11.29.09
Okay. Great actually! I did get hurt. Not, however, in the way I expected. But first, the good part. I am over him. This seals it. I felt nothing toward him. We had dinner, we talked. I told him about my job, he told me how he is "finding himself." I'm truly happy for him for that. Not a bitter happy, truly happy for him. But I still didn't want him.
Here is the hard part. He tells me of this girl he really, really wanted to ask out. he finally musters up the courage, and she shoots him down. Ouch. I actually cringed for him at this point. However, another girl was willing to help him feel better, by dating him. Turns out, she was also seeing a couple of other men. When he put his foot down, and said he wanted to be the only, she kicked him to the curb.
He told me that he now understood a little part of how I must have felt when he left me. He was crushed, his spirit was crushed. He said he knows what I felt must have been much, much worse and he is so sorry for what he did, although he knows he can never take it or me back.
The apology part was okay, it actually made me feel a bit better, because an apology from him is rare, and difficult for him. He hard part was this: I spent 6 1/2 years trying to get him to love me, even to like me. This girl waltzes in and he is mad about her? What does she have that I don't? What did I fail to possess that drew him in so completely? I guess it's just a blow to the ego more than anything. It hurt.
He then asked if I was dating anybody. Ouch. I told the truth, that I had not. He seemed confused, and asked why. I decided to just tell him the truth. Maybe he won't call me anymore if I do. So, I related my feelings about how when our marriage ended, most of my confidence left with him. I had spent so many years trying to please him, make him happy, make him like me, that the only thing that mattered to me was him. I loved him with the barest, deepest part of my soul that I could not see what I was doing to myself. Every time I would find more inside me and once again give him my all, my confidence and happiness rose and fell with my successes and failures.
By the time our marriage came to an end, I was exhausted. Divorce was the ultimate fail in my quest to regain his love. I was left with scattered fragments of myself, broken and battered. My entire confidence was strewn among the pieces and I am still gathering them, and trying to figure out how they fit inside the real me.
Dinner ended on a good note, and we said goodbye and went home. I had extremely mixed feelings. The waterworks turned on halfway home. I was afraid they would come. They were part relief, part sorrow. I was so glad, and proud of myself to find that I truly didn't want him anymore. However, that he so easily gave his love, when I fought and never won stung.
I was emotionally torn. I wanted to get out so badly. I wanted to drive far, and find a calming place to be. I wanted to go to the beach. The one time I did that I received a lot of grief from friends, because I went alone. I wasn't up for a lot of grief this time, so I sent out a text to everybody, saying I was going to the beach, anybody want to come? I received a lot of no's, and several ignored me. I got a few angry phone calls about not going alone. My plan backfired.
I figured everybody would ignore me, and I could go and they couldn't say anything. Fail. I knew it would be destructive to stay home but...I just couldn't handle angry friends. Not this time.
So, I took a shower. It's the best place for crying. After a good 45 minutes and ten wrinkly fingers later, I dragged myself out of the shower. The tears wouldn't stop. I curled up on my lovesac and bawled it out. Thankfully, my phone rang. I had to pull myself together to answer it. It was Jacob, trying to figure out who had sent him a text randomly wanting to go to the beach. After a short conversation I hung up and took a few deep breaths. The crying was over. I was thankful that something forced me to calm down.
One more major hurdle cleared. I feel good.
Okay. Great actually! I did get hurt. Not, however, in the way I expected. But first, the good part. I am over him. This seals it. I felt nothing toward him. We had dinner, we talked. I told him about my job, he told me how he is "finding himself." I'm truly happy for him for that. Not a bitter happy, truly happy for him. But I still didn't want him.
Here is the hard part. He tells me of this girl he really, really wanted to ask out. he finally musters up the courage, and she shoots him down. Ouch. I actually cringed for him at this point. However, another girl was willing to help him feel better, by dating him. Turns out, she was also seeing a couple of other men. When he put his foot down, and said he wanted to be the only, she kicked him to the curb.
He told me that he now understood a little part of how I must have felt when he left me. He was crushed, his spirit was crushed. He said he knows what I felt must have been much, much worse and he is so sorry for what he did, although he knows he can never take it or me back.
The apology part was okay, it actually made me feel a bit better, because an apology from him is rare, and difficult for him. He hard part was this: I spent 6 1/2 years trying to get him to love me, even to like me. This girl waltzes in and he is mad about her? What does she have that I don't? What did I fail to possess that drew him in so completely? I guess it's just a blow to the ego more than anything. It hurt.
He then asked if I was dating anybody. Ouch. I told the truth, that I had not. He seemed confused, and asked why. I decided to just tell him the truth. Maybe he won't call me anymore if I do. So, I related my feelings about how when our marriage ended, most of my confidence left with him. I had spent so many years trying to please him, make him happy, make him like me, that the only thing that mattered to me was him. I loved him with the barest, deepest part of my soul that I could not see what I was doing to myself. Every time I would find more inside me and once again give him my all, my confidence and happiness rose and fell with my successes and failures.
By the time our marriage came to an end, I was exhausted. Divorce was the ultimate fail in my quest to regain his love. I was left with scattered fragments of myself, broken and battered. My entire confidence was strewn among the pieces and I am still gathering them, and trying to figure out how they fit inside the real me.
Dinner ended on a good note, and we said goodbye and went home. I had extremely mixed feelings. The waterworks turned on halfway home. I was afraid they would come. They were part relief, part sorrow. I was so glad, and proud of myself to find that I truly didn't want him anymore. However, that he so easily gave his love, when I fought and never won stung.
I was emotionally torn. I wanted to get out so badly. I wanted to drive far, and find a calming place to be. I wanted to go to the beach. The one time I did that I received a lot of grief from friends, because I went alone. I wasn't up for a lot of grief this time, so I sent out a text to everybody, saying I was going to the beach, anybody want to come? I received a lot of no's, and several ignored me. I got a few angry phone calls about not going alone. My plan backfired.
I figured everybody would ignore me, and I could go and they couldn't say anything. Fail. I knew it would be destructive to stay home but...I just couldn't handle angry friends. Not this time.
So, I took a shower. It's the best place for crying. After a good 45 minutes and ten wrinkly fingers later, I dragged myself out of the shower. The tears wouldn't stop. I curled up on my lovesac and bawled it out. Thankfully, my phone rang. I had to pull myself together to answer it. It was Jacob, trying to figure out who had sent him a text randomly wanting to go to the beach. After a short conversation I hung up and took a few deep breaths. The crying was over. I was thankful that something forced me to calm down.
One more major hurdle cleared. I feel good.
You are so brave to have gone to dinner with him. It's obvious that he sees you as his safe person if he called you when he got hurt. I have been divorced from my wife for over a year and I still cannot handle seeing her. What helped you move on from him? Was he abusive toward you, or was it just hard work and a conscious effort? I'd love to sit down with my ex and close some doors.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should have gone. All you are doing is allowing him to string you along. You previously stated that you would not see him, and then you go and do this? He now thinks you are available for his beck and call. This was a big mistake, Andy you do not need to see your ex, she is your ex for a reason. Take it from me, you will only get hurt eventually.
ReplyDeleteColleen had a good reason to go to dinner, Maggie B. She thought it through, and made a plan, it's what we all learn in divorce counseling, isn't it? To make all your dealings with your ex have a purpose. As she showed, it proved to be more beneficial than hurtful. When trying to survive a divorce, anything beneficial to yourself is not wrong.
ReplyDeleteColleen has a good group of friends and although they did not come through for her this time, they also did not know how much she needed them. She knew what she was risking going to dinner with him and I am sure she knew that if it went wrong she could rely on her friends. She had a plan and she carried it out beautifully. I have only seen my ex wife once since we split and it is hard but it pushed my recovery faster having to quickly own up to a lot of feelings. Congratulations on your progress, Colleen.
ReplyDelete