most of all, I have learned...

The biggest thing I have learned from my divorce is that I will ALWAYS have more to learn. In the midst of my divorce I learned things about myself, and about others. I have learned about appreciation, and how to truly be grateful for those in my life. I’ve learned things I thought I already knew. I learned I didn’t know things I thought I did.

Divorce has benchmarked many challenges to come in my life. I can now look at experiences and think, “Hell, if I can get through a divorce, I can make it through nearly anything.” And it’s true. Life does go on, things do get better, but it didn’t always feel that way. I didn’t think life would ever be normal again. I didn’t think I could ever feel anything but sadness, sorrow, hopelessness and despair. I had to get used to telling people that I was divorced.

Now that the divorce is final I realize just how the term “divorce” marks me. For a couple of months I had a tan line on my finger where my rings used to be. When people asked, and I told them that I was divorced, they would look at me with those eyes of pity. “Poor thing,” people would say. “But you are so young and pretty, you will find a new guy in no time!” Like that could make it all better. I hated the looks of pity the most. I wanted to tell them, “Hey! I’m dealing with this the best way I can and I think it’s pretty good, so don’t feel sorry for me. Be happy for me, or proud of me, or laugh with me or cry with me but don’t feel sorry for me. That’s useless.”

I’ve learned that being divorced enters you into a sort of quiet club. There is an immediate bond shared by people who have been through a divorce. We can look at another person going through a divorce and instantly tell what stage of recovery they are in. You can feel their pain. They know yours. They understand that divorce is something you survive. You want to hold the new ones by the shoulders and quietly tell them that it will get better. Life will be happy again. YOU will be happy again. But you don’t because you know it will make no difference. They can’t understand it at that stage. They have to learn it on their own. They will be stronger for it.

Even though I have learned more of life’s lessons in six months than I have in my entire life, I know there is more to come personally, emotionally. I’ve learned more about life than any legit school could have taught me, going through a divorce is like enrolling in a crash course on emotional survival from the school of hard knocks. It’s just that there is no instructor, no textbook and no rules. For sure, no rules.

And the results are...

It's been a really busy week for me, but I thought I would put up an update before I head to work tonight. First the news you are waiting for ( know you are, my email inbox has never been so full): My date with the fireman. It was pretty good, well, really good actually. I'm not going to list a lot of details here out of respect for him, but I had a really good time. I was nervous, but he put me at ease really quickly. I discovered that the things I was worried I'd lost, or worse, never had, came back easily. Having not really dated in nearly eleven years, this is truly a whole new world for me. Being older, more mature, and realizing that anybody I date is pretty much a potential mate is a lot of pressure. As a teenager, dating is for fun, you don't care where it goes, and because you are experiencing the deepest feelings of your life, you are constantly "in love" with various guys. Now it's...too easy to find you don't like the guy and don't want to be there.

All the while, you have to be able to back-burner that knowledge because if  you don't dating would be this horrible uptight experience and none of us would ever make it past the first date. And I did that much more easily than I expected and found that I rather liked him. Please don't email me asking if this is "the one," It is ridiculously too early to tell, but for now I will have fun seeing him. I had been a little worried that he wouldn't call, but he did this afternoon after I got out of class and we set up another date.

The last week has been really stressful, starting with Saturday and it really has not stopped yet. Tuesday it felt like the world was caving in on top of me, Wednesday was good but I was out really late, about 2AM, and I had to be at work at five AM thursday. I had to go straight from there to my ex husbands house, which I was stressed over but en the end I came out feeling okay. From there to school and back home. A quick chat on the phone with Jacob, a visit with a friend and some dinner and off to bed. Shower, dress, repeat. I don't get off work until 10:30 tonight but I plan to come home and relax in my hammock, it's my favorite thing to do right now.

Even with being so busy, and the added stress of drama, life is still good. It's the life I've chosen. I've chosen to take on extra responsibilities. I've chosen to take 18 units at school. I've chosen to be there for my friends. I wouldn't have it any other way. I get my rewards.

I have learned...

3. How to forgive. I am actually still working on this one, but I have learned a lot. It was surprisingly easy to forgive him for leaving me. I didn't agree, I didn't want it and I was heartbroken, but I understood. I understood that he felt he was doing the right thing for himself, and I understood the fact that he just didn't love me anymore. I have a lot of respect for the people that can make that hard decision (though sometimes I think it was easy for him) that they know will be better for them. I forgave him. I had forgiven him before two weeks were up. I hated the situation, but I didn not hold hard feelings for him for it.

This recent time around, where he tells me all about his girlfriend, and how he will have children and a puppy and shaved his mustache...that was much much harder. The hurt and anger and anguish and bitterness ran deep, and wove around the fibers of my soul. Trying to untangle all that enough to rid myself of those feelings is really really difficult. I have managed to extract the largest of those fibers, reminding myself that those things were not the reason we broke up. Had he wanted those things within our marriage, it may have made it just that much harder to walk away. I have to remind myself that he does not mean to hurt me still. I have to remind myself that someday, I too will be so happy in a relationship that none of this will matter. I have to remind myself to have self confidence, and when that fog of unhappiness rolls in, to duck and not get caught up in it.

So most of the time I do not feel anger toward him anymore, I still understand why he felt he had to do what he did. I am still hurt, I still bleed salty tears every time one of those fibers is pulled from within me. But I forgive him. I forgive him for all that was done within our marriage. I forgive him for all the tears that were caused, the heartache and frustration and the anger that we each felt throughout our marriage. I forgive him for making me feel all the things I feel. I have realized that forgiveness doesn't mean that I don't hurt anymore, or that I won't wake up crying from time to time. It doesn't have to mean that I don't feel anger every now and again. It doesn't mean that I have to blame myself every time I am sad. It just means that I understand why. And I don't hold it against him in the long run of things. And I don't.

It's tonight...

My date with the fireman is tonight. I'm...nervous. I've gone through pretty much everything I own to wear, then decided that it wasn't worth the stress (it really hurts to get dressed and undressed a dozen times) and ended up choosing my favorite outfit since he probably won't notice anyhow.

School started last week, and I am crazy busy with homework for five classes. I should be reading the entire epic of Gilgamesh right now, but I'm taking a break. I have a 300 word essay due at eight o'clock tomorrow morning on the book and procrastination isn't my thing but I did...so hopefully I can read quickly enough and rattle off a quick essay before I have to leave. 

I've realized how much less stress I have since not being married. Even the stresses of him in particular aside, I just don't care how much I am gone or home, it doesn't matter if I keep crazy hours or if I am cleaning the house at three in the morning, or talking on the phone in bed before going to sleep. I love that freedom. I'm rarely ever home anymore, today I actually had to schedule time to stay at home and do schoolwork. I have been doing most of it at work or from the road.i will be looking forward to my trip to Las Vegas next month, and the opportunity to sleep as much as I want.

At about two o'clock in the morning, as I was writing these entries, my meds really kicked in and I became incredibly sleepy. So today I will add more to my list of things I have learned.

an amazing amount of knowledge gained

First an update: It has been a really really hard couple of days. I have been in a whole lot of pain, which has made functioning difficult, though not impossible. Hooray for strong pain killers. I am enjoying soaking in the hot tub at the gym, that is relieving so much of the pain I am not sure where I would be without that. Monday was...difficult. I had an appointment at the doctors, which I was not thrilled with. thrilled that I was not forced to have a plaster cast on my arm, but did not agree with all the diagnoses about my injuries. I really wanted to see my own doctors and began making some phone calls to find out if my insurance was still good. Turns out that since that day was the day the divorce was final, I was no longer eligible to use my insurance, whether or not my ex had filed the paperwork to stop my insurance. THAT is when the weight of everything set in. My life will no longer be the same, I realized. My safety nets are coming down and I have to stand on my own feet. I'm scared. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I was, I wonder how much weight my shoulders can bear before breaking.

There is one thing that happened that ordinarily would have upset me but didn't. After I had called his work to inquire about my insurance, they called my ex to tell him I was being nosy. Pretty good service they have there, though I didn't mind. He called me later that evening to see if I was okay. the conversation was short, but it strangely made me feel better that he was concerned. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, he offered to help if there was anything I needed. I can't think of anything he could do, though there is much help I need it just can't really come from him. But it felt good that he cared.

On to the point of this entry. I spent Sunday occupying my breaks and extreme amounts of down time at work by listing everything I have gained or learned since August 8, 2009. I am amazed at how much there is. The first lesson learned will be listed in this entry, and then I am back dating separate entries to yesterday so that they will fall under this one, to avoid having a ridiculously long entry.These are in no particular order, unless you can find meaning in what came to my head first.

1. That I really, truly love life. Once I had something taken from me I realized just how fragile life is, and it gave me a whole new appreciation and viewpoint on life. I find myself cherishing individual moments more and more. I take time out to do those things that make me feel small yet calm and whole and just glad to be alive.

I've spent several recent nights in my hammock, just rocking and watching the stars move across the night sky as the hours pass. It's amazing how many shooting stars you can see from the city. Americans as a whole tend to schedule their lives so fully that they believe they have no time for such things. I used to be one of them. Now I schedule time to have these serene experiences. I have a photo frame next to my bed that reads, "We do not remember days, we remember moments." it is so true. I can remember feeling the wind in my hair, laying on a rock watching the meteor shower light up the sky. I remember rolling over and seeing the friend next to me, and realizing that there is nowhere else in this world I would rather be. I remember one night in my hammock examining the little dipper and smiling, for no reason other than that I was happy. I remember watching California pass by my backseat window, looking at my two friends in the front seats, and being thankful that people love me enough to share this experience with me. I will never forget these  moments for as long as I live. It's in those moments that I truly learn about myself.

Many people dislike life because they insist it only brings them heartbreak and sorrow. I thought this in the beginning of the divorce. I would have rather died than feel what I was feeling. But I have realized now that without those feelings of deep sorrow and despair, I could never feel such happiness as I can feel now. I love to wake up and know that I can do something to make myself feel good that day. From hiking nearby or sleeping under the stars or if I have no time, little things like singing loudly to music from my iPod en route to my days events. or packing a piece of sees candy in my lunch. Or having a quick chat on the phone to a friend while I drive. I'm in control. not always of my emotions, but I can either help them be happy or help them be sad. I choose. Life allows that. I like it.

I have learned...

3. That things DO get better with time. Time does not heal all. Healing involves hard work and a conscious dedication to become healthy again. But healing requires time. One cannot sit down and say, "Okay, I have a half an hour. Ready, go!" The healing process insists on the passage of time to fade away the grief that one feels in the loss of anything, a marriage, a friend, a death, anything.

In the first few days, really in the first two weeks of the divorce I felt as if nothing will ever get better. That life would always feel this way. That I would forevermore wake up crying, and fall asleep crying. That I would view the world through a fog and never feel any deep feelings again.

But as the days wore on, and eventually turned into weeks, the fog began to lift. Not all at once, sometimes I would get peeks here and there. but it was enough to give me hope. I wrote an email to a friend of mine who had gone through a divorce some years back and asked her, "Does the crying ever stop?!?" I was worried I might burst into tears at any given moment for the rest of my life, because I saw no sign of that slowing down. She replied that yes, it did stop and I would realize one day that I had not cried a tear. She was right, I did have that moment. And they grew more and more frequent.

I can still vividly remember the feelings I had when I heard those words, "I want a divorce." It felt as though a knife had torn right through my heart, down through all the other organs in my body. The aching in my chest proved it. My heart pounded as though it was struggling to move. My head swam as though it was not receiving enough blood. These metaphors are not always as far-fetched as some may think. I imagine the pain is similar.

I hear people referring to "mending a broken heart" and I imagine it very much the same. layers and layers of scar tissue have to be put in place to mend a wound. Layers and layers of feelings had to be put in place to mend my broken love. The grieving process adds those layers without fail. Denial and isolation. There were days I laid in bed and did nothing but cry. I leaked and bled out all the emotions held in from my marriage. They soaked in to my sheets. Once I was done, there was this empty void, waiting to be filled  - and I got to choose what to fill it with. A layer of scar tissue in place, closing the chapter where I believed I was married. Accepting that I was now on my own. Anger. how could he? I still flirt with this phase, I do not like to be angry, those feelings make me feel ugly and dirty. I avoided them for a long time. But with that anger came healing. "how could he spend five years not loving me, pretending, lying every time he said he did?" Add a layer of scar tissue. With every stage came more and more of these layers of scar tissue. The more tissue covering that wound, the less likely that those miserable feelings can leak out. Just as wounds can become infected, I have had my setbacks for sure. But each time I am becoming more skilled at placing that tissue over the gaping hole, and each time that hole is smaller and smaller.

It just takes time, and with the right tools I can recover from anything.

I have learned...

2. That being easygoing is a virtue. I'm a pretty flexible person. I wasn't always in the past. But I have learned to take the unexpected and just roll with it. I guess when I figured out how to take an unexpected divorce and eventually roll with it, anything is easy after that. My mother, who very rarely analyzes me and tells me about it, said to me the other day "You have become very resilient in your adulthood." I think a lot of it is my easygoing ability. I used to watch my ex, who never seemed to care about anything, and think that he was lying to me all the time. I still think he was to an extent, but sometimes I think he actually didn't care. it wasn't important enough to him to care about. I think that in the context of a marriage that is destructive, but in my situation gaining that ability (which I always have but was never able to exert in my marriage for some reason - possibly in defense to counteract his constant not caring?) has become a benefit. I have had several occasions where I have had to step back and tell myself, "Is this really worth caring about, or can I just go with the flow?" and realize that it's not worth my energy to fight it.

That is a main part in monitoring my stress levels. learning when to not care, and when to fight for what I believe in. I have a difficult situation among my friends where I happen to have all the knowledge on a situation (I am the one that for some reason, everybody comes to me with their problems/thoughts/worries/etc.) but no one person has the entire story, they all know different pieces. This makes it sticky because while I do not want to break confidences by telling others what they don't know, everybody is making important decisions based on their limited knowledge and I am afraid they will be hurt when they find out it's not what they thought it would be. So how do I handle this? It stresses me out knowing that pretty much everybody is going to be upset in the end, but I do not want to lose the confidence of any one person, I value that trait about myself. So while this decision weighs heavy on my mind I must decide whether this is enough to stress myself over, or if I can just roll with it and let everybody learn their lesson that hard way.

I have learned however, that major decisions cannot be made immediately, part of learning to be easygoing. it is often the smart and beneficial move to put it on the back burner, go about life for a day or two, and come back to it. Such a short amount of time can lend a major perspective on a given situation.

I have also learned to not need to have all the information right away. It will come in it's own time, when it is right. Freaking out only makes it harder on me, and the information does not come any faster. BIG lesson for me. I guess this ties in with the divorce pretty well. It was very rare to have good days, or days where I felt hope or happiness. Often those days would fall in between days where I would be making major decisions or waiting for important information. I had to learn to force myself to shelve all my worries and ride out the good feelings as long as I could, just to stay alive. Nobody can live long in utter misery. A good moment has to be thrown in, even briefly, for good decisions and actions to be made.

A new beginning

A...celebration?

My date with the fireman has been moved to next week because I broke my wrist/rib/skull this week. I'm fine, they are all small fractures but it is rather painful to do much. yesterday was the six-month mark, and the date for the finalization for my divorce. Monday the paperwork will file with the county, and I will officially be single. I spent the morning setting up a new stereo system , which has reminded me of my ex. He always did these things, I never enjoyed it. Trying to do it myself is...daunting. But I did it, I even built the new entertainment center, broken bones and all.The stereo system has an iPod dock which is the best feature in my opinion because I love having music playing all the time, it makes the house seem not so quiet.

 February 20, 2010

I got many many phone calls from friends throughout the day, everybody knew I had chosen to stay home until going out with friends that evening. I only answered about half of the calls, and kept most of those conversations short and tried to allow time to grieve.  My therapist said it would feel like a death, and she is right. I am having trouble deciding if I am happy or not for my marriage being over. One minute I am crying, the next pretty happy. Smiling even. These emotions are crazy. I am now bracing myself for Monday as I don't have a lot of friends around that day to distract me.


I went out with friends in the evening, and that was a disaster. I shouldn't have expected everybody to really come through...though in the end it was okay. After dinner I went with another friend to the home of a couple that lives pretty much in my back yard. We were going to watch Zombieland (hilarious movie) and play some games...just allow me to relax from the stressful events of the dinner party.


Here's the thing. I had been thinking about drinking a lot lately. I have a few friends who drink on occasion, and...I guess it is just all the changes I am making in myself, and trying so many new things (I have labeled 2010 "the year of new experiences" for myself) that I have become..I don't know how to say it, curious I guess. The idea has been rolling around in my head for a while, and last night I guess I was ready. So under the safety of a few trusted friends I had a couple of (very light) drinks. I have to say, it was nice to feel so relaxed. I don't think this is something I would do all the time, but I am not as against it as I was.


The evening turned out okay in the end, this particular couple has always come through for me during the worst times, I am not surprised that it was them who helped make my night okay. I woke up this morning in a good mood and am hoping it will last throughout the day.

well folks,

I heard from that fireman today. He called while I was on my break at work. I officially have a date with him now, though I will not be announcing when because who knows who lurks on this page! Thank you for all the supportive (and inquisitive) emails, and here are the answers to your questions:
1. Yes, I am nervous. No more nervous than I was with any other date I have been on yet however.
2. What if he doesn't like me? I got this question several times. There is a good chance of that. This is ME we are talking about. Yes, it will probably hurt but I will get over it. There's nothing I can do about that, so why stress over it? Maybe I won't like him instead. Or we both won't like each other. The world won't be over.
3. Um, OK I have been pretty quiet on my beliefs on sleeping with dates. I've gotten a lot of questions about it. No, I will not be sleeping with him, not on the first date, not on the third. I'm still working out with myself on this exact moral value, but I can assure you that I wouldn't sleep with anybody until I considered it a serious relationship, and that is going to take a long time for me to get there. If he doesn't like it, he can go. Easy as that.

Those seem to be the three main questions I am getting. I get a lot of email now, so if you haven't received a reply yet, please be patient. I will get to you. I've started keeping a list of topics you want to see covered on my blog, and I will slowly be putting up entries to quench your curiosity.

The next entry you get will probably be about my date...

A Fireman and some confidence

So, I have been on a few dates thus far. My one date from hell was the first, and a few others that haven't been so bad, in fact I could even call them good. Today at work I was working the cash register when two men came up to purchase some clothing. Now, my store caters to gay men so usually I assume if there are two guys, that they are together. One was talking about his wife though. They were both in firefighter uniforms. The other one, was quite good looking. they were only buying t-shirts, so that made me think they weren't really gay, but my thoughts didn't travel further than that. We chatted for a few minutes during the transaction, and they left. A few minutes later, the good looking one came back in, and I got the shock of my life. He asked me out. Just like that. Apparently he had inquired about me to one of my co-workers who told him that I was single. I was...startled...to say the least. But I managed, at least I think I did, to play it cool. I said yes. And now I am nervous. He is waaaay out of my league. But, hey, he asked me out. If that's true, it's his fault. So, readers of my life, I will keep you updated on this new turn of events. Maybe there is life out there for us, after all.

Surviving Valentines Day

I had no idea that Valentines day was going to affect me this much. The sad feelings began around Monday, and wove themselves through nearly everything I did. By the time Friday came around I was so exhausted and beat-down from it all, I could barely convince myself to go to work. It was a rough day. I realized how much the weight showed in my physical appearance. On the way to the car I did this self check thing I do, where I take account of my emotional wellness, and also take note of my physical wellness. It's one of those things I do regularly, daily, to make sure all is right, and I am not letting my bi-polar get the best of me. I realized my shoulders were slumped, I was dragging my feet, and my head hung. I could feel the weight in my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in years. I wondered if I had gone all day like this, and realized that I probably had. I decided that this was unacceptable, and straightened myself right there in the now empty parking lot. Regardless if I wanted to, I was going to walk standing straight, and I was going to look around me as if I was interested. I've learned that little things like that can bring up a person, even if they have to fake it for a while.

I don't know why I felt like this. It's not like I wanted to spend v-day with him. I didn't at all. I'm not longing for a boyfriend, in fact I don't WANT a boyfriend. So...with those two things out of the way, what is my problem?

I've spent the last half hour trying to figure this out. I think I've got it. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I want to be loved. It would be nice to be held, to have that companionship. To have somebody to smile back at me when I smile at them. I miss...loving somebody.

Valentines day was one holiday that he and I did well. For the past few years we would make reservations at this particular hotel, and get all dressed up and go to dinner, and just spend time relaxing in the hotel and just being with each other. Those trips I always felt love. Valentines day was the day he told me he wanted to stay together the first time, and that he wouldn't change his mind, and that he was going to do everything he could to love me and treat me well. I miss those trips, I miss that feeling of being loved, I felt it so rarely.

Saturday night when I got off work I went out with coworkers/friends and the topic somehow turned to marriage. Being the only one who has been married for any length of time, they all looked to me to describe it and explain to them what it was like. I pulled out the positives, and realized there was a lot. A lot more than the negatives, if you don't count his attitude - which wold not be present in another marriage. I'm not sur eif it helped, or hurt, remembering all the good times.

Valentines day was really, really rough. I worked the morning into the early evening. My energy level was at zero. People kept wishing me a happy valentines day and I had to bite my tongue and say nice things back.  I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just wanted to sleep it all away. This is a warning sign. I gauged myself carefully, and made myself go to dinner as planned with a friend. We did, and I went home, knowing that company would be good, but I needed to work through my feelings on my own. My nephew brought me a flower, and that was the last straw. It was all I had to hold back the tears until he and my friend left. I crawled into my hammock and cried and cried. I bawled out all the frustrations and sadness and loneliness and anger and sorrow that had built over the last week.

 My nephew with my flower

At some point, crying does you no good anymore, and you need to stop. I tried. No such luck. I cried for another 20 minutes, and then I was saved by a phone call from Jacob. Oddly enough, he is good at calling me when I am crying. Jacob has saved me on several occasions from crying the night away. Thankfully, when I answer the phone when crying, I sound like I was sleeping and can play it off pretty well, and talking to somebody that I don't want to know I was crying (which, is actually anybody - I don't admit to crying to my friends) is a good and quick way to sober up.

The stressful day left me exhausted, but even once I was off the phone my mind wouldn't completely shut down. Thankfully I had talked long enough that it was quite late and eventually that exhaustion kicked it. Sleep is wonderful. Valentines day is not.

how to forgive, bitterness, and sadness

February 11, 2009

It's been a little while since I have written here, I have been reluctant to update when I have very little positive to say. Ever since my last meeting with him, this bitterness has been festering inside of me. I hate it. It makes me hate me. I am not an angry person at all, in fact I would rather let something go instead of letting myself be angry. It's an awful feeling. I didn't realize just how bitter I was until I drove past his street the other day. I would normally just avoid it all together, as  there is no real reason to be in that part of town. But I was following a friend and we were getting around traffic. As we passed the street that led to his, I had this overwhelming desire to flip it off. Now, this is not me at all. I find that gesture to be incredibly ugly and offensive, and have never used it in my entire life. It took much effort to not do this, and I am glad I didn't. But I wanted to. What is wrong with me? WHY do I care so much? I didn't use to.


I explored this with the divorce counselor I am seeing, and the conclusion was this: I feel betrayed, and I need to forgive him. I'll discuss the first. I have not ever felt betrayed the way I do now. I have never been betrayed the way I have been now, however. I spent six and a half years trying to get a few things from my husband: Love, a desire to be with me, a puppy, children, and a relaxed, happy husband. I didn't get any one of those things, and they were the most important to me. And I didn't get even one. Now, there is some chick out there who can have all of these things from him, including the puppy because if he followed through, he should have one by now. What, he didn't even trust me to be the parent of a puppy? It hurts how little  - I mean- no respect he had for me. It burns my insides, this raging flame that is getting hotter by the day. Eventually I will be an inferno and I am scared for that day.

Onto the forgiveness part. I feel like someone on television, with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. part of me doesn't want to forgive him. He hurt me, left scars that are taking too long to fade. Why should I forgive that? He doesn't deserve it. The other part is that rational, loving me that doesn't like to be mean. It says I need to forgive him, that hating him is only hurting myself, and I did it once in the beginning of the divorce, why can't I do it now? I know why, because I thought he was as miserable as I was. Now I know his sadness doesn't even compare to mine. And I resent that.

However, I know this angel is right. I am only hurting myself. It's not like I am there to rub in the non-forgiveness in. I have said from the beginning that I am going to do anything I can to come out of this healthy, and better than I was before. And I am going to do that. But how do I go about forgiving him? I'm lost there. My selfish feelings are in the way. I tell myself that I really do want him to be happy. And I do. Just not until I am happy first. This is a problem. But I don't really want him to suffer either. After that last encounter, I felt really, really bad that I said things that probably hurt him. I still feel bad about that. So, I do still care, and some remote part of me still loves him, that won't disappear completely for a long time, I spent too many years loving him.

So how do I go about forgiving? How does this work? Forgiveness has always come so easily to me, I have never had to work at it. Can I make a conscious effort of this? If so, what do I do? Do I just repeat over and over that I forgive him? I've spent more time on my knees praying recently...it doesn't seem to be helping this forgiveness part. I hate these entries, I will spend the next two days crying over this.

Life has been rough lately, it's been a constant battle with myself and my emotions, to keep myself under control. I've managed to hold up a good front for my friends, I just can't lean on them so much. They all have their own lives to deal with, and they don't need me in the way. They each are dealing with their own personal battles,  and I know firsthand what the extra stress of a friends problems can do to your own. In a way it's nice to laugh and act happy, but at the end of the day when everybody has gone home it's nice to just be me.

I slept outside last night. I had had a really long night at work the previous day into that morning, and I was really exhausted, but too keyed up over life to relax. I was on the phone to Jacob until I thought I was tired enough to go to bed, but once I laid down I couldn't even get my eyes to shut. I took a glass of hot chocolate and a lot of blankets outside, and curled up on my hammock. All the frustration and stress and sadness overflowed, and I cried for about an hour. Eventually the stars and the cold breeze on my tears calmed me, and I began to relax. I am so appreciative to live in a place where I can do this. Eventually my eyes closed and I thought to myself, I need to go in. But I was so comfortable, so calm. next thing I know, it was daylight, and I had the best sleep I'd slept in weeks. I guess, I am going back outside.