had left on a Sunday, and Tuesday I finally caught up on all the sleep I had been missing. Monday night I had gone to bed pretty early, and slept through the entire mornings activities until Jacob woke me up at noon. I had been sleeping so well, not being the only person in the house makes a big difference. After nearly seven years of not being alone, it's a hard adjustment. Once I'd managed to fully wake up from my more than twelve hours of sleep, I felt pretty good, the least tired I'd been in months.
This small but beneficial vacation put me in a good place to deal with the drama I faced at home, which didn't take more than an hour to began after I had arrived.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Music
To all those out there who think nobody quite understands what you are going through, Pink does. The musician, that is - not the color. I have had her newest album "Funhouse" laying around my house for months now, and had never even opened it. When I found out I would be taking that road trip I put it onto my iPod. This woman has managed to put all of the confusing feelings of divorce onto one neatly packaged CD. Every one of these songs could have been written by me. Looking back on my posts, and through my journal, songs flow from the beginning of the end, through finding your own person.
This one, "MEAN" is how I began to feel while I was in Colorado, during the time he was planning his divorce from me:
You used to hold the door for me, now you can't wait to leave
You used to send flowers if you fucked up in my dreams
I used to make you laugh with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes and walk away and shake your head
And then shortly after that day,
How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
And this one, "One foot wrong" I can relate to for sure, and I know many of you can as well:
Am I sweating
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to talk me down
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
It's the despair that I felt, and the anger and the happiness at freedom...it's all found in this CD. I was driving along, somewhere between the California border and Flagstaff, Arizona that I set my iPod to this album. I began to cry somewhere in the middle of the first song. I cried through most of the album, but came out of it feeling better than ever. I must have played it through three or four times, and again on the way home.
Many of you have asked questions regarding a comment I made about how I have a constant running soundtrack through my head, and what songs would play during certain times. I have a good example of this, which I will post at a future date. Certain CD's however, ring relevant. LeAnn Womack's CD "I Hope you Dance" is another one, but it is rather depressing. I have tried to refrain from very sad, down songs, as I knew that my goal was to bring myself up, not allow myself to be dragged down even further.
This one, "MEAN" is how I began to feel while I was in Colorado, during the time he was planning his divorce from me:
You used to hold the door for me, now you can't wait to leave
You used to send flowers if you fucked up in my dreams
I used to make you laugh with all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes and walk away and shake your head
And then shortly after that day,
How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
And this one, "One foot wrong" I can relate to for sure, and I know many of you can as well:
Am I sweating
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to talk me down
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
It's the despair that I felt, and the anger and the happiness at freedom...it's all found in this CD. I was driving along, somewhere between the California border and Flagstaff, Arizona that I set my iPod to this album. I began to cry somewhere in the middle of the first song. I cried through most of the album, but came out of it feeling better than ever. I must have played it through three or four times, and again on the way home.
Many of you have asked questions regarding a comment I made about how I have a constant running soundtrack through my head, and what songs would play during certain times. I have a good example of this, which I will post at a future date. Certain CD's however, ring relevant. LeAnn Womack's CD "I Hope you Dance" is another one, but it is rather depressing. I have tried to refrain from very sad, down songs, as I knew that my goal was to bring myself up, not allow myself to be dragged down even further.
Friday, January 22, 2010
stressed...but better
I am much, much better than I was the last time I posted. No longer am I bothered by what went on that Friday, and I am eating and am not nearly so dehydrated. I finally told some friends that I saw him, in an effort to distract my friend who is going through her own divorce.
It's rough, helping another friend through her divorce when I am so recently out of mine. I am trying to remember all that I wished I had in a friend, and be that person. I'm really stressed, though. It is emotionally exhausting reliving all those emotions and feelings I had in the beginning, with my friend. I have barely gotten any sleep in the past week, though I have not been to work since Monday. By the time I do get to lay down, my mind won't shut down, and I have to repeatedly remind myself that these feelings are for her divorce, not my own. in a nutshell, I am not quite ready for this kind of trial. With no option to just quit and walk away, as I would never, ever do that to a friend, I am just sucking it up and doing the best I can.
I had the opportunity to eat with two people today. For lunch I met my friends dad, who acts as my dad, as my real one lives far away and is not up to the challenge. We talked for a couple of hours, about my divorce, about my friends, and just life in general. I really enjoy those talks. He has an interesting outlook on life, one that I do not always see on my own. He has much belief in me and my capabilities to have a good life, and it's nice to be reminded of those things every once in a while.
I met another friend of mine for dinner, we always take each other out to dinner at this particular pizza buffet for birthdays. Mine is a week from Sunday, but next week is looking to be hectic. It was nice to not talk about divorces, or guys, or drama. We just gabbed about everything else - clothes, hair, school and work. True girl talk. It was quite relaxing, just what I needed to face the night ahead of me.
My friend going through her divorce had informed me that she was just staying home tonight and I was glad for her - this proves she is moving along in the grieving process. About 8:30 she texts asking if I can come over. Not a good sign. On my way I got stuck, as the roads were flooded due to massive amounts of rain we are experiencing right now. I sat there for a good half hour trying to get through the detour. I texted Jacob and asked him to call her, but she didn't want to talk to him. I finally arrived and she was in pieces on the floor. What a familiar scene. Trying not to lose it myself I did what I could to console her, and eventually got her talking. I can tell when enough is enough and after a good venting and grieving session, I got her laughing. Finally she called Jacob back which gave me a break and I was able to collect myself. I feel like my guard is up, like if I let myself really feel for her the way I usually do for friends, I might lose it myself. I can't do that because who would take care of both of us? It's a long night when I am trying to be there for her but trying to protect myself.
I was home by midnight tonight, earlier than usual. When you are going through a divorce, NyQuil is your friend. It is not good to rely on drugs to help you all the time. But when you are in such a state of grief, you need all the energy you can get. I can remember weeks where I would go three or four nights barely sleeping, just drifting but no deep sleep. It's like every time I tried to relax, something in me would purposely think of the misery I felt, and it would wake me right up again. Those days were the worst. No food for fuel, no sleep for energy. I was a zombie. It was an effort just to get words in the right order to form a sentence. Those days I didn't go anywhere, do anything. I just wandered the house, for who knows what, a better life? It was no way to get better. Once I started using aids to sleep, that habit was broken and after a couple of weeks I no longer needed help, I could sleep through the night.
So she took some NyQuil and I sat with her until she fell asleep. And here I am, my brain running a thousand miles a minute, one in the morning, wide awake.
I need to de-stress. I have to do something to calm myself down soon or...or...I actually don't know what. Probably nothing would happen I would just be miserable. I want to be outside but it's pouring torrential rains. I may go for a run tomorrow anyhow. I used to love the feeling of the rain pelting my face for mile after mile, when I ran in Washington state. Those were some of the best times. I may get to drive to New Mexico to help out Jacob over the weekend. That would be welcome, many hours alone in the car with my iPod. That would be a wonderful de-stresser.
It's rough, helping another friend through her divorce when I am so recently out of mine. I am trying to remember all that I wished I had in a friend, and be that person. I'm really stressed, though. It is emotionally exhausting reliving all those emotions and feelings I had in the beginning, with my friend. I have barely gotten any sleep in the past week, though I have not been to work since Monday. By the time I do get to lay down, my mind won't shut down, and I have to repeatedly remind myself that these feelings are for her divorce, not my own. in a nutshell, I am not quite ready for this kind of trial. With no option to just quit and walk away, as I would never, ever do that to a friend, I am just sucking it up and doing the best I can.
I had the opportunity to eat with two people today. For lunch I met my friends dad, who acts as my dad, as my real one lives far away and is not up to the challenge. We talked for a couple of hours, about my divorce, about my friends, and just life in general. I really enjoy those talks. He has an interesting outlook on life, one that I do not always see on my own. He has much belief in me and my capabilities to have a good life, and it's nice to be reminded of those things every once in a while.
I met another friend of mine for dinner, we always take each other out to dinner at this particular pizza buffet for birthdays. Mine is a week from Sunday, but next week is looking to be hectic. It was nice to not talk about divorces, or guys, or drama. We just gabbed about everything else - clothes, hair, school and work. True girl talk. It was quite relaxing, just what I needed to face the night ahead of me.
My friend going through her divorce had informed me that she was just staying home tonight and I was glad for her - this proves she is moving along in the grieving process. About 8:30 she texts asking if I can come over. Not a good sign. On my way I got stuck, as the roads were flooded due to massive amounts of rain we are experiencing right now. I sat there for a good half hour trying to get through the detour. I texted Jacob and asked him to call her, but she didn't want to talk to him. I finally arrived and she was in pieces on the floor. What a familiar scene. Trying not to lose it myself I did what I could to console her, and eventually got her talking. I can tell when enough is enough and after a good venting and grieving session, I got her laughing. Finally she called Jacob back which gave me a break and I was able to collect myself. I feel like my guard is up, like if I let myself really feel for her the way I usually do for friends, I might lose it myself. I can't do that because who would take care of both of us? It's a long night when I am trying to be there for her but trying to protect myself.
I was home by midnight tonight, earlier than usual. When you are going through a divorce, NyQuil is your friend. It is not good to rely on drugs to help you all the time. But when you are in such a state of grief, you need all the energy you can get. I can remember weeks where I would go three or four nights barely sleeping, just drifting but no deep sleep. It's like every time I tried to relax, something in me would purposely think of the misery I felt, and it would wake me right up again. Those days were the worst. No food for fuel, no sleep for energy. I was a zombie. It was an effort just to get words in the right order to form a sentence. Those days I didn't go anywhere, do anything. I just wandered the house, for who knows what, a better life? It was no way to get better. Once I started using aids to sleep, that habit was broken and after a couple of weeks I no longer needed help, I could sleep through the night.
So she took some NyQuil and I sat with her until she fell asleep. And here I am, my brain running a thousand miles a minute, one in the morning, wide awake.
I need to de-stress. I have to do something to calm myself down soon or...or...I actually don't know what. Probably nothing would happen I would just be miserable. I want to be outside but it's pouring torrential rains. I may go for a run tomorrow anyhow. I used to love the feeling of the rain pelting my face for mile after mile, when I ran in Washington state. Those were some of the best times. I may get to drive to New Mexico to help out Jacob over the weekend. That would be welcome, many hours alone in the car with my iPod. That would be a wonderful de-stresser.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
NOT ready for this
My best friend sent me a text today. It read, "Please come over." Upon arriving at her house, I find out her husband asked for a divorce. Whoa. that hit really close to home. I fought tears as I listened to her describe the conversation with her husband. It hurt, listening to her recount. It brought back memories of when I received the divorce talk. I felt for her, tried to remember what I needed the most on that day. I remembered wanting somebody to hold me. I remembered wanting to know what to expect. I gave a little of both, knowing she already felt overwhelmed.
I know better than any of our circle what she is going through. I need to be there for her, she needs me. That was evident when she chose to call me, and tell nobody else. But I'm not ready for this. It feels so much like going through it all over again. It's too soon. This sounds horrible and selfish, but I'm worried about what this will do to me, and my recovery. There is no question, I will be there for her every step of the way. She will need somebody there for her, and I know firsthand the others are only mildly reliable. She needs a stable friendship and I can provide that.
I was thankful that I held back the tears until I left. Once in the car however, waterworks. I'm getting rather tired of the tears, I will be glad when they dry up. I thought I might appreciate having somebody in the same boat as me to spend the rough days with. I don't think I am. It just causes more hard days. This will be difficult for both of us.
I am so dehydrated from the crying. I havn't been able to eat much either. I threw up most of what I have eaten. This is a bad sign. I really don't want to get back into that routine. I am already back at my lowest weight, what I was at the first time I weighed myself after the day. I'm forcing myself to drink water, even though that gives me more to throw up. I'm hoping my body will absorb at least some of it.
I am nearly out of the fog that I got in on Saturday. I no longer think about him all day, though it still upsets me every once in a while. Time heals. But I'm angry now. Really, really angry. How dare he tell me our whole marriage that I would not be a good mom. That he wouldn't trust me with his children. how dare he tell me he doesn't care if I find his mustache unattractive, that he will keep it. how dare he tell me he isn't in love with me, or even like me. How dare he do all these things for this girl. How dare he hurt me like that. how dare he make me feel unlovable and unattractive. How dare he expect me to be happy for his now found love. How. Dare. He.
I know better than any of our circle what she is going through. I need to be there for her, she needs me. That was evident when she chose to call me, and tell nobody else. But I'm not ready for this. It feels so much like going through it all over again. It's too soon. This sounds horrible and selfish, but I'm worried about what this will do to me, and my recovery. There is no question, I will be there for her every step of the way. She will need somebody there for her, and I know firsthand the others are only mildly reliable. She needs a stable friendship and I can provide that.
I was thankful that I held back the tears until I left. Once in the car however, waterworks. I'm getting rather tired of the tears, I will be glad when they dry up. I thought I might appreciate having somebody in the same boat as me to spend the rough days with. I don't think I am. It just causes more hard days. This will be difficult for both of us.
I am so dehydrated from the crying. I havn't been able to eat much either. I threw up most of what I have eaten. This is a bad sign. I really don't want to get back into that routine. I am already back at my lowest weight, what I was at the first time I weighed myself after the day. I'm forcing myself to drink water, even though that gives me more to throw up. I'm hoping my body will absorb at least some of it.
I am nearly out of the fog that I got in on Saturday. I no longer think about him all day, though it still upsets me every once in a while. Time heals. But I'm angry now. Really, really angry. How dare he tell me our whole marriage that I would not be a good mom. That he wouldn't trust me with his children. how dare he tell me he doesn't care if I find his mustache unattractive, that he will keep it. how dare he tell me he isn't in love with me, or even like me. How dare he do all these things for this girl. How dare he hurt me like that. how dare he make me feel unlovable and unattractive. How dare he expect me to be happy for his now found love. How. Dare. He.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
of sadness, getting better
I never should have let him sit down. I am kicking myself repeatedly for this. It was so easy, to have the conversation, to talk with him. But I don't need that. I have friends, most of the time. While I know it was stupid, I also know it was really good for me. I just lit into him, told him all the angry things I had not said, didn't say because I didn't want to hurt him. But he hurt me. And I am not usually like that, but his hurting me caused me to not care if I hurt him. I feel a little bad now, but not that much. He listened as I cried, and told him how angry I was. As he left, he promised never to do this again. And I believe him. I have to, because it will keep in my mind that this will never happen again, and will give me the strength to say no next time. I will know he doesn't want this either.
I was in a really bad fog yesterday, I'm not even sure how I made it through the day. I had to read the blogs I posted because I didn't remember what or if I said anything. I couldn't find any friends to be with me, I spent the day crying. I left for work and somehow made it through there, though goodness knows how. Once home, I attempted to watch a movie but it was stupid so I took a sleeping pill and went to bed around midnight. I should have been tired enough to speel without one, having only gotten 4 hours of sleep before, but I wanted it to shut off my mind.
I was woken at eleven this morning by a friend who wanted to go to lunch. It was a good start to my day, I didn't have time to wallow before I had to head out the door. I haven't been alone since then, until now. My friend knows something is wrong I think, but she isn't asking. I'm not telling, either. I feel stupid going to my friends when it was my own damn fault. I mentioned it to my stepmom, because she has been through divorces and I thought she might understand, and she tells me, "oh honey it's okay it's called lonliness sex." There was no sex, I informed her. She then says, "well, why the hell did you let him stay then?" It wouldn't have been for the sex that is for sure. The sex in our marriage was terrible.
I feel good about handling it by myself. I have learned to do everything else by myself. I don't consider myself a strong person, but sometimes I have random bouts of it. I don't feel as bad as yesterday, even as I am sitting here alone. I think the crying is over, though if I went to tell anybody the story I am pretty sure I would lose it again. That would just make the other person feel awkward so I won't be doing that.
I was in a really bad fog yesterday, I'm not even sure how I made it through the day. I had to read the blogs I posted because I didn't remember what or if I said anything. I couldn't find any friends to be with me, I spent the day crying. I left for work and somehow made it through there, though goodness knows how. Once home, I attempted to watch a movie but it was stupid so I took a sleeping pill and went to bed around midnight. I should have been tired enough to speel without one, having only gotten 4 hours of sleep before, but I wanted it to shut off my mind.
I was woken at eleven this morning by a friend who wanted to go to lunch. It was a good start to my day, I didn't have time to wallow before I had to head out the door. I haven't been alone since then, until now. My friend knows something is wrong I think, but she isn't asking. I'm not telling, either. I feel stupid going to my friends when it was my own damn fault. I mentioned it to my stepmom, because she has been through divorces and I thought she might understand, and she tells me, "oh honey it's okay it's called lonliness sex." There was no sex, I informed her. She then says, "well, why the hell did you let him stay then?" It wouldn't have been for the sex that is for sure. The sex in our marriage was terrible.
I feel good about handling it by myself. I have learned to do everything else by myself. I don't consider myself a strong person, but sometimes I have random bouts of it. I don't feel as bad as yesterday, even as I am sitting here alone. I think the crying is over, though if I went to tell anybody the story I am pretty sure I would lose it again. That would just make the other person feel awkward so I won't be doing that.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
lets make it a good one
If I am going to be upset today, I might as well get it all out. No sense in dragging these feelings out over the next few weeks. Do it now, get it over with, move on. Learn from it. I am scared. I feel a fog, similar though not quite as strong as the one I was in in the beginning. Have I just lost all the ground I made? Am I not really as well adjusted as I thought I was? I'll have to wait and see. But I am scared.
I hate crying. More than that though, I realize I hate crying alone. I cried last night when he was here. I am glad for one thing though, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO HOLD ME. That is a big deal. I used to still want that from him, want that safety. He mentioned he was fighting the urge to give me a hug. I asked him to please not. I worried he would. He did not. He understood, and I am thankful for that.
But I do want somebody to hold me. Not him, but somebody. I long for that feeling of safety and comfort. I long for somebody to make me feel loved. I don't like this feeling of alone. I don't want to feel alone any longer. I have friends, and they are great. I do not have any I can cry to, though. It would be awkward for them, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with most of them. I don't know what this says about me, I have examined it many times, but this feeling is the same one I have about girl hugs. Crying to a girlfriend soemtiems happens. But it lacks that security and comfort that comes with being held in a mans arms. Friend, lover, otherwise. It makes no difference. There is just something about it that I long for...my analytical mind can't figure this one out.
I have to work this evening and I just hope that I can make it through. I texted a friend, asking to not be alone for the next two hours until I leave. She has not replied, and I am deciding if I can hold myself together long enough to call her on the phone. I have not felt like this in a long time. It is miserable. But it is good for me, as long as I learn from it, let the feelings release in their time, and move on when it is over.
I guess it's time to call my friend. Some days, I just can't do it alone.
I hate crying. More than that though, I realize I hate crying alone. I cried last night when he was here. I am glad for one thing though, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO HOLD ME. That is a big deal. I used to still want that from him, want that safety. He mentioned he was fighting the urge to give me a hug. I asked him to please not. I worried he would. He did not. He understood, and I am thankful for that.
But I do want somebody to hold me. Not him, but somebody. I long for that feeling of safety and comfort. I long for somebody to make me feel loved. I don't like this feeling of alone. I don't want to feel alone any longer. I have friends, and they are great. I do not have any I can cry to, though. It would be awkward for them, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with most of them. I don't know what this says about me, I have examined it many times, but this feeling is the same one I have about girl hugs. Crying to a girlfriend soemtiems happens. But it lacks that security and comfort that comes with being held in a mans arms. Friend, lover, otherwise. It makes no difference. There is just something about it that I long for...my analytical mind can't figure this one out.
I have to work this evening and I just hope that I can make it through. I texted a friend, asking to not be alone for the next two hours until I leave. She has not replied, and I am deciding if I can hold myself together long enough to call her on the phone. I have not felt like this in a long time. It is miserable. But it is good for me, as long as I learn from it, let the feelings release in their time, and move on when it is over.
I guess it's time to call my friend. Some days, I just can't do it alone.
of making stupid moves, instead of avoiding them
I say on a regular basis that I try to avoid stupid moves. This mantra has served me well, kept me out of trouble on numerous occasions. I was unable to do this last night, however I knew I wouldn't have the strength to avoid this stupid move before it even happened.
My car registration went to his house, and he had some pictures of mine. He offered to bring them by after I got off work around eleven. At 11:15 he came by, bearing McDonald's. I was grateful for the food as I was starving. Here was my stupid move: I motioned for him to sit down. We began to talk, he told me about his road trip to Arizona, I told him about mine up the coast. Even as I am talking to him I am thinking to myself, "why are you telling him these things about you? STOP!" But I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why and I hate myself now for it.
The conversation flows easily as it does between two people who once were close but have been apart for quite some time. He began to tell me about this girl. The same one who dumped him and broke his heart before. She's back, and it's only him. Or was anyhow. He fell in love with her daughter, realized he wanted to have children. He realized he was in love with her. I heard about how she keeps pushing him away, and he keeps coming back. I heard about how she hasn't called him in two weeks.
He shaved his mustache. I tried and tried to get him to shave it for years, in our marriage. He looks terrible with one. She got him to shave it. She...got everything I couldn't have.
I still feel strongly that I don't want him, the damage is irreparable that he has caused me and I can't stand the thought of being with him. So why does it burt so, so, so badly? It hurts with this deep ache that has wracked my body in sobs for the last hour. Why? Why does he want everything with her that I wanted with him? How can he love her like this, and never feel that way about me? How can he love her as a mother when he looked at me and decided that I should never be one? How can he take what she says with respect, when he had none for me? What was so wrong with me?
I have so many tears I cannot even see what I am writing. the night was not all about this girl. I voiced a lot of anger I felt towards him, and that felt really good.
I am angry, I told him. I feel that I am not a vengeful person, that with the people I care about I never want them to hurt, and will give anything of myself to keep them from hurting. But towards him, I feel things I never want to feel towards a person. It's not fair, I told him, that I loved you and I worked to keep you and tried to be what you wanted so you would love me. I gave up me, all of who I am for you. I spent six years trying to make you happy. And now, now that I am free, I want to be happy. And it's not fair that I am hurting so badly and you did not hurt. You are happy, and in love, and you have not even begun to feel the pain and sorrow, that sorrow that grows from deep in your chest and aches and binds and flows out in sobs so hard I can't breathe. It's not fair that I was the one who worked and tried while you did nothing and now you don't hurt at all. When is it my turn to be happy? I want you to hurt as badly as I did, to feel what you have done to me.
I do believe he is truly sorry for what he has put me through this. And I do understand that it was necessary and the pain was unavoidable. He did not come over to talk about his girlfriend. he did not come over to hurt me. And not all of the conversation did hurt me. He was there until six-thirty in the morning. He does not mean to hurt me any longer. But he still does.
My car registration went to his house, and he had some pictures of mine. He offered to bring them by after I got off work around eleven. At 11:15 he came by, bearing McDonald's. I was grateful for the food as I was starving. Here was my stupid move: I motioned for him to sit down. We began to talk, he told me about his road trip to Arizona, I told him about mine up the coast. Even as I am talking to him I am thinking to myself, "why are you telling him these things about you? STOP!" But I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know why and I hate myself now for it.
The conversation flows easily as it does between two people who once were close but have been apart for quite some time. He began to tell me about this girl. The same one who dumped him and broke his heart before. She's back, and it's only him. Or was anyhow. He fell in love with her daughter, realized he wanted to have children. He realized he was in love with her. I heard about how she keeps pushing him away, and he keeps coming back. I heard about how she hasn't called him in two weeks.
He shaved his mustache. I tried and tried to get him to shave it for years, in our marriage. He looks terrible with one. She got him to shave it. She...got everything I couldn't have.
I still feel strongly that I don't want him, the damage is irreparable that he has caused me and I can't stand the thought of being with him. So why does it burt so, so, so badly? It hurts with this deep ache that has wracked my body in sobs for the last hour. Why? Why does he want everything with her that I wanted with him? How can he love her like this, and never feel that way about me? How can he love her as a mother when he looked at me and decided that I should never be one? How can he take what she says with respect, when he had none for me? What was so wrong with me?
I have so many tears I cannot even see what I am writing. the night was not all about this girl. I voiced a lot of anger I felt towards him, and that felt really good.
I am angry, I told him. I feel that I am not a vengeful person, that with the people I care about I never want them to hurt, and will give anything of myself to keep them from hurting. But towards him, I feel things I never want to feel towards a person. It's not fair, I told him, that I loved you and I worked to keep you and tried to be what you wanted so you would love me. I gave up me, all of who I am for you. I spent six years trying to make you happy. And now, now that I am free, I want to be happy. And it's not fair that I am hurting so badly and you did not hurt. You are happy, and in love, and you have not even begun to feel the pain and sorrow, that sorrow that grows from deep in your chest and aches and binds and flows out in sobs so hard I can't breathe. It's not fair that I was the one who worked and tried while you did nothing and now you don't hurt at all. When is it my turn to be happy? I want you to hurt as badly as I did, to feel what you have done to me.
I do believe he is truly sorry for what he has put me through this. And I do understand that it was necessary and the pain was unavoidable. He did not come over to talk about his girlfriend. he did not come over to hurt me. And not all of the conversation did hurt me. He was there until six-thirty in the morning. He does not mean to hurt me any longer. But he still does.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
scary movies and blind dates
I have a good friend of mine, whom I have known for several months now. We have become pretty close friends and I hang out with him on a regular basis. I received a call from him last night asking if i would come watch Stepfather with him. Stepfather is a suspense/thriller movie, and I do not like scary movies. I take that back, I like scary movies, but they TERRIFY me. So I have two rules, both of which must be followed if I watch a scary movie with you. 1. You must be bigger than I am, so that I can cling to you and hide behind you during the particularly scary part. 2. You must be willing to let me stay the night with you, because otherwise I will lay awake all night being terrified. After being reassured that this criteria would be met, I agreed to come watch the movie.
This friend, I will call him Steve for the sake of this blog, is thankfully a big guy. Not fat, but has HUGE arm muscles and a chest too wide for many shirts. While muscles are not required, they do provide the size needed for hiding behind when people are being killed or stalked, which turned out to be quite handy because this movie was full of that. By the time we crawled in bed
- wait, let me point out that Steve is gay and I have not broken my decision to not sleep with anybody, for those of you who are keeping tabs, you know who you are -
By the time we crawled into his bed I was wide eyed and terrified. It took me hours to get to sleep during which Steve thankfully kept me entertained and distracted with stories of his remarkably interesting life. I finally slept but it was a fitful sleep and around four or five in the morning I was woken by concerned family members, and I dragged myself home and went back to bed, where I was woken promptly at 8:30 in the morning by a friend wanting to do our hair for the photos we were going to take that day.
Thus was the start of a crazy day.
I had a date. It was a blind date, set up by none other than Steve. it had taken me three weeks and prodding from many friends before I finally accepted the offer, and only then if I doubled with Steve and his boyfriend. Surprisingly enough, the fact that I was doubling with two men was not the strange part at all.
This date, we will call him Brian, Avoided every question I asked him. I asked what he did for a living. His reply: "Oh, don't worry darling, I make plenty of money." I stared dumbfound at him before trying to explain that I was actually trying to find out what he did, as he proceeded to explain that he had great hours, and not to worry he could always make time for me.
He then would ask a question about me, but before I had two words out he would touch my hair, or my arms and compliment me. By the time dinner was over, I knew nothing about him, and he nothing about me. I did however know plenty about Steve's boyfriends day at work.
After the movie we saw (Avatar. Awesome.) we went for ice cream. I thought, yay, this day is getting better, there's ice cream involved! Sadly, it did not. I had my butt grabbed, and then as a bulge grew in his pants he did nothing to hide it but in fact seemed to stick it out further, all the while moving closer to me while I moved further away. I eventually had to be saved by Steve.
IS THIS WHAT DATING IS ALL ABOUT??? If so, I can't handle it. I'd rather be an old spinster with a hundred cats and no electricity living atop a hill and washing my clothes in the sewer runoff that I think is a stream. All the way home I contemplated this evening. Was this guy for real? Was it a practical joke? Is this normal, and I can expect it from every guy I go on a date with? Is there just something wrong with me and I am just overreacting and this is how all guys are?
Thankfully, I have guy friends. The first thing I did was call up my friends who are married and visit them to tell them my story. They barely heard it through all the laughing. Glad my life is amusing. The husband told me that the guy was full of shit and that I should never expect or put up with that. In so many words. His way of talking is much more...crude. But it's funny.
In an effort to calm down I came home and brewed a cup of tea. I called up Jacob who is thankfully a voice of reason for me, although I don't think he realizes that his opinions are usually good ones. I did not have plans to tell him of my date in an effort to just let it go, but in telling the course of my terrible day I ended up once again relating the story. "Am I overreacting here?" I asked, trying desperately to grasp where on the scale of dating this one fell. I was assured, albeit through laughter, that I was not. It was explained to me that this guy did pretty much everything wrong. This leads me to think that maybe, just maybe, there can be better dates in the future. Waaaaayyyyy in the future, I think. But maybe.
This friend, I will call him Steve for the sake of this blog, is thankfully a big guy. Not fat, but has HUGE arm muscles and a chest too wide for many shirts. While muscles are not required, they do provide the size needed for hiding behind when people are being killed or stalked, which turned out to be quite handy because this movie was full of that. By the time we crawled in bed
- wait, let me point out that Steve is gay and I have not broken my decision to not sleep with anybody, for those of you who are keeping tabs, you know who you are -
By the time we crawled into his bed I was wide eyed and terrified. It took me hours to get to sleep during which Steve thankfully kept me entertained and distracted with stories of his remarkably interesting life. I finally slept but it was a fitful sleep and around four or five in the morning I was woken by concerned family members, and I dragged myself home and went back to bed, where I was woken promptly at 8:30 in the morning by a friend wanting to do our hair for the photos we were going to take that day.
Thus was the start of a crazy day.
I had a date. It was a blind date, set up by none other than Steve. it had taken me three weeks and prodding from many friends before I finally accepted the offer, and only then if I doubled with Steve and his boyfriend. Surprisingly enough, the fact that I was doubling with two men was not the strange part at all.
This date, we will call him Brian, Avoided every question I asked him. I asked what he did for a living. His reply: "Oh, don't worry darling, I make plenty of money." I stared dumbfound at him before trying to explain that I was actually trying to find out what he did, as he proceeded to explain that he had great hours, and not to worry he could always make time for me.
He then would ask a question about me, but before I had two words out he would touch my hair, or my arms and compliment me. By the time dinner was over, I knew nothing about him, and he nothing about me. I did however know plenty about Steve's boyfriends day at work.
After the movie we saw (Avatar. Awesome.) we went for ice cream. I thought, yay, this day is getting better, there's ice cream involved! Sadly, it did not. I had my butt grabbed, and then as a bulge grew in his pants he did nothing to hide it but in fact seemed to stick it out further, all the while moving closer to me while I moved further away. I eventually had to be saved by Steve.
IS THIS WHAT DATING IS ALL ABOUT??? If so, I can't handle it. I'd rather be an old spinster with a hundred cats and no electricity living atop a hill and washing my clothes in the sewer runoff that I think is a stream. All the way home I contemplated this evening. Was this guy for real? Was it a practical joke? Is this normal, and I can expect it from every guy I go on a date with? Is there just something wrong with me and I am just overreacting and this is how all guys are?
Thankfully, I have guy friends. The first thing I did was call up my friends who are married and visit them to tell them my story. They barely heard it through all the laughing. Glad my life is amusing. The husband told me that the guy was full of shit and that I should never expect or put up with that. In so many words. His way of talking is much more...crude. But it's funny.
In an effort to calm down I came home and brewed a cup of tea. I called up Jacob who is thankfully a voice of reason for me, although I don't think he realizes that his opinions are usually good ones. I did not have plans to tell him of my date in an effort to just let it go, but in telling the course of my terrible day I ended up once again relating the story. "Am I overreacting here?" I asked, trying desperately to grasp where on the scale of dating this one fell. I was assured, albeit through laughter, that I was not. It was explained to me that this guy did pretty much everything wrong. This leads me to think that maybe, just maybe, there can be better dates in the future. Waaaaayyyyy in the future, I think. But maybe.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
i have a date
I've been resisting and resisting, and I realize that I can't hide forever. As much as I want to move on and enter the part where I am single and dating...I'm terrified. So this guy I know, he knows a man who is out of a marriage 2 years, and says he's perfect yadda yadda... long story short after three weeks me me ho humming and hedging...I agreed to go out with this guy. I refused to go alone, so I am doubling with my friend and his boyfriend, just to make matters more interesting.
Why am I doing this? Because I need to. I need to dip my toes in the water and ignore the fact that it is freezing and just slide on in. I'm not good at this. I wasn't as a teenager, and I am pretty sure I will be no better this time around. I always feel a bit awkward, I find it hard to relax and just enjoy the evening. Plus, I never have a clue if a guy likes me or not. This has apparently caused frustration in guys int he past who are interested in me and I'm still acting like we are just friends because I don't notice the signs, and they think I am trying to make it clear I am not interested. Pretty much, if they aren't blunt about it I don't realize it. And by blunt, I mean trying to kiss me or outright saying they like me more than just a friend...I'm just that clueless.
These things make dating frustrating, you can't imagine my elation once I was married and thought I would never have to go through that again. Here I am. It's depressing and honestly a little frustrating. I'm just going to have to find a guy who is willing to be patient with me, and easy going and persistent.
So, I'm going out tomorrow, and I am trying hard not to stress. I refuse to freak out over what I wear, or if my jeans make my butt look bad. I'm considering this a practice round, and if things work out so be it but I'm not looking for anything with this guy. I need to keep the stress down so that I do not screw it all up. Breathe in...breathe out....
Why am I doing this? Because I need to. I need to dip my toes in the water and ignore the fact that it is freezing and just slide on in. I'm not good at this. I wasn't as a teenager, and I am pretty sure I will be no better this time around. I always feel a bit awkward, I find it hard to relax and just enjoy the evening. Plus, I never have a clue if a guy likes me or not. This has apparently caused frustration in guys int he past who are interested in me and I'm still acting like we are just friends because I don't notice the signs, and they think I am trying to make it clear I am not interested. Pretty much, if they aren't blunt about it I don't realize it. And by blunt, I mean trying to kiss me or outright saying they like me more than just a friend...I'm just that clueless.
These things make dating frustrating, you can't imagine my elation once I was married and thought I would never have to go through that again. Here I am. It's depressing and honestly a little frustrating. I'm just going to have to find a guy who is willing to be patient with me, and easy going and persistent.
So, I'm going out tomorrow, and I am trying hard not to stress. I refuse to freak out over what I wear, or if my jeans make my butt look bad. I'm considering this a practice round, and if things work out so be it but I'm not looking for anything with this guy. I need to keep the stress down so that I do not screw it all up. Breathe in...breathe out....
Monday, January 11, 2010
it's all in how you look at it
01.11.10
I am a firm believer that a person’s happiness depends on their perspective. How you look at a situation determines how you will fare afterward. Two people can have the same situation occur and one could be quite happy and the other extremely miserable depending on how they look at it. Example:
Negative: My ex left me to find someone better. I wasted over six years of my life on someone that betrayed me. I don’t have the security of a partnership, and the life I envisioned is over. I am a failure. I will never have a 50 year anniversary now. I am alone and probably always will be….
Positive: My ex left me for something less. I have gained experience and wisdom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I am independent and have choices. I have a second chance to be happy. I don’t know if that means in a relationship of alone, but it is up to me to find that happiness…
It was really hard to be positive in the beginning. When I was so negative, it was so easy to just continue being negative. I had to fight to find something positive. It took a huge effort to do so. Now, it is once again second nature to me to look for positives in the situation first, negative last. As I started to feel better with my new outlook, I regained that positive attitude I had before. It is healing for me. One of the biggest steps in the healing process, actually.
Don’t be fooled though, I still have my negative moments. We have seen them here in some of my posts. I give myself a little pep talk and point out to myself all the positives in my life. At one time, early on, the only thing good I might be able to find was that I didn’t cry that day. Or that I was able to sing along with three songs on the radio before bursting into tears, for a couple of minutes I wasn’t in pain. I was reaching deep to find positives then.
People kept telling me things will get better with time. I am not good at waiting though, and I wanted to feel better now, not “in time”. I needed to go through the process, I needed to grow as a person and heal the right way, I still do. I didn’t want to heal on the outside and have this boiling wound on the inside that would open up one day and spread infection over everything. I keep picking at it to see if it still hurts, and if it shows signs of healing. So I hurt as bad as I did last week? Last month?
Five months does make an incredible difference in how you feel. I still check my wounds for signs of infection and healing. It’s a gauge to see how I am progressing through this process. Am I getting better If not, I figure out what I need to do to get there.
When this happened within a week I realized I needed to go to counseling. I realized I could not handle this one alone. I learned to lean on my friends, something I had not done before. I leaned to accept help where I needed it. I realized that it takes more strength to speak up and say, I need some help than it does to ignore it and brush it under the rug and pretend there are no issues. It takes an incredible amount of strength to face issues head on and deal with them.
I am a firm believer that a person’s happiness depends on their perspective. How you look at a situation determines how you will fare afterward. Two people can have the same situation occur and one could be quite happy and the other extremely miserable depending on how they look at it. Example:
Negative: My ex left me to find someone better. I wasted over six years of my life on someone that betrayed me. I don’t have the security of a partnership, and the life I envisioned is over. I am a failure. I will never have a 50 year anniversary now. I am alone and probably always will be….
Positive: My ex left me for something less. I have gained experience and wisdom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I am independent and have choices. I have a second chance to be happy. I don’t know if that means in a relationship of alone, but it is up to me to find that happiness…
It was really hard to be positive in the beginning. When I was so negative, it was so easy to just continue being negative. I had to fight to find something positive. It took a huge effort to do so. Now, it is once again second nature to me to look for positives in the situation first, negative last. As I started to feel better with my new outlook, I regained that positive attitude I had before. It is healing for me. One of the biggest steps in the healing process, actually.
Don’t be fooled though, I still have my negative moments. We have seen them here in some of my posts. I give myself a little pep talk and point out to myself all the positives in my life. At one time, early on, the only thing good I might be able to find was that I didn’t cry that day. Or that I was able to sing along with three songs on the radio before bursting into tears, for a couple of minutes I wasn’t in pain. I was reaching deep to find positives then.
People kept telling me things will get better with time. I am not good at waiting though, and I wanted to feel better now, not “in time”. I needed to go through the process, I needed to grow as a person and heal the right way, I still do. I didn’t want to heal on the outside and have this boiling wound on the inside that would open up one day and spread infection over everything. I keep picking at it to see if it still hurts, and if it shows signs of healing. So I hurt as bad as I did last week? Last month?
Five months does make an incredible difference in how you feel. I still check my wounds for signs of infection and healing. It’s a gauge to see how I am progressing through this process. Am I getting better If not, I figure out what I need to do to get there.
When this happened within a week I realized I needed to go to counseling. I realized I could not handle this one alone. I learned to lean on my friends, something I had not done before. I leaned to accept help where I needed it. I realized that it takes more strength to speak up and say, I need some help than it does to ignore it and brush it under the rug and pretend there are no issues. It takes an incredible amount of strength to face issues head on and deal with them.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
hard days ahead, but freedom to follow
It's been a slow week for me, and I have had a lot of time to just be and reflect on many things. I have received my final divorce date, February 20th. This will be an extremely difficult day, as it will be full of mixed emotions. On one hand, it marks the end of my marriage, legally and completely. This is very sad to me that it had to come to this. It's been a difficult journey getting over him, and then working through getting over the relationship.
I received the paperwork in the mail on the 2nd, but have hesitated writing about it because I wanted to be sure my mind was clear on the subject. While this blog has been very candid and true to life, and I want it to be that way so people can see the true journey through a divorce, I do on occasion look back on a post and think, "wow, I was having a bad day when I wrote that," or "goodness I seem [depressed] [unsure] [moody]" when I am really not that way usually. As important as I feel it is to chronicle these true to life feelings, I wanted to be careful about writing on this topic, so there is no question as to how I feel or how I am handling the situation.
I am happy to be single again, to be free to date others and possibly eventually meet a man who will really love me, and with whom I can be happy with forever. I am happy that he no longer will have to feel the oppressing weight of being married to me. I am truly happy with single life, and with myself. Looking back, I feel I have exceptionally well at balancing my sometimes over rational mind with my irrational feelings. I have come out of this healthy and ready to face a new life.
I am sad that we could not make our marriage work. I am sad to be sleeping alone at night. I am sad to be losing the man I married, but not the man I divorced. I am sad that this marks the end of a 6 1/2 chapter in my life. I am just plain sad.
This day will be a hard one for me. I expect to not really know how to feel. I expect to need time alone, and time with people who love me. I expect to cry. I expect to smile. I hope to have a surrounding support, from those near and far. I expect to be excited, and scared.
I am having a divorce party. I thought long and hard about this. Should I celebrate such a failure? My stepmom offered to make me a cake. My friends want to gather. I decided I should do it. Not to celebrate my failure, but to celebrate the beginning of a much happier life. To celebrate what I am now free to do and be and become. To celebrate my new-found happiness. To celebrate the finding of the real me.
I will not spend it hating on him. I don't really want to spend it talking about him at all. I don't even want to think of him, though that will be inevitable. I want to spend it looking forward. Backward does me little good anymore, particularly for the purpose of a party.
There will be two hard days before then, however that I will have to get through first. My Birthday is on the 31st of this month. This was always the one day I wanted him to take me out, and spend his time and attention on me. My friends say they will gather to celebrate, and this will help but it will still be a sad day again, as reality that I am single is reinforced. This is expected, it's part of that "first year of firsts."
The other really really hard day, possibly harder than my divorce date where at least I will be looking forward, is Valentines day. For the last four years we have gone away and just spent time together in a hotel somewhere. Some of my best memories of our marriage are in hotels over Valentines day. I am going to have to be very creative to not allow this to become a pity party for me. All my friends will be out with their husbands, so surrounding myself will not be an option. This will be tough. I'm sure I can handle it, but it will be really, really rough.
To end this on a happy note, tonight I had a girls night. Four of us got together and watched "The Ugly Truth". Men out there reading this: is all he says there true? Great movie, but it made me nervous. I mentioned that to my girlfriends and they laughed at me and told me not to worry. But worrying is what I do best!
I am thankful to be able to have these girls nights, and to be able to just gab and eat ice cream and laugh. It's very different than when guys are around, and it is so relaxing. Girlfriends, cookie dough ice cream, and a chick flick. What a great night!
I received the paperwork in the mail on the 2nd, but have hesitated writing about it because I wanted to be sure my mind was clear on the subject. While this blog has been very candid and true to life, and I want it to be that way so people can see the true journey through a divorce, I do on occasion look back on a post and think, "wow, I was having a bad day when I wrote that," or "goodness I seem [depressed] [unsure] [moody]" when I am really not that way usually. As important as I feel it is to chronicle these true to life feelings, I wanted to be careful about writing on this topic, so there is no question as to how I feel or how I am handling the situation.
I am happy to be single again, to be free to date others and possibly eventually meet a man who will really love me, and with whom I can be happy with forever. I am happy that he no longer will have to feel the oppressing weight of being married to me. I am truly happy with single life, and with myself. Looking back, I feel I have exceptionally well at balancing my sometimes over rational mind with my irrational feelings. I have come out of this healthy and ready to face a new life.
I am sad that we could not make our marriage work. I am sad to be sleeping alone at night. I am sad to be losing the man I married, but not the man I divorced. I am sad that this marks the end of a 6 1/2 chapter in my life. I am just plain sad.
This day will be a hard one for me. I expect to not really know how to feel. I expect to need time alone, and time with people who love me. I expect to cry. I expect to smile. I hope to have a surrounding support, from those near and far. I expect to be excited, and scared.
I am having a divorce party. I thought long and hard about this. Should I celebrate such a failure? My stepmom offered to make me a cake. My friends want to gather. I decided I should do it. Not to celebrate my failure, but to celebrate the beginning of a much happier life. To celebrate what I am now free to do and be and become. To celebrate my new-found happiness. To celebrate the finding of the real me.
I will not spend it hating on him. I don't really want to spend it talking about him at all. I don't even want to think of him, though that will be inevitable. I want to spend it looking forward. Backward does me little good anymore, particularly for the purpose of a party.
There will be two hard days before then, however that I will have to get through first. My Birthday is on the 31st of this month. This was always the one day I wanted him to take me out, and spend his time and attention on me. My friends say they will gather to celebrate, and this will help but it will still be a sad day again, as reality that I am single is reinforced. This is expected, it's part of that "first year of firsts."
The other really really hard day, possibly harder than my divorce date where at least I will be looking forward, is Valentines day. For the last four years we have gone away and just spent time together in a hotel somewhere. Some of my best memories of our marriage are in hotels over Valentines day. I am going to have to be very creative to not allow this to become a pity party for me. All my friends will be out with their husbands, so surrounding myself will not be an option. This will be tough. I'm sure I can handle it, but it will be really, really rough.
To end this on a happy note, tonight I had a girls night. Four of us got together and watched "The Ugly Truth". Men out there reading this: is all he says there true? Great movie, but it made me nervous. I mentioned that to my girlfriends and they laughed at me and told me not to worry. But worrying is what I do best!
I am thankful to be able to have these girls nights, and to be able to just gab and eat ice cream and laugh. It's very different than when guys are around, and it is so relaxing. Girlfriends, cookie dough ice cream, and a chick flick. What a great night!
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Eve
01.01.10
I surprised myself this New Years Eve by choosing to stay at home by myself. I was exhausted from the holiday season being so busy, and the thought of a long night out with friends seemed like a chore more than a fun night. I had four options for the night: I could go out clubbing with work friends-that was instantly turned down. I could hang out at another work friends house and watch Paranormal Activity, but I hate scary movies and will only watch them if there is somebody I can cling to during the scary parts. Now that I am living alone, that poses another problem as I would be too scared to sleep alone that night. I could have gone to the family of a friend and played games all night, or gone to another friends house and watch movies. The moment I had texted everybody to say I wasn't coming was the best. Relief, actually. I was in for some much needed rest.
After picking up a pizza on the way home from work, I settled in to watch a movie. I chose a romantic comedy which probably wasn't my best choice seeing as how it was a holiday and all, but I really wanted to watch it.
I was in an iffy mood all evening. Holidays are hard, I hate being alone for them. They make me sad, having nobody special to share them with. I wasn't sure if the night would end in tears, as I really could have gone either way. By eleven that evening I was still doing okay, and was becoming proud of myself. I know there is nothing wrong with crying and letting feelings out, but it feels good when I don't need to, either. The closer it grew to midnight however, the more I wondered how long I could hold on. Around eleven-thirty Jacob called, and before I knew it was well after midnight and I had made it! With no trouble at all I went to sleep that night, and woke up feeling good. No tears, no wallowing in self-pity (one reason I seriously considered going out although I didn't want to) I was fine. Probably largely due to the fact that I was on the phone, but had I really been upset a phone call wouldn't have stopped me. I was proud of myself.
First holiday with no tears, a new hurdle crossed. Here's to 2010 and a year of new experiences and happiness.
I surprised myself this New Years Eve by choosing to stay at home by myself. I was exhausted from the holiday season being so busy, and the thought of a long night out with friends seemed like a chore more than a fun night. I had four options for the night: I could go out clubbing with work friends-that was instantly turned down. I could hang out at another work friends house and watch Paranormal Activity, but I hate scary movies and will only watch them if there is somebody I can cling to during the scary parts. Now that I am living alone, that poses another problem as I would be too scared to sleep alone that night. I could have gone to the family of a friend and played games all night, or gone to another friends house and watch movies. The moment I had texted everybody to say I wasn't coming was the best. Relief, actually. I was in for some much needed rest.
After picking up a pizza on the way home from work, I settled in to watch a movie. I chose a romantic comedy which probably wasn't my best choice seeing as how it was a holiday and all, but I really wanted to watch it.
I was in an iffy mood all evening. Holidays are hard, I hate being alone for them. They make me sad, having nobody special to share them with. I wasn't sure if the night would end in tears, as I really could have gone either way. By eleven that evening I was still doing okay, and was becoming proud of myself. I know there is nothing wrong with crying and letting feelings out, but it feels good when I don't need to, either. The closer it grew to midnight however, the more I wondered how long I could hold on. Around eleven-thirty Jacob called, and before I knew it was well after midnight and I had made it! With no trouble at all I went to sleep that night, and woke up feeling good. No tears, no wallowing in self-pity (one reason I seriously considered going out although I didn't want to) I was fine. Probably largely due to the fact that I was on the phone, but had I really been upset a phone call wouldn't have stopped me. I was proud of myself.
First holiday with no tears, a new hurdle crossed. Here's to 2010 and a year of new experiences and happiness.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)